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OUR AMERICAN COUSIN

TOM TAYLOR

Table of Contents

1. Titlepage
2. List of Characters
3. Our American Cousin
   1. Act I
      1. Scene 1
      2. Scene 2
      3. Scene 3
   2. Act II
      1. Scene 1
      2. Scene 2
   3. Act III
      1. Scene 1
      2. Scene 2
      3. Scene 3
      4. Scene 4
      5. Scene 5
      6. Scene 6
      7. Scene 7
4. Colophon

List of Characters

• Lord Dundreary

• Asa Trenchard

• Sir Edward Trenchard

• Capt. De Boots

• Harry Vernon

• Abel Murcott

• Mr. Coyle

• Mr. Buddicombe

• Mr. Binny

• John Wickens

• Mrs. Mountchessington

• Florence Trenchard

• Mary

• Augusta

• Georgina

• Sharpe

• Skillet

Our American Cousin

Act I

Scene 1

Drawing room in 3. Trenchard Manor, C. D., backed by interior, discovering table with luncheon spread. Large French window, R. 3 E., through which a fine English park is seen. Open archway, L. 3 E. Set balcony behind. Table, R., books and papers on it. Work basket containing wools and embroidery frame. A fashionable armchair and sofa, L. 2 E., small table near C. D. Stage handsomely set, costly furniture, carpet down, chairs, etc.

	Mr. Buddicombe discovered on sofa reading newspaper. Skillet and Sharpe busily arranging furniture as curtain rises.
Sharpe	I don’t know how you may feel as a visitor, Mr. Buddicombe, but I think this is a most uncomfortable family.
Mr. Buddicombe	Very uncomfortable. I have no curtain to my bed.
Skillet	And no wine at the second table.
Sharpe	And meaner servants I never seed.
Mr. Buddicombe	I’m afraid Sir Edward is in a queer strait.
Skillet	Yes, for only this morning, Mr. Binny, Mrs. Skillet says he⁠—
	Enter Mr. Binny, L. 3 E.
Mr. Binny	Mind your hown business instead hof your betters. I’m disgusted with you lower servants. When the wine merchant presents his bills, you men, hear me, say he’s been pressing for the last six months, do you?
Skillet	Nor I, that the last year’s milliner’s bills have not been paid.
Sharpe	Nor I, that Miss Florence has not had no new dresses from London all winter.
Mr. Buddicombe	And I can solemnly swear that his lordship’s hair has been faithfully bound in this bosom.
Mr. Binny	That’ll do, that’ll do; but to remember to check hidle curiosity is the first duty of men hin livery. Ha, ’ere hare the letters.
	Enter John Wickens, L. 3 E., with green baize bag. Mr. Binny takes bag, takes out letters and reads addresses.
Mr. Binny	Hah! bill, of course, Miss Augusta, Mrs. Mountchessington, Lord Dundreary, Captain De Boots, Miss Georgina Mountchessington, Lieutenant Vernon, ah! that’s from the admiralty. What’s this? Miss Florence Trenchard, via Brattleboro’, Vermont.
Mr. Buddicombe	Where’s that, Mr. Binny.
John Wickens	Why that be hin the United States of North Hamerica, and a main good place for poor folks.
Mr. Binny	John Wickens, you forget yourself.
John Wickens	Beg pardon, Mr. Binny.
Mr. Binny	John Wickens, leave the room.
John Wickens	But I know where Vermont be tho’.
Mr. Binny	John Wickens, get hout. Exit John Wickens, L. 3 E.
Mr. Buddicombe	Dreadful low fellow, that.
Mr. Binny	Halways himpudent.
Mr. Buddicombe	Looking at letter in Mr. Binny’s hand. Why, that is Sir Edward’s hand, Mr. Binny, he must have been sporting.
Mr. Binny	Yes, shooting the wild helephants and buffalos what abound there.
Mr. Buddicombe	The nasty beasts. Looking off, R. 2 E. Hello, there comes Miss Florence tearing across the lane like a three year old colt.
Sharp and Skillet	Oh, Gemini. Run off, R. 2 E. Mr. Buddicombe runs off, L. 2 E.
	Enter Florence Trenchard, R. 2 E.
Florence Trenchard	As if after running. Oh! I’m fairly out of breath. Good morning, Mr. Binny, the letter bag I saw coming, Wickens coming with it. I thought I could catch him before I reached the house. Sits R. So off I started, I forgot the pond, it was in or over. I got over, but my hat got in. I wish you’d fish it out for me, you won’t find the pond very deep.
Mr. Binny	Me fish for an ’at? Does she take me for an hangler?
Florence Trenchard	Give me the letters. Takes them. Ah, blessed budget that descends upon Trenchard Manor, like rain on a duck pond. Tell papa and all, that the letters have come, you will find them on the terrace.
Mr. Binny	Yes, Miss. Going, L. 3 E.
Florence Trenchard	And then go fish out my hat out of the pond, it’s not very deep.
Mr. Binny	Aside. Me fish for ’ats? I wonder if she takes me for an hangler? Exit disgusted, R. 3 E.
Florence Trenchard	Reading directions. Lieutenant Vernon. This is a large letter with a large white envelope, red seal. In her Majesty’s service. Admiralty, R. N. Ah, that’s an answer to Harry’s application for a ship. Papa promised to use his influence for him. I hope he has succeeded, but then he will have to leave us, and who knows if he ever comes back. What a foolish girl I am, when I know that his rise in the service will depend upon it. I do hope he’ll get it, and, if he must leave us, I’ll bid him goodbye as a lass who loves a sailor should.
	Enter Sir Edward Trenchard, Mrs. Mountchessington., Augusta, Capt. De Boots, Harry Vernon, L. 3 E.
Florence Trenchard	Papa, dear, here are letters for you, one for you, Mrs. Mountchessington, one for you, Capt. De Boots, and one for you, Harry. Hiding letter behind her.
Harry Vernon	Ah, one for me, Florence?
Florence Trenchard	Now what will you give me for one?
Harry Vernon	Ah, then you have one?
Florence Trenchard	Yes, there, Harry. Gives it.
Harry Vernon	Ah, for a ship. Opens and reads.
Florence Trenchard	Ah! Mon ami, you are to leave us. Good news, or bad?
Harry Vernon	No ship yet, this promises another year of landlubbery. Goes up.
Florence Trenchard	I’m so sorry. Aside. I’m so glad he’s not going away. But where’s Dundreary. Has anybody seen Dundreary?
	Enter Lord Dundreary.
Lord Dundreary	Good morning, Miss Florence.
Florence Trenchard	Comes down, L. Good morning, my Lord Dundreary. Who do you think has been here? What does the postman bring?
Lord Dundreary	Well, sometimes he brings a bag with a lock on it, sometimes newspapers, and sometimes letters, I suppothe.
Florence Trenchard	There. Gives letter. Lord Dundreary opens letter and Florence Trenchard goes up R. Lord Dundreary knocks knees against chair, turns round knocks shins, and at last is seated extreme R.
Lord Dundreary	Thank you. Reads letter.
Capt. De Boots	Reading paper. By Jove, old Soloman has made a crop of it.
Lord Dundreary	A⁠—what of it?
Capt. De Boots	I beg pardon, an event I am deeply interested in, that’s all. I beg pardon.
Augusta	Ah! Florence, dear, there’s a letter of yours got among mine. Gives it.
Florence Trenchard	Why papa, it’s from dear brother Ned.
Sir Edward Trenchard	From my boy! Where is he? How is he? Read it.
Florence Trenchard	He writes from Brattleboro’ Vt. Reading written letter. “Quite well, just come in from a shooting excursion, with a party of Crows, splendid fellows, six feet high.”
Lord Dundreary	Birds six feet high, what tremendous animals they must be.
Florence Trenchard	Oh, I see what my brother means; a tribe of indians called Crows, not birds.
Lord Dundreary	Oh, I thought you meant those creatures with wigs on them.
Florence Trenchard	Wigs!
Lord Dundreary	I mean those things that move, breathe and walk, they look like animals with those things. Moving his arms like wings.
Florence Trenchard	Wings.
Lord Dundreary	Birds with wings, that’s the idea.
Florence Trenchard	Reading written letter. “Bye-the-bye, I have lately come quite haphazard upon the other branch of our family, which emigrated to America at the Restoration. They are now thriving in this State, and discovering our relationship, they received me most hospitably. I have cleared up the mysterious death of old Mark Trenchard.”
Sir Edward Trenchard	Of my uncle!
Florence Trenchard	Reading written letter. “It appears that when he quarreled with his daughter on her marriage with poor Meredith, he came here in search of this stray shoot of the family tree, found them and died in their house, leaving Asa Trenchard, one of the sons, heir to his personal property in England, which ought to belong to poor Mary Meredith. Asa Trenchard is about to sail for the old country, to take possession. I gave him directions to find you out, and he should arrive almost as soon as this letter. Receive him kindly for the sake of the kindness he has shown to me, and let him see some of our shooting. Your affectionate brother, Ned.”
Sir Edward Trenchard	An American branch of the family.
Mrs. Mountchessington	Oh, how interesting!
Augusta	Enthusiastically. How delightfully romantic! I can imagine the wild young hunter. An Apollo of the prairie.
Florence Trenchard	An Apollo of the prairie; yes, with a strong nasal twang, and a decided taste for tobacco and cobblers.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Florence, you forget that he is a Trenchard, and no true Trenchard would have a liking for cobblers or low people of that kind.
Florence Trenchard	I hate him, whatever he is, coming here to rob poor cousin Mary of her grandmother’s guineas.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Florence, how often must I request you not to speak of Mary Meredith as your cousin?
Florence Trenchard	Why, she is my cousin, is she not? Besides she presides over her milk pail like a duchess playing dairymaid. Sir Edward Trenchard goes up. Ah! Papa won’t hear me speak of my poor cousin, and then I’m so fond of syllabubs. Dundreary, do you know what syllabubs are?
Lord Dundreary	Oh, yeth, I know what syllabubs is⁠—yeth⁠—yeth.
Florence Trenchard	Why, I don’t believe you do know what they are.
Lord Dundreary	Not know what syllabubs are? That’s a good idea. Why they are⁠—syllabubs are⁠—they are only babies, idiotic children; that’s a good idea, that’s good. Bumps head against Florence Trenchard.
Florence Trenchard	No, it’s not a bit like the idea. What you mean are called cherubims.
Lord Dundreary	What, those things that look like oranges, with wings on them?
Florence Trenchard	Not a bit like it. Well, after luncheon you must go with me and I’ll introduce you to my cousin Mary and syllabubs.
Lord Dundreary	I never saw Mr. Syllabubs, I am sure.
Florence Trenchard	Well, now, don’t forget.
Lord Dundreary	I never can forget⁠—when I can recollect.
Florence Trenchard	Then recollect that you have an appointment with me after luncheon.
Lord Dundreary	Yeth, yeth.
Florence Trenchard	Well, what have you after luncheon?
Lord Dundreary	Well, sometimes I have a glass of brandy with an egg in it, sometimes a run ’round the duck-pond, sometimes a game of checkers⁠—that’s for exercise, and perhaps a game of billiards.
Florence Trenchard	No, no; you have with me after luncheon, an ap⁠—an ap⁠—
Lord Dundreary	An ap⁠—an ap⁠—
Florence Trenchard	An ap⁠—an appoint⁠—appointment.
Lord Dundreary	An ointment, that’s the idea. Knocks against Capt. De Boots as they go upstage.
Mrs. Mountchessington	Aside. That artful girl has designs upon Lord Dundreary. Augusta, dear, go and see how your poor, dear sister is this morning.
Augusta	Yes, mamma. Exit, L. 1 E.
Mrs. Mountchessington	She is a great sufferer, my dear.
Lord Dundreary	Yeth, but a lonely one.
Florence Trenchard	What sort of a night had she?
Mrs. Mountchessington	Oh, a very refreshing one, thanks to the draught you were kind enough to prescribe for her, Lord Dundreary.
Florence Trenchard	What! Has Lord Dundreary been prescribing for Georgina?
Lord Dundreary	Yeth. You see I gave her a draught that cured the effect of the draught, and that draught was a draft that didn’t pay the doctor’s bill. Didn’t that draught⁠—
Florence Trenchard	Good gracious! what a number of draughts. You have almost a game of draughts.
Lord Dundreary	Ha! ha! ha!
Florence Trenchard	What’s the matter?
Lord Dundreary	That wath a joke, that wath.
Florence Trenchard	Where’s the joke? Lord Dundreary screams and turns to Mrs. Mountchessington.
Mrs. Mountchessington	No.
Lord Dundreary	She don’t see it. Don’t you see⁠—a game of drafts⁠—pieces of wound wood on square pieces of leather. That’s the idea. Now, I want to put your brains to the test. I want to ask you a whime.
Florence Trenchard	A whime, what’s that?
Lord Dundreary	A whime is a widdle, you know.
Florence Trenchard	A widdle!
Lord Dundreary	Yeth; one of those things, like⁠—why is so and so or somebody like somebody else.
Florence Trenchard	Oh, I see, you mean a conundrum.
Lord Dundreary	Yeth, a drum, that’s the idea. What is it gives a cold in the head, cures a cold, pays the doctor’s bill and makes the home-guard look for substitutes? Florence Trenchard repeats it. Yeth, do you give it up?
Florence Trenchard	Yes.
Lord Dundreary	Well, I’ll tell you⁠—a draught. Now I’ve got a better one that that: When is a dog’s tail not a dog’s tail? Florence Trenchard repeats. During this Florence Trenchard, Mrs. Mountchessington and Lord Dundreary are downstage.
Florence Trenchard	Yes, and willingly.
Lord Dundreary	When it’s a cart. They look at him enquiringly.
Florence Trenchard	Why, what in earth has a dog’s tail to do with a cart?
Lord Dundreary	When it moves about, you know. A horse makes a cart move, so does a dog make his tail move.
Florence Trenchard	Oh, I see what you mean⁠—when it’s a wagon. Wags the letter in her hand.
Lord Dundreary	Well, a wagon and a cart are the same thing, ain’t they! That’s the idea⁠—it’s the same thing.
Florence Trenchard	They are not the same. In the case of your conundrum there’s a very great difference.
Lord Dundreary	Now I’ve got another. Why does a dog waggle his tail?
Florence Trenchard	Upon my word, I never inquired.
Lord Dundreary	Because the tail can’t waggle the dog. Ha! Ha!
Florence Trenchard	Ha! ha! Is that your own, Dundreary?
Lord Dundreary	Now I’ve got one, and this one is original.
Florence Trenchard	No, no, don’t spoil the last one.
Lord Dundreary	Yeth; but this is extremely interesting.
Mrs. Mountchessington	Do you think so, Lord Dundreary?
Lord Dundreary	Yeth. Miss Georgina likes me to tell her my jokes. Bye-the-bye, talking of that lonely sufferer, isn’t she an interesting invalid? They do say that’s what’s the matter with me. I’m an interesting invalid.
Florence Trenchard	Oh, that accounts for what I have heard so many young ladies say⁠—Florence, dear, don’t you think Lord Dundreary’s extremely interesting? I never knew what they meant before.
Lord Dundreary	Yeth, the doctor recommends me to drink donkey’s milk.
Florence Trenchard	Hiding laugh. Oh, what a clever man he must be. He knows we generally thrive best on our native food. Goes up.
Lord Dundreary	Looking first at Florence Trenchard and then at Mrs. Mountchessington. I’m so weak, and that is so strong. Yes, I’m naturally very weak, and I want strengthening. Yes, I guess I’ll try it.
	Enter Augusta. Business with Lord Dundreary, who finally exits and brings on Georgina, L. 1 E.
Lord Dundreary	Look at this lonely sufferer. Bringing on Georgina, seats her on sofa, L. There, repothe yourself.
Georgina	Fanning herself. Thank you, my lord. Everybody is kind to me, and I am so delicate.
Augusta	At table. Captain De Boots, do help to unravel these wools for me, you have such an eye for color.
Florence Trenchard	An eye for color! Yes, especially green.
Lord Dundreary	Screams. Ha! ha! ha!
All	What’s the matter?
Lord Dundreary	Why, that wath a joke, that wath.
Florence Trenchard	Where was the joke?
Lord Dundreary	Especially, ha! ha!
Sir Edward Trenchard	Florence, dear, I must leave you to represent me to my guests. These letters will give me a great deal of business today.
Florence Trenchard	Well, papa, remember I am your little clerk and person of all work.
Sir Edward Trenchard	No, no; this is private business⁠—money matters, my love, which women know nothing about. Aside. Luckily for them. I expect Mr. Coyle today.
Florence Trenchard	Dear papa, how I wish you would get another agent.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Nonsense, Florence, impossible. He knows my affairs. His father was agent for the late Baronet. He’s one of the family, almost.
Florence Trenchard	Papa, I have implicit faith in my own judgement of faces. Depend upon it, that man is not to be trusted.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Florence, you are ridiculous. I could not get on a week without him. Aside. Curse him, I wish I could! Mr. Coyle is a most intelligent agent, and a most faithful servant of the family.
	Enter Mr. Binny, L. 3 E.
Mr. Binny	Mr. Coyle and hagent with papers.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Show him into the library. I will be with him presently. Exit Mr. Binny.
Florence Trenchard	Remember the archery meeting, papa. It is at three.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Yes, yes, I’ll remember. Aside. Pretty time for such levity when ruin stares me in the face. Florence, I leave you as my representative. Aside. Now to prepare myself to meet my Shylock. Exit, R. 1 E.
Florence Trenchard	Why will papa not trust me? Harry Vernon comes down, R. Oh, Harry! I wish he would find out what a lot of pluck and common sense there is in this feather head of mine.
Lord Dundreary	Miss Florence, will you be kind enough to tell Miss Georgina all about that American relative of yours.
Florence Trenchard	Oh, about my American cousin; certainly. Aside to Harry Vernon. Let’s have some fun. Well, he’s about 17 feet high!
Lord Dundreary	Good gracious! 17 feet high!
Florence Trenchard	They are all 17 feet high in America, ain’t they, Mr. Vernon?
Harry Vernon	Yes, that’s about the average height.
Florence Trenchard	And they have long black hair that reaches down to their heels; they have dark copper-colored skin, and they fight with⁠—What do they fight with, Mr. Vernon?
Harry Vernon	Tomahawks and scalping knives.
Florence Trenchard	Yes; and you’d better take care, Miss Georgina, or he’ll take his tomahawk and scalping knife and scalp you immediately. Georgina screams and faints.
Lord Dundreary	Here, somebody get something and throw over her; a pail of water; no, not that, she’s pale enough already. Fans her with handkerchief. Georgina, don’t be afraid. Dundreary’s by your side, he will protect you.
Florence Trenchard	Don’t be frightened, Georgina. He will never harm you while Dundreary is about. Why, he could get three scalps here. Pulls Lord Dundreary’s whiskers. Georgina screams.
Lord Dundreary	Don’t scream, I won’t lose my whiskers. I know what I’ll do for my own safety. I will take this handkerchief and tie the roof of my head on. Ties it on.
Florence Trenchard	Pretending to cry. Goodbye, Dundreary. I’ll never see you again in all your glory.
Lord Dundreary	Don’t cry, Miss Florence, I’m ready for Mr. Tommy Hawk.
	Enter Mr. Binny.
Mr. Binny	If you please, Miss, ’ere’s a gent what says he’s hexpected.
Florence Trenchard	What’s his name? Where’s his card?
Mr. Binny	He didn’t tell me his name, Miss, and when I haxed him for his card ’e said ’e had a whole pack in his valise, and if I ’ad a mine ’e’d play me a game of seven hup. He says he has come to stay, and he certainly looks as if he didn’t mean to go.
Florence Trenchard	That’s him. Show him in, Mr. Binny. Exit Mr. Binny, L. 3 E. That’s my American cousin, I know.
Augusta	Romantically. Your American cousin. Oh, how delightfully romantic, isn’t it, Captain De Boots? Comes down. I can imagine the wild young hunter, with the free step and majestic mien of the hunter of the forest.
Asa Trenchard	Outside, L. 3 E. Consarn your picture, didn’t I tell you I was expected? You are as obstinate as Deacon Stumps’ forelock, that wouldn’t lie down and couldn’t stand up. Would’t pint forward and couldn’t go backward.
	Enter Asa Trenchard, L. 3 E., carrying a valise.
Asa Trenchard	Where’s the Squire?
Florence Trenchard	Do you mean Sir Edward Trenchard, sir?
Asa Trenchard	Yes.
Florence Trenchard	He is not present, but I am his daughter.
Asa Trenchard	Well, I guess that’ll fit about as well if you tell this darned old shoat to take me to my room.
Florence Trenchard	What does he mean by shoat?
Mr. Binny	Taking valise. He means me, mum; but what he wants⁠—
Asa Trenchard	Hurry up, old hoss!
Mr. Binny	He calls me a ’oss, Miss, I suppose I shall be a hox next, or perhaps an ’ogg.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, darn me if you ain’t the consarnedest old shoat I ever did see since I was baptized Asa Trenchard.
Florence Trenchard	Ah! then it is our American cousin. Glad to see you⁠—my brother told us to expect you.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, yes, I guess you do b’long to my family. I’m Asa Trenchard, born in Vermont, suckled on the banks of Muddy Creek, about the tallest gunner, the slickest dancer, and generally the loudest critter in the state. You’re my cousin, be you? Wal, I ain’t got no objections to kiss you, as one cousin ought to kiss another.
Harry Vernon	Sir, how dare you?
Asa Trenchard	Are you one of the family? Cause if you ain’t, you’ve got no right to interfere, and if you be, you needn’t be alarmed, I ain’t going to kiss you. Here’s your young man’s letter. Gives letter and attempts to kiss her.
Florence Trenchard	In the old country, Mr. Trenchard, cousins content themselves with hands, but our hearts are with them. You are welcome, there is mine. Gives her hand, which he shakes heartily.
Asa Trenchard	That’ll do about as well. I won’t kiss you if you don’t want me to; but if you did, I wouldn’t stop on account of that sailor man. Business of Harry Vernon threatening Asa Trenchard. Oh! now you needn’t get your back up. What an all-fired chap you are. Now if you’ll have me shown to my room, I should like to fix up a bit and put on a clean buzzom. All start. Why, what on earth is the matter with you all? I only spoke because you’re so all-fired go-to-meeting like.
Florence Trenchard	Show Mr. Trenchard to the red room, Mr. Binny, that is if you are done with it, Mr. Dundreary.
Lord Dundreary	Yeth, Miss Florence. The room and I have got through with each other, yeth.
	Asa Trenchard and Lord Dundreary see each other for the first time. Business of recognition, ad lib.
Asa Trenchard	Concentrated essence of baboons, what on earth is that?
Lord Dundreary	He’s mad. Yes, Miss Florence, I’ve done with that room. The rooks crowed so that they racked my brain.
Asa Trenchard	You don’t mean to say that you’ve got any brains.
Lord Dundreary	No, sir, such a thing never entered my head. The wed indians want to scalp me. Holding hands to his head.
Florence Trenchard	The red room, then, Mr. Binny.
Asa Trenchard	To Mr. Binny. Hold on! Examines him. Wal, darn me, but you keep your help in all-fired good order here. Feels of him. This old shoat is fat enough to kill. Hits Mr. Binny in stomach. Mr. Binny runs off, L. 2 E. Mind how you go up stairs, old hoss, or you’ll bust your biler. Exit, L. 3 E.
Lord Dundreary	Now he thinks Mr. Binny’s an engine and has got a boiler.
Florence Trenchard	Oh, what fun!
Mrs. Mountchessington	Old Mark Trenchard died very rich, did he not, Florence?
Florence Trenchard	Very rich, I believe.
Augusta	He’s not at all romantic, is he, mamma?
Mrs. Mountchessington	Aside to her. My dear, I have no doubt he has solid good qualities, and I don’t want you to laugh at him like Florence Trenchard.
Augusta	No, mamma, I won’t.
Florence Trenchard	But what are we to do with him?
Lord Dundreary	Ha! Ha! ha!
All	What is the matter?
Lord Dundreary	I’ve got an idea.
Florence Trenchard	Oh! let’s hear Dundreary’s idea.
Lord Dundreary	It’s so seldom I get an idea that when I do get one it startles me. Let us get a pickle bottle.
Florence Trenchard	Pickle bottle! All come down.
Lord Dundreary	Yeth; one of those things with glass sides.
	Enter Asa Trenchard, L. 2 E.
Florence Trenchard	Oh! you mean a glass case.
Lord Dundreary	Yeth, a glass case, that’s the idea, and let us put this Mr. Thomas Hawk in it, and have him on exhibition. That’s the idea.
Asa Trenchard	Down L. of Florence Trenchard, overhearing. Oh! that’s your idea, is it? Wal, stranger, I don’t know what they’re going to do with me, but wherever they do put me, I hope it will be out of the reach of a jackass. I’m a real hoss, I am, and I get kinder riley with those critters.
Lord Dundreary	Now he thinks he’s a horse. I’ve heard of a great jackass, and I dreampt of a jackass, but I don’t believe there is any such insect.
Florence Trenchard	Well, cousin, I hope you made yourself comfortable.
Asa Trenchard	Well, no, I can’t say as I did. You see there was so many all-fired fixins in my room I couldn’t find anything I wanted.
Florence Trenchard	What was it you couldn’t find in your room?
Asa Trenchard	There was no soft soap.
Capt. De Boots	Soft soap!
Augusta	Soft soap!
Harry Vernon	Soft soap!
Mrs. Mountchessington	Soft soap!
Florence Trenchard	Soft soap!
Georgina	On sofa. Soft soap!
Lord Dundreary	Thoft thoap?
Asa Trenchard	Yes, soft soap. I reckon you know what that is. However, I struck a pump in the kitchen, slicked my hair down a little, gave my boots a lick of grease, and now I feel quite handsome; but I’m everlastingly dry.
Florence Trenchard	You’ll find ale, wine and luncheon on the side table.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, I don’t know as I’ve got any appetite. You see comin’ along on the cars I worried down half a dozen ham sandwiches, eight or ten boiled eggs, two or three pumpkin pies and a string of cold sausages⁠—and⁠—Wal, I guess I can hold on till dinnertime.
Lord Dundreary	Did that illustrious exile eat all that? I wonder where he put it?
Asa Trenchard	I’m as dry as a sap-tree in August.
Mr. Binny	Throwing open, E. D. Luncheon!
Asa Trenchard	Goes hastily up to table. Wal, I don’t want to speak out too plain, but this is an awful mean set out for a big house like this.
Florence Trenchard	Why, what’s wrong, sir?
Asa Trenchard	Why, there’s no mush!
Asa Trenchard	Nary slapjack.
Lord Dundreary	Why, does he want Mary to slap Jack?
Asa Trenchard	No pork and beans!
Lord Dundreary	Pork’s been here, but he’s left.
Asa Trenchard	And where on airth’s the clam chowder?
Lord Dundreary	Where is clam chowder? He’s never here when he’s wanted.
Asa Trenchard	Drinks and spits. Here’s your health, old hoss. Do you call that a drink? See here, cousin, you seem to be the liveliest critter here, so just hurry up the fixins, and I’ll show this benighted aristocratic society what real liquor is. So hurry up the fixins.
All	Fixins?
Florence Trenchard	What do you mean by fixins?
Asa Trenchard	Why, brandy, rum, gin and whiskey. We’ll make them all useful.
Florence Trenchard	Oh, I’ll hurry up the fixins. What fun! Exit, R.
Lord Dundreary	Oh! I thought he meant the gas fixins.
Asa Trenchard	Say, you, you Mr. Puffy, you run out and get me a bunch of mint and a bundle of straws; hurry up, old hoss. Exit Mr. Binny, L. 3 E., indignantly. Say, Mr. Sailor man, just help me down with this table. Oh! don’t you get riley, you and I ran against each other when I came in, but we’ll be friends yet. Harry Vernon helps him with table to C.
	Enter Florence Trenchard, followed by servants in livery; they carry a case of decanters and water, on which are seven or eight glasses, two or three tin mixers and a bowl of sugar. Mr. Binny enters with a bunch of mint and a few straws.
Florence Trenchard	Here, cousin, are the fixins.
Asa Trenchard	That’s yer sort. Now then, I’ll give you all a drink that’ll make you squeal. To Mr. Binny. Here, Puffy, just shake that up, faster. I’ll give that sick gal a drink that’ll make her squirm like an eel on a mud bank.
Lord Dundreary	Screams. What a horrible idea. Runs about stage.
Florence Trenchard	Oh, don’t mind him! That’s only an American joke.
Lord Dundreary	A joke! Do you call that a joke? To make a sick girl squirm like a mud bank on an eel’s skin?
Asa Trenchard	Yes, I’ll give you a drink that’ll make your whiskers return under your chin, which is their natural location. Now, ladies and gentlemen, what’ll you have, Whiskey Skin, Brandy Smash, Sherry Cobbler, Mint Julep or Jersey Lightning?
Augusta	Oh, I want a Mint Julep.
Capt. De Boots	Give me a Gin Cocktail.
Florence Trenchard	I’ll take a Sherry Cobbler.
Harry Vernon	Brandy Smash for me.
Mrs. Mountchessington	Give me a Whiskey Skin.
Georgina	I’ll take a Lemonade.
Lord Dundreary	Give me a Jersey Lightning.
Asa Trenchard	Give him a Jersey Lightning. As Lord Dundreary drinks. Warranted to kill at forty rods. Lord Dundreary falls back on Mrs. Mountchessington and Georgina.
	Closed In

Scene 2

Library in Trenchard Manor. Oriel Window, L. C., with curtains. Two chairs and table brought on at change.

	Enter Mr. Binny and Mr. Coyle, L. 1 E.
Mr. Binny	Sir Hedward will see you directly, Mr. Coyle.
Mr. Coyle	Very well. House full of company, I see, Mr. Binny.
Mr. Binny	Cram full, Mr. Coyle. As one of the first families in the country we must keep up our position.
Mr. Coyle	Rubbing his hands. Certainly, certainly, that is as long as we can, Mr. Binny. Tell Murcott, my clerk, to bring my papers in here. You’ll find him in the servant’s hall, and see that you keep your strong ale out of his way. People who serve me must have their senses about them.
Mr. Binny	Aside. I should say so, or ’e’d ’ave hevery tooth hout in their ’eds, the wiper. Exit, L. 1 E.
Mr. Coyle	And now to show this pompous baronet the precipice on which he stands.
	Enter Murcott, with green bag and papers.
Mr. Coyle	Are you sober, sirrah?
Murcott	Yes, Mr. Coyle.
Mr. Coyle	Then see you keep so.
Abel Murcott	I’ll do my best, sir. But, oh! do tell them to keep liquor out of my way. I can’t keep from it now, try as I will, and I try hard enough, God help me!
Mr. Coyle	Pshaw! Get out those mortgages and the letters from my London agent. Murcott takes papers from bag and places them on table. Mr. Coyle looks off, R. 1 E. So; here comes Sir Edward. Go, but be within call. I may want you to witness a signature.
Abel Murcott	I will sir. Aside. I must have brandy, or my hand will not be steady enough to write. Exit, L. 1 E.
	Enter Sir Edward Trenchard, R. 1 E. Mr. Coyle bows.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Good morning, Mr. Coyle, good morning. With affected ease. There is a chair, Mr. Coyle. They sit. So you see those infernal tradespeople are pretty troublesome.
Mr. Coyle	My agent’s letter this morning announces that Walter and Brass have got judgement and execution on their amount for repairing your town house last season. Refers to papers. Boquet and Barker announce their intention of taking this same course with the wine account. Handmarth is preparing for a settlement of his heavy demand for the stables. Then there is Temper for pictures and other things and Miss Florence Trenchard’s account with Madame Pompon, and⁠—
Sir Edward Trenchard	Confound it, why harass me with details, these infernal particulars? Have you made out the total?
Mr. Coyle	Four thousand, eight hundred and thirty pounds, nine shillings and sixpence.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Well, of course we must find means of settling this extortion.
Mr. Coyle	Yes, Sir Edward, if possible.
Sir Edward Trenchard	If possible?
Mr. Coyle	I, as your agent, must stoop to detail, you must allow me to repeat, if possible.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Why, you don’t say there will be any difficulty in raising the money?
Mr. Coyle	What means would you suggest, Sir Edward.
Sir Edward Trenchard	That, sir, is your business.
Mr. Coyle	A foretaste in the interest on the Fanhille and Ellenthrope mortgages, you are aware both are in the arrears, the mortgagees in fact, write here to announce their intentions to foreclose. Shows papers.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Curse your impudence, pay them off.
Mr. Coyle	How, Sir Edward?
Sir Edward Trenchard	Confound it, sir, which of us is the agent? Am I to find you brains for your own business?
Mr. Coyle	No, Sir Edward, I can furnish the brains, but what I ask of you is to furnish the money.
Sir Edward Trenchard	There must be money somewhere, I came into possession of one of the finest properties in Hampshire only twenty-six years ago, and now you mean to tell me I cannot raise 4,000 pounds?
Mr. Coyle	The fact is distressing, Sir Edward, but so it is.
Sir Edward Trenchard	There’s the Ravensdale property unencumbered.
Mr. Coyle	There, Sir Edward, you are under a mistake. The Ravensdale property is deeply encumbered, to nearly its full value.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Springing up. Good heavens.
Mr. Coyle	I have found among my father’s papers a mortgage of that very property to him.
Sir Edward Trenchard	To your father! My father’s agent?
Mr. Coyle	Yes, bearing date the year after the great contested election for the county, on which the late Sir Edward patriotically spent sixty thousand pounds for the honor of not being returned to Parliament.
Sir Edward Trenchard	A mortgage on the Ravensdale estate. But it must have been paid off, Mr. Coyle, Anxiously have you looked for the release or the receipt?
Mr. Coyle	Neither exists. My father’s sudden death explains sufficiently. I was left in ignorance of the transaction, but the seals on the deed and the stamps are intact, here it is, sir. Shows it.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Sir, do you know that if this be true I am something like a beggar, and your father something like a thief.
Mr. Coyle	I see the first plainly, Sir Edward, but not the second.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Do you forget sir, that your father was a charity boy, fed, clothed by my father?
Mr. Coyle	Well, Sir Edward?
Sir Edward Trenchard	And do you mean to tell me, sir, that your father repaid that kindness by robbing his benefactor?
Mr. Coyle	Certainly not, but by advancing money to that benefactor when he wanted it, and by taking the security of one of his benefactor’s estates, as any prudent man would under the circumstances.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Why, then, sir, the benefactor’s property is yours.
Mr. Coyle	Pardon me, the legal estate you have your equity of redemption. You have only to pay the money and the estate is yours as before.
Sir Edward Trenchard	How dare you, sir, when you have just shown me that I cannot raise five hundred pounds in the world. Oh! Florence, why did I not listen to you when you warned me against this man?
Mr. Coyle	Aside. Oh! she warned you, did she? Aloud. I see one means, at least, of keeping the Ravensdale estate in the family.
Sir Edward Trenchard	What is it?
Mr. Coyle	By marrying your daughter to the mortgagee.
Sir Edward Trenchard	To you?
Mr. Coyle	I am prepared to settle the estate on Miss Trenchard the day she becomes Mrs. Richard Coyle.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Springing up. You insolent scoundrel, how dare you insult me in my own house, sir. Leave it, sir, or I will have you kicked out by my servants.
Mr. Coyle	I never take an angry man at his word, Sir Edward. Give a few moments reflection to my offer, you can have me kicked out afterwards.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Pacing stage. A beggar, Sir Edward Trenchard a beggar, see my children reduced to labor for their bread, to misery perhaps; but the alternative, Florence detests him, still the match would save her, at least, from ruin. He might take the family name, I might retrench, retire, to the continent for a few years. Florence’s health might serve as a pretence. Repugnant as the alternative is, yet it deserves consideration.
Mr. Coyle	Who has watched. Now, Sir Edward, shall I ring for the servants to kick me out?
Sir Edward Trenchard	Nay Mr. Coyle, you must pardon my outburst, you know I am hasty, and⁠—
Florence Trenchard	Without. Papa, dear! Enters gaily, starts on seeing Mr. Coyle. Papa, pardon my breaking in on business, but our American cousin has come, such an original⁠—and we are only waiting for you to escort us to the field.
Sir Edward Trenchard	I will come directly, my love. Mr. Coyle, my dear, you did not see him.
Florence Trenchard	Disdainfully. Oh! yes, I saw him, papa.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Nay, Florence, your hand to Mr. Coyle. Aside. I insist.
Florence Trenchard	Papa. Frightened at his look, gives her hand. Mr. Coyle attempts to kiss it, she snatches it away and crosses to L.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Crosses to L. Come, Florence. Mr. Coyle, we will join you in the park. Come, my love, take my arm. Hurries her off, L. 1 E.
Mr. Coyle	Shallow, selfish fool. She warned you of me did she? And you did not heed her; you shall both pay dearly. She, for her suspicions, and you that you did not share them. Walks up and down. How lucky the seals were not cut from that mortgage, when the release was given. ’Tis like the silly security of the Trenchard’s. This mortgage makes Ravensdale mine, while the release that restores it to its owner lies in the recess of the bureau, whose secret my father revealed to me on his deathbed. Enter Murcott, L. 1 E. Write to the mortgagee of the Fanhill and Ellenthrope estates, to foreclose before the week is out, and tell Walters and Brass to put in execution today. We’ll prick this windbag of a Baronet. Abel, we have both a bone to pick with him and his daughter. Murcott starts. Why, what’s the matter?
Abel Murcott	Nothing, the dizziness I’ve had lately.
Mr. Coyle	Brandy in the evening, brandy in the morning, brandy all night. What a fool you are, Murcott.
Abel Murcott	Who knows that as well as I do?
Mr. Coyle	If you would but keep the money out of your mouth, there’s the making of a man in you yet.
Abel Murcott	No, no, it’s gone too far, it’s gone too far, thanks to the man who owns this house, you know all about it. How he found me a thriving, sober lad, flogging the village children through their spelling book. How he took a fancy to me as he called it, and employed me here to teach his son and Miss Florence. His voice falters. Then remember how I forgot who and what I was, and was cuffed out of the house like a dog. How I lost my school, my good name, but still hung about the place, they all looked askance at me, you don’t know how that kills the heart of a man, then I took to drink and sank down, down, till I came to this.
Mr. Coyle	You owe Sir Edward revenge, do you not? You shall have a rare revenge on him, that mortgage you found last week puts the remainder of the property in my reach, and I close my hand on it unless he will consent to my terms.
Abel Murcott	You can drive a hard bargain. I know.
Mr. Coyle	And a rare price I ask for his forbearance, Abel⁠—his daughter’s hand.
Abel Murcott	Florence?
Mr. Coyle	Yes, Florence marries Richard Coyle. Richard Coyle steps into Sir Edward’s estates. There, you dog, will not that be a rare revenge. So follow me with those papers. Crosses to L. And now to lay the mine that will topple over the pride of the Trenchards. Exit L. 1 E.
Abel Murcott	He marry Florence! Florence Trenchard! My Florence. Mine! Florence his wife. No, no, better a thousand times she had been mine, low as I am, when I dreampt that dream, but it shan’t be, it shan’t be. Tremblingly putting papers in bag. If I can help her, sot though I am. Yes, I can help her, if the shock don’t break me down. Oh! my poor muddled brain, surely there was a release with it when I found it. I must see Florence to warn her and expose Mr. Coyle’s villainy. Oh! how my poor head throbs when I try to. I shall die if I don’t have a drop of brandy, yes brandy. Exit, L. 1 E.

Scene 3

Chamber in 3. at Trenchard Manor. Large shower bath near R. 3 E. Toilet table with draw, L. 2 E. Small bottle in draw with red sealing wax on cork.

	Asa Trenchard discovered seated, R. with foot on table, smoking a cigar. Valise on floor in front of him. Mr. Binny discovered standing by his side.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, I guess I begin to feel kinder comfortable here in this place, if it wan’t for this tarnal fat critter. He don’t seem to have any work to do, but swells out his big bosom like an old turkey-cock in laying time. I do wonder what he’s here for? Do they think I mean to absquatulate with the spoons? Mr. Binny attempts to take valise⁠—Asa Trenchard puts his foot on it. Let that sweat. That’s my plunder.
Mr. Binny	Will you have the kindness to give me your keys, hif you please, sir?
Asa Trenchard	What do you want with my keys?
Mr. Binny	To put your things away in the wardrobe, sir.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, I calculate if my two shirts, three bosoms, four collars, and two pair of socks were to get into that everlasting big bunk, they’d think themselves so all-fired small I should never be able to crawl into them again.
Mr. Binny	Will you take a baath before you dress?
Asa Trenchard	Take a baath?
Mr. Binny	A baath.
Asa Trenchard	I suppose you mean a bath. Wal, man, I calkalate I ain’t going to expose myself to the shakes by getting into cold water in this cruel cold climate of yours, so make tracks.
Mr. Binny	Make what?
Asa Trenchard	Vamose!
Mr. Binny	Make vamose!
Asa Trenchard	Absquatulate.
Mr. Binny	Ab⁠—what sir?
Asa Trenchard	Skedaddle.
Mr. Binny	Skedaddle?
Asa Trenchard	Oh! get out.
Mr. Binny	Oh! Going. If you are going to dress you’ll want some hassistance.
Asa Trenchard	Assistance! what to get out of my unmentionables and into them again? Wal, ’spose I do, what then?
Mr. Binny	Just ring the bell, hi’ll hattend you.
Asa Trenchard	All right, come along. Mr. Binny going. Hold on, say, I may want to yawn presently and I shall want somebody to shut my mouth. Mr. Binny hurries off, L. 1 E. Wal, now I am alone, I can look about me and indulge the enquiring spirit of an American citizen. What an everlasting lot of things and fixins there is to be sure. Opens table draw. Here’s a place will hold my plunder beautifully. Sees bottle. Hallo, what’s this? Comes down. Something good to drink. Smells bottle. It smells awful bad. Reads label. Golden Fluid, one application turns the hair a beautiful brown, several applications will turn the hair a lustrous black. Well, if they keep on it may turn a pea green. I reckon this has been left here by some fellow who is ashamed of the natural color of his top knot. Knock. Come in.
	Enter Mr. Binny, L. 1 E.
Mr. Binny	Mr. Buddicombe, sir, my lord’s hown man.
Asa Trenchard	Roll him in. Mr. Binny beckons, enter Mr. Buddicombe. Turkey cock number two, what is it?
Mr. Buddicombe	My Lord Dundreary’s compliments and have you seen a small bottle in the toilet table drawer?
Asa Trenchard	Suppose I had, what then?
Mr. Buddicombe	My lord wants it particly.
Asa Trenchard	Was it a small bottle?
Mr. Buddicombe	A small bottle.
Mr. Binny	Bottle small.
Asa Trenchard	Blue label?
Mr. Binny	Label blue.
Asa Trenchard	Red sealing wax on the top?
Mr. Buddicombe	Red sealing wax.
Mr. Binny	Wax red.
Asa Trenchard	Nice little bottle?
Mr. Binny	Little bottle nice.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, I ain’t seen it. Aside. If my lord sets a valley on it, guess it must be worth something.
Mr. Buddicombe	Sorry to trouble you, sir.
Mr. Binny	Aside to Mr. Buddicombe. What his hit?
Mr. Buddicombe	My lord’s hair dye, the last bottle, and he turns red tomorrow. Exit in haste.
Mr. Binny	Orrable, what an hawful situation, to be sure.
Asa Trenchard	Aside. So I’ve got my ring on that lord’s nose, and if I don’t make him dance to my tune it’s a pity.
Mr. Binny	Miss Florence begged me to say she had borrowed a costume for you, for the harchery meeting, sir.
Asa Trenchard	Hain’t you dropped something?
Mr. Binny	Where?
Asa Trenchard	What do you mean by the harchery meeting?
Mr. Binny	Where they shoot with bows and harrows.
Asa Trenchard	There goes another of them, oh! you need’nt look for them, you can’t find ’em when you want ’em. Now you just take my compliments to Miss Trenchard when I goes out shooting with injurious weapons I always wears my own genuine shooting costume. That’s the natural buff tipped off with a little red paint.
Mr. Binny	Good gracious, he’d look like Hadam and Heve, in the garden of Eden. Exit Mr. Binny.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, there’s a queer lot of fixings. Sees shower bath. What on airth is that? Looks like a ’skeeter net, only it ‘ain’t long enough for a feller to lay down in unless he was to coil himself up like a woodchuck in a knot hole. I’d just like to know what the all-fired thing is meant for. Calls. Say Puffy, Puffy, Oh! he told me if I wanted him to ring the bell. Looks round room. Where on airth is the bell? Slips partly inside shower bath, pulls rope, water comes down. Murder! help! fire! Water! I’m drown.
	Enter Skillet, Sharpe, R. 1 E. Mr. Binny, Mr. Buddicombe, L. 1 E., seeing Asa Trenchard, all laugh, and keep it up till curtain falls.

Curtain

Act II

Scene 1

Oriel Chamber in one.

	Enter Mrs. Mountchessington and Augusta, L. 1 E., dressed for Archery Meeting.
Mrs. Mountchessington	No, my dear Augusta, you must be very careful. I don’t by any means want you to give up De Boots, his expectations are excellent, but, pray be attentive to this American savage, as I rather think he will prove the better match of the two, if what I hear of Mark Trenchard’s property be correct.
Augusta	Disdainfully. Yes, ma.
Mrs. Mountchessington	And look more cheerful, my love.
Augusta	I am so tired, ma, of admiring things I hate.
Mrs. Mountchessington	Yes, my poor love, yet we must all make sacrifices to society. Look at your poor sister, with the appetite.
Augusta	What am I to be enthusiastic about with that American, Ma?
Mrs. Mountchessington	Oh! I hardly know yet, my dear. We must study him. I think if you read up Sam Slick a little, it might be useful, and just dip into Bancroft’s History of the United States, or some of Russell’s Letters; you should know something of George Washington, of whom the Americans are justly proud.
Augusta	Here he comes, ma. What a ridiculous figure he looks in that dress, ha! ha!
Mrs. Mountchessington	Hush, my dear!
	Enter Asa Trenchard, in Archery Dress.
Augusta	Oh, Mr. Trenchard, why did you not bring me one of those lovely Indian’s dresses of your boundless prairie?
Mrs. Mountchessington	Yes, one of those dresses in which you hunt the buffalo.
Augusta	Extravagantly. Yes, in which you hunt the buffalo.
Asa Trenchard	Imitating. In which I hunt the buffalo. Aside. Buffaloes down in Vermont. Aloud. Wal, you see, them dresses are principally the nateral skin, tipped off with paint, and the indians object to parting with them.
Both	Ahem! ahem!
Asa Trenchard	The first buffalo I see about here I shall hunt up for you.
Mrs. Mountchessington	Oh, you Americans are so clever, and so acute.
Augusta	Yes, so ’cute.
Asa Trenchard	Yes, we’re ’cute, we are; know soft solder when we see it.
Augusta	Aside. Ma, I do believe he’s laughing at us.
Mrs. Mountchessington	Oh, no, my dear, you are mistaken. Oh! I perceive they are appearing for the archery practice. I suppose we shall see you on the ground, Mr. Trenchard.
Asa Trenchard	Yes, I’ll be there like a thousand of brick.
Augusta	A thousand of brick!
Mrs. Mountchessington	Hush, my dear! that is doubtless some elegant American expression. Au revoir, Mr. Trenchard.
Asa Trenchard	Which?
Mrs. Mountchessington	Au revoir. Exit with Augusta, R.
Asa Trenchard	No, thank you, don’t take any before dinner. No use their talking Dutch to me. Wal, I never see an old gal stand fire like that, she’s a real old bison bull. I feel all-fired tuckered out riding in those keers. I’d like to have a snooze if I could find a place to lay down in. Sees curtain on window, L. E. Oh, this might do! Pulls curtain, then starts back. No you don’t! One shower bath a day is enough for me. Cautiously opens them. No, I guess this is all right, I shall be just as snug in here as in a pew at meeting, or a private box at the Theatre. Hello! somebody’s coming. Goes into recess.
	Enter Lord Dundreary and Mr. Buddicombe, L. 1 E.
Mr. Buddicombe	My lord⁠—
Lord Dundreary	Business.
Mr. Buddicombe	My lord!
Lord Dundreary	Business.
Mr. Buddicombe	Your lordship!! Louder.
Lord Dundreary	There, now you’ve spoiled it.
Mr. Buddicombe	Spoiled what, my lord?
Lord Dundreary	Spoiled what, my lord; why, a most magnificent sneeze!
Mr. Buddicombe	I am very sorry, my lord.
Lord Dundreary	Now that I can speak alone with you, tell me about that hair dye. Have you found it?
Mr. Buddicombe	Not a trace of it, my lord.
Lord Dundreary	If you don’t find it, I’ll discharge you.
Mr. Buddicombe	Very well, my lord. Bows and exits, L. 1 E.
Lord Dundreary	Very well, my lord! He’s gone and lost my hair dye, and my hair turns red tomorrow, and when I ask him to find it for me or I’ll discharge him, he says, ‘Very well, my lord.’ He’s positively idiotic, he is⁠—Ah! here comes Miss Georgina, that gorgeous creature⁠—that lovely sufferer. Exit, L. 1 E.
Asa Trenchard	Looking out. What’s the price of hair dye? Hallo! he’s coming again with that sick girl.
	Re-enter Lord Dundreary and Georgina, L. 1 E.
Lord Dundreary	Will you try and strengthen your limbs with a gentle walk in the garden?
Georgina	No, thank you, my lord. I’m so delicate. Oh, my lord, it is so painful to walk languidly through life, to be unable, at times, to bear the perfumes of one’s favorite flowers. Even those violets you sent me yesterday I was compelled to have removed from my room, the perfume was too strong for me. I’m so delicate.
Lord Dundreary	Yes, Miss Georgina; but they’re very strengthening flowers, you know.
Georgina	Yes, my lord, you are always right.
Lord Dundreary	Do you know I’m getting to be very robust?
Georgina	Would I could share that fault with you; but I am so delicate.
Lord Dundreary	If you were robust I should not love you as I do. It would deprive you of that charm which enchains me to your lovely side, which⁠—which⁠—
Georgina	Oh, my lord, my lord! I’m going to faint.
Lord Dundreary	And I’m going to sneeze, you faint while I sneeze.
Georgina	Taking his arm. Oh! my lord.
Lord Dundreary	Do you know what a sneeze is?
Georgina	No, my lord.
Lord Dundreary	She never sneezed. I’ll tell you what a sneeze is. Imagine a very large spider.
Georgina	Screams. Where, my lord?
Lord Dundreary	No, no, I don’t mean a real spider, only an imaginary one, a large spider getting up your nose, and all of a sudden, much to his disgust, he discovers he has put his foot in it and can’t get it out again.
Georgina	That must be very distressing.
Lord Dundreary	For the spider, yes, and not very pleasant for the nose.
Georgina	Oh! my lord, do take me to mamma.
Lord Dundreary	No, you lovely sufferer, let’s walk a little more.
Georgina	I can’t my lord, I’m so delicate.
Lord Dundreary	Well, then, exercise, imitate that little hop of mine. Hops. It isn’t a run, it’s a⁠—
Georgina	What is it?
Lord Dundreary	No, it isn’t a what is it. Well, let me suppose I get you an oyster. Georgina shakes her head. Oh! then suppose I get you an oyster.
Georgina	No, my lord, I’m too delicate.
Lord Dundreary	How would you like the left wing of a canary bird?
Georgina	No, my lord, it’s too strong for me.
Lord Dundreary	Let me ask you a widdle⁠—why does a duck go under water? for divers reasons. Now I’ll give you another⁠—why does a duck come out of the water? for sundry reasons. No! No! see, you live on suction, you’re like that bird with a long bill, they call doctor, no, that’s not it, I thought it was a doctor, because it has a long bill⁠—I mean a snipe⁠—yes, you’re a lovely snipe. Exeunt, R.
Asa Trenchard	Looking after them. There goes a load of wooden nutmegs. Hello, here comes somebody else.
	Enter Florence Trenchard, R., with paper.
Florence Trenchard	Reads. ‘One who still remembers what he ought long since to have forgotten, wishes to speak with Miss Trenchard.’ Florence scratched out, ‘on matters of life and death, near the orel, in the west gallery.’ Written upon a dirty sheet of paper, in a hardly legible hand. What does this mean; it opens like one of Mrs. Radcliffe’s romances. Well, here I am, and now for my correspondent.
	Enter Abel Murcott, L.
Abel Murcott	Oh! for one minute’s clear head, Miss Florence.
Florence Trenchard	I presume you are the writer of this?
Abel Murcott	Yes, I am.
Florence Trenchard	You address me as an old acquaintance, but I do not recognize you.
Abel Murcott	So much the better. So much the better.
Florence Trenchard	I hate mystery, sir; but you see I have come to rendezvous. I must know to whom I am speaking.
Abel Murcott	As frank as ever. I am Abel Murcott.
Florence Trenchard	Starting back! You?
Abel Murcott	Do not be ashamed, I have not the strength to injure you, if I had the evil. In this shabby, broken down drunkard you need not fear the madman, who years ago forgot in his frantic passion the gulf that lay between your station and his own. I am harmless except to myself.
Florence Trenchard	Speak on, sir; I hear you.
Abel Murcott	I need not tell you by what steps I came to this, you don’t know, maybe you never knew, what a maddening thing a passion is when it turns against itself. After being expelled from my tutorship in this house, I lost my employment, self-respect, hope. I sought to drown recollection and draw courage from drink. It only embittered remembrances, and destroyed the little courage I had left. That I have bread to eat, I owe to Mr. Coyle; he employed me as his clerk. You know he has been with your father this morning. I have come to tell you my errand; are you as brave as you used to be when I knew⁠—
Florence Trenchard	I fear nothing.
Abel Murcott	I come to tell you of your father’s ruin, his utter ruin.
Florence Trenchard	My father’s ruin? What? What?
Abel Murcott	His estates are mortgaged, his creditors clamorous. The Bailiffs will be in Trenchard Manor today, disguised as your own servants. This much Mr. Coyle has conceded to your father’s respect for appearances.
Florence Trenchard	Then beggary stares him in the face. Poor father, what a sad blow for him. Is that all, sir?
Abel Murcott	No; the worst remains.
Florence Trenchard	Go on, sir.
Abel Murcott	Mr. Coyle knows your father’s weakness and as a means of escape from ruin to the verge of which he has brought him, he has this day proposed for your hand.
Florence Trenchard	Mine!
Abel Murcott	On consideration of settling on you the Ravensdale Estate.
Florence Trenchard	And my father, how did he listen to such insolence?
Abel Murcott	You know as well as I do how he would hear such a proposal, at first a torrent of rage, then the strong ebb of selfishness set in, and he consented to listen to the terms, to view them as something to be considered, to consider them.
Florence Trenchard	Good Heavens, can this be true? No, I will not believe it of my father, and from such lips.
Abel Murcott	You have full right to think this and to say it, but mark your father and Mr. Coyle today. You will then see if I speak truth or not.
Florence Trenchard	Forgive my distrust, Mr. Murcott.
Abel Murcott	I am past taking offence or feeling scorn, I have carried more than can be heaped upon me, but I did not come only to give you warning of your danger.
Florence Trenchard	Can you avert it?
Asa Trenchard	Coming down between them. Wal, stranger that’s just the question I was going to ask.
Florence Trenchard	You here, sir, and listening.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, it wasn’t purpose, I went in there to take a snooze, I heard you talking and I thought it wouldn’t be polite of me not to listen to what you had to say. I’m a rough sort of a customer, and don’t know much about the ways of great folks. But I’ve got a cool head, a stout arm, and a willing heart, and I think I can help you, just as one cousin ought to help another.
Florence Trenchard	Well, I do think you are honest.
Abel Murcott	Shall I go on?
Florence Trenchard	Yes, we will trust him, go on.
Abel Murcott	I found the Ravensdale mortgage while rumaging in an old deed box of Mr. Coyle’s father’s, there was a folded paper inside the deed. I took both to Mr. Coyle unopened, like a besotted fool that I was. My belief is strong that the paper was the release of the mortgage that the money had been paid off, and the release executed without the seals having been cut from the original mortgage. I have known such things happen.
Asa Trenchard	Have ye, now? Well, if a Yankee lawyer had done such a thing he would have Judge Lynch after him in no time.
Abel Murcott	You can but find that release, we may unmask this diabolical fiend and save you.
Florence Trenchard	But, surely, a villain of Mr. Coyle’s stability would have destroyed the paper, the very keystone of his fraud.
Abel Murcott	I fear so.
Asa Trenchard	Do you, now, wal, you’re wrong, you’re both wrong. I guess you ain’t either on you done much cyphering human nature. The keystone of their fraud is just the point your mighty cute rascals always leave unsecured. Come along with me, stranger, and we’ll just work up this sum a little, two heads are better than one. Yours is a little muddled, but mine’s pretty clear, and if I don’t circumvent that old sarpint, Mr. Coyle⁠—
Florence Trenchard	Well?
Asa Trenchard	Say I am a skunk, that’s all, and that’s the meanest kind of an animal. Exit L. 1 E.
Florence Trenchard	I owe you much, Mr. Murcott, more than I can ever repay.
Abel Murcott	No, no, no, if you did but know the hope of seeing you has roused all the manhood that drink and misery has left me. God bless you, Miss Florence.
Florence Trenchard	No, you don’t call me Florence as you did when I was the truant pupil and you the indulgent tutor. Offers her hand.
Abel Murcott	No, no; for heaven’s sake do not call back that time or I shall go mad! mad! mad. Rushes off, L. 1 E., followed by Florence Trenchard.

Scene 2

Park in 4. Rural cottage, L. 1 E., adjoining which, and projecting on stage an inside view of a dairy with sloping roof, painting backing to look like milk pans. The whole scene should have a picturesque appearance. Garden fence run across back, ornamental gate or archway, R. 3 E. Pigeon house on pole near dairy, L. C. Spinning wheel inside cottage door, one or two rustic benches, R. and L.

	Enter John Wickens, R. 3 E, with two milk pails on a yoke, puts them down near dairy, then looks off, R. 3 E.
John Wickens	There they go, that’s a bull’s eye, I warrant. Dang me though, if I wouldn’t rather see Miss Mary than this cock robin sports yonder, here she comes. Good morning, Miss Mary. Enter Mary from cottage L.
Mary	Oh, Wickens, you are there. How kind of you to help me with the milk pails today, when all the lads and lasses have given themselves a holiday to see the shooting.
John Wickens	Ah, Miss Mary, you ought to be among then, with a green hat and feather, if all had their rights.
Mary	Laughing. Nay, ladies without a farthing in the world, ought to put aside their ladyships and make themselves: besides I’m proud of my dairy here, just help me with this troublesome fellow, steady, don’t shake it, the cream is foaming so beautifully. There. John Wickens carries pan into cottage and returns down, R.
John Wickens	Now, Miss Mary, what can I do for you?
Mary	Let me see; well, really, I do believe, Wickens, I’ve nothing to do but amuse myself.
John Wickens	Dang it, Miss, that’s a pity, cos I can’t help you at that, you see.
Mary	Oh! Yes, bring me out dear old Welsh nurse’s spinning wheel Exit John Wickens into cottage, L. 2 E. by the side of which I have stood so often, a round-eyed baby wondering at its whirring wheel. Reenter John Wickens with wheel, places it near cottage, L. 2 E. There, that will do famously. I can catch the full scent of the jessamines.
John Wickens	R. C. Anything more, Miss Mary?
Mary	No, thank you, Wickens!
John Wickens	Going. Good morning, Miss Mary.
Mary	Good morning, Wickens.
John Wickens	Returning. Is there anything I can get for you, Miss Mary?
Mary	Spinning. Nothing, thank you.
John Wickens	Dang me if I wouldn’t like to stop all day, and watch her pretty figure and run errands for her. Exit R. 3 E., crosses behind fence.
Mary	Poor Wickens is not the only one who thinks I am a very ill-used young body. Now I don’t think so. Grandfather was rich, but he must have had a bad heart, or he never could have cast off poor mamma; had he adopted me, I should never have been so happy as I am now, uncle is kind to me in his pompous, patronizing way, and dear Florence loves me like a sister, and so I am happy. I am my own mistress here, and not anybody’s humble servant, I sometimes find myself singing as the birds do, because I can’t help it Song, “Maid with the Milking Pail,” can be introduced here.
	Enter Florence Trenchard and Asa Trenchard through gate, R. 3 E.
Florence Trenchard	Come along, cousin, come along. I want to introduce you to my little cousin. Kisses Mary. I’ve brought you a visitor, Miss Mary Meredith, Mr. Asa Trenchard, our American cousin. They shake hands. That will do for the present. This young gentleman has carried off the prize by three successive shots in the bull’s eye.
Mary	I congratulate you, sir, and am happy to see you.
Asa Trenchard	Shakes hands again. Thank you, Miss.
Florence Trenchard	That will do for a beginning.
Asa Trenchard	Aside. And so that is Mark Trenchard’s grandchild.
Mary	Why have you left the archery, Florence?
Florence Trenchard	Because, after Mr. Asa Trenchard’s display, I felt in no humor for shooting, and I have some very grave business with my cousin here.
Mary	You? Grave business? Why I thought you never had any graver business than being very pretty, very amiable, and very ready to be amused.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, Miss, I guess the first comes natural round these diggins. Bows.
Mary	You are very polite. This is my domain, sir, and I shall be happy to show you, that is, if you understand anything about a dairy.
Florence Trenchard	Yes, by the way, do you understand anything about dairies in America?
Asa Trenchard	Wal, I guess I do know something about cow juice. They turn to smother laugh. Why, if it ain’t all as bright and clean as a fresh washed shirt just off the clover, and is this all your doin’s, Miss?
Mary	Yes, sir, I milk the cows, set up the milk, superintend the churning and make the cheese.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, darn me if you ain’t the first raal right down useful gal I’ve seen on this side the pond.
Florence Trenchard	What’s that, sir? Do you want to make me jealous?
Asa Trenchard	Oh, no, you needn’t get your back up, you are the right sort too, but you must own you’re small potatoes, and few in a hill compared to a gal like that.
Florence Trenchard	I’m what?
Asa Trenchard	Small potatoes.
Florence Trenchard	Will you be kind enough to translate that for me, for I don’t understand American yet.
Asa Trenchard	Yes, I’ll put it in French for you, petite pommes des terres.
Florence Trenchard	Ah, it’s very clear now; but, cousin, do tell me what you mean by calling me small potatoes.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, you can sing and paint, and play on the pianner, and in your own particular circle you are some pumpkins.
Florence Trenchard	Some pumpkins, first I am small potatoes, and now I’m some pumpkins.
Asa Trenchard	But she, she can milk cows, set up the butter, make cheese, and, darn me, if them ain’t what I call raal downright feminine accomplishments.
Florence Trenchard	I do believe you are right cousin, so Mary do allow me to congratulate you upon not being small potatoes.
Mary	Well, I must look to my dairy or all my last week’s milk will be spoiled. Goodbye, Florence, dear. Goodbye, Mr. Trenchard. Good morning, sir. Exit into Cottage.
Asa Trenchard	Following her to door. Good morning, Miss. I’ll call again.
Florence Trenchard	Well, cousin, what do you think of her?
Asa Trenchard	Ain’t she a regular snorter?
Florence Trenchard	A what?
Asa Trenchard	Wal, perhaps I should make myself more intelligable, if I said, a squeeler, and to think I’m keepin’ that everlasting angel of a gal out of her fortune all along of this bit of paper here.Takes paper from pocket.
Florence Trenchard	What is that?
Asa Trenchard	Old Mark Trenchard’s will.
Florence Trenchard	Don’t show it to me, I don’t want to look at it, the fortune should have come to Mary, she is the only relation in the direct line.
Asa Trenchard	Say, cousin, you’ve not told her that darned property was left to me, have you?
Florence Trenchard	Do you think I had the heart to tell her of her misfortune?
Asa Trenchard	Wal, darn me, if you didn’t show your good sense at any rate. Goes up to dairy.
Florence Trenchard	Well, what are you doing, showing your good sense?
Asa Trenchard	Oh, you go long.
Florence Trenchard	Say, cousin, I guess I’ve got you on a string now, as I heard you say this morning.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, what if you have, didn’t I see you casting sheep’s eyes at that sailor man this morning? Ah, I reckon I’ve got you on a string now. Say, has he got that ship yet?
Florence Trenchard	No, he hasn’t, though I’ve used all my powers of persuasion with that Lord Dundreary, and his father has so much influence with the admiralty.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, din’t he drop like a smoked possum?
Florence Trenchard	There you go, more American. No, he said he was very sorry, but he couldn’t.
Asa Trenchard	Taking bottle out. Oh, he did, did he? Wal, I guess he’ll do his best all the same.
Florence Trenchard	I shall be missed at the archery grounds. Will you take me back?
Asa Trenchard	Like a streak of lightning. Offers arm and takes her to dairy.
Florence Trenchard	That’s not the way.
Asa Trenchard	No, of course not. Takes her round stage back to dairy.
Florence Trenchard	Well, but where are you going now?
Asa Trenchard	I was just going round. I say, cousin, don’t you think you could find your way back alone.
Florence Trenchard	Why, what do you want to do?
Asa Trenchard	Wal, I just wanted to see how they make cheese is this darned country. Exits into dairy.
Florence Trenchard	Laughing. And they call that man a savage; well, I only wish we had a few more such savages in England.
Lord Dundreary	Without, R. 2 E. This way, lovely sufferer.
Florence Trenchard	Ah, here’s Dundreary.
	Lord Dundreary enters with Georgina, places her in rustic chair, R.
Lord Dundreary	There, repothe yourself.
Georgina	Thank you, my lord; you are so kind to me, and I am so delicate.
Florence Trenchard	Yes, you look delicate, dear; how is she this morning, any better?
Lord Dundreary	When she recovers, she’ll be better.
Florence Trenchard	I’m afraid you don’t take good care of her, you are so rough.
Lord Dundreary	No, I’m not wruff, either. Sings. I’m gentle and I’m kind, I’m⁠—I forget the rest
Florence Trenchard	Well, good morning, dear⁠—do take care of her⁠—good day, Dundreary. Exit through gate.
Lord Dundreary	Now, let me administer to your wants. How would you like a roast chestnut?
Georgina	No, my lord, I’m too delicate.
Lord Dundreary	Well, then, a peanut; there is a great deal of nourishment in peanuts.
Georgina	No, thank you.
Lord Dundreary	Then what can I do for you?
Georgina	If you please, ask the dairy maid to let me have a seat in the dairy. I am afraid of the draft, here.
Lord Dundreary	Oh! you want to get out of the draft, do you? Well, you’re not the only one that wants to escape the draft. Is that the dairy on top of that stick? Points to pigeon house.
Georgina	No, my lord, that’s the pigeon house.
Lord Dundreary	What do they keep in pigeon houses? Oh! pigeons, to be sure; they couldn’t keep donkeys up there, could they? That’s the dairy, I suppothe?
Georgina	Yes, my lord.
Lord Dundreary	What do they keep in dairies?
Georgina	Eggs, milk, butter and cheese.
Lord Dundreary	What’s the name of that animal with a head on it? No, I don’t mean that, all animals have heads. I mean those animals with something growing out of their heads.
Georgina	A cow?
Lord Dundreary	A cow growing out of his head?
Georgina	No, no, horns.
Lord Dundreary	A cow! well, that accounts for the milk and butter; but I don’t see the eggs; cows don’t give eggs; then there’s the cheese⁠—do you like cheese?
Georgina	No, my lord.
Lord Dundreary	Does your brother like cheese?
Georgina	I have no brother. I’m so delicate.
Lord Dundreary	She’s so delicate, she hasn’t got a brother. Well, if you had a brother do you think he’d like cheese?
Georgina	I don’t know; do please take me to the dairy.
Lord Dundreary	Well, I will see if I can get you a broiled sardine. Exit into dairy.
Georgina	Jumps up. Oh! I’m so glad he’s gone. I am so dreadful hungry. I should like a plate of corn beef and cabbage, eggs and bacon, or a slice of cold ham and pickles.
Lord Dundreary	Outside. Thank you, thank you.
Georgina	Running back to seat. Here he comes. Oh! I am so delicate.
	Enter Lord Dundreary.
Lord Dundreary	I beg you pardon, Miss Georgina, but I find upon enquiry that cows don’t give sardines. But I’ve arranged it with the dairy maid so that you can have a seat by the window that overlooks the cow house and the pig sty, and all the pretty things.
Georgina	I’m afraid I’m very troublesome.
Lord Dundreary	Yes, you’re very troublesome, you are. No, I mean you’re a lovely sufferer, that’s the idea. They go up to cottage door.
	Enter Asa Trenchard, running against Lord Dundreary.
Lord Dundreary	There’s that damned rhinoceros again. Exit into cottage, with Georgina.
Asa Trenchard	There goes that benighted aristocrat and that little toad of a sick gal. Looks off. There he’s a settling her in a chair and covering her all over with shawls. Ah! it’s a caution, how these women do fix our flint for us. Here he comes. Takes out bottle. How are you, hair dye. Goes behind dairy.
	Enter Lord Dundreary.
Lord Dundreary	That lovely Georgina puts me in mind of that beautiful piece of poetry. Let me see how it goes. The rose is red, the violet’s blue. Asa Trenchard tips his hat over his eyes.
Lord Dundreary	Repeats.
Asa Trenchard	Repeats business.
Lord Dundreary	Comes down, takes off hat, looking in it. There must be something alive in that hat. Goes up, and commences again. The rose is red, the violet’s blue, sugar is sweet, and so is somebody, and so is somebody else.
	Asa Trenchard puts yoke on Lord Dundreary’s shoulders gently. Lord Dundreary comes down with pails.
Lord Dundreary	I wonder what the devil that is? Lowers one, then the other, they trip him up. Oh, I see, somebody has been fishing and caught a pail. Goes hopping upstage, stumbling over against spinning wheel. Looks at yarn on stick. Why, what a little old man. Sees Asa Trenchard. Say, Mr. Exile, what the devil is this?
Asa Trenchard	That is a steam engine, and will bust in about a minute.
Lord Dundreary	Well, I haven’t a minute to spare, so I’ll not wait till it busts. Crosses to R., knocks against private box, R. H., apologizes.
Asa Trenchard	Say, whiskers, I want to ask a favor of you.
Lord Dundreary	Attempts to sneeze. Now I’ve got it.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, but say. Lord Dundreary’s sneezing business.
Asa Trenchard	Takes his hand. How are you. Squeezes it.
Lord Dundreary	There, you’ve spoiled it.
Asa Trenchard	Spoiled what?
Lord Dundreary	Spoiled what! why a magnificent sneeze.
Asa Trenchard	Oh! was that what you was trying to get through you?
Lord Dundreary	Get through me: he’s mad.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, now, the naked truth is⁠—Leans arm on Lord Dundreary’s shoulder. Business by Lord Dundreary. Oh, come now, don’t be putting on airs. Say, do you know Lieutenant Vernon?
Lord Dundreary	Slightly.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, what do you think of him, on an average?
Lord Dundreary	Think of a man on an average?
Asa Trenchard	Wal, I think he’s a real hoss, and he wants a ship.
Lord Dundreary	Well if he’s a real hoss, he must want a carriage.
Asa Trenchard	Darn me, if that ain’t good.
Lord Dundreary	That’s good.
Asa Trenchard	Yes, that is good.
Lord Dundreary	Very good.
Asa Trenchard	Very good, indeed, for you.
Lord Dundreary	Now I’ve got it. Tries to sneeze.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, now, I say. Lord Dundreary trying to sneeze.
Asa Trenchard	What, are you at that again?
	Lord Dundreary business. Asa Trenchard bites his finger. Lord Dundreary goes up, stumbles against chair and comes down again.
Lord Dundreary	I’ve got the influenza.
Asa Trenchard	Got the what?
Lord Dundreary	He says I’ve got a wart. I’ve got the influenza.
Asa Trenchard	That’s it exactly. I want your influence, sir, to get that ship.
Lord Dundreary	That’s good.
Asa Trenchard	Yes, that’s good, ain’t it.
Lord Dundreary	Very good.
Asa Trenchard	Yes, darn me, if that ain’t good.
Lord Dundreary	For you. Ha! ha! One on that Yankee.
Asa Trenchard	Well done, Britisher. Wal, now, about that ship?
Lord Dundreary	I want all my influence, sir, for my own w⁠—w⁠—welations. Stammering.
Asa Trenchard	Oh! you want it for your own w⁠—w⁠—welations. Mimicing.
Lord Dundreary	I say, sir. Asa Trenchard pretends deafness. This business is ad lib.
Asa Trenchard	Eh?
Lord Dundreary	He’s hard of hearing, and thinks he’s in a balloon. Mister.
Asa Trenchard	Eh?
Lord Dundreary	He thinks he can hear with his nose. I say⁠—
Asa Trenchard	Eh?
	Lord Dundreary turns Asa Trenchard’s nose around with his thumb. Asa Trenchard puts his two hands up to Lord Dundreary’s.
Lord Dundreary	Now he thinks he’s a musical instrument. I say⁠—
Asa Trenchard	What?
Lord Dundreary	You stutter. I’ll give you a k⁠—k⁠—k⁠—
Asa Trenchard	No you won’t give me a kick.
Lord Dundreary	I’ll give you a c⁠—c⁠—card to a doctor and he’ll c⁠—c⁠—c⁠—
Asa Trenchard	No he won’t kick me, either.
Lord Dundreary	He’s idiotic. I don’t mean that, he’ll cure you.
Asa Trenchard	Same one that cured you?
Lord Dundreary	The same.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, if you’re cured I want to stay sick. He must be a mighty smart man.
Lord Dundreary	A very clever man, he is.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, darn me, if there ain’t a physiological change taking place. Your whiskers at this moment⁠—
Lord Dundreary	My whiskers!
Asa Trenchard	Yes, about the ends they’re as black as a niggers in billing time, and near the roots they’re all speckled and streaked.
Lord Dundreary	Horror struck. My whiskers speckled and streaked?
Asa Trenchard	Showing bottle. Now, this is a wonderful invention.
Lord Dundreary	My hair dye. My dear sir.
Asa Trenchard	Squeezing his hand. How are you?
Lord Dundreary	Dear Mr. Trenchard.
	Puts arm on shoulder. Asa Trenchard repeats Lord Dundreary business, putting on eyeglass, hopping round the stage and stroking whiskers.
Lord Dundreary	He’s mad, he’s deaf, he squints, stammers and he’s a hopper.
Asa Trenchard	Now, look here, you get the Lieutenant a ship and I’ll give you the bottle. It’s a fine swap.
Lord Dundreary	What the devil is a swap?
Asa Trenchard	Well, you give me the ship, and I’ll give you the bottle to boot.
Lord Dundreary	What do I want of your boots? I haven’t got a ship about me.
Asa Trenchard	You’d better make haste or your whiskers will be changed again. They’ll be a pea green in about a minute.
Lord Dundreary	Crosses to L. Pea green! Exits hastily into house.
Asa Trenchard	I guess I’ve got a ring in his nose now. I wonder how that sick gal is getting along? Wal, darn me, if the dying swallow ain’t pitching into ham and eggs and homemade bread, wal, she’s a walking into the fodder like a farmer arter a day’s work rail splitting. I’ll just give her a start. How de do, Miss, allow me to congratulate you on the return of your appetite. Georgina scream. Guess I’ve got a ring in her pretty nose now. Looks off, R. Hello! here comes the lickers and shooters, it’s about time I took my medicine, I reckon.
	Enter, from R. 2. E, Sir Edward Trenchard, Mrs. Mountchessington, Florence Trenchard, Harry Vernon, Augusta, Capt. De Boots, John Wickens, Mr. Coyle, Sharpe, Mr. Binny, Skillet, Mr. Buddicombe, two servants in livery, carrying tray and glasses, a wine basket containing four bottles to represent champagne, knife to cut strings, some powerful acid in one bottle for Asa Trenchard⁠—pop sure.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Now to distribute the prizes, and drink to the health of the winner of the golden arrow.
Florence Trenchard	And there must stand the hero of the day. Come, kneel down.
Asa Trenchard	Must I kneel down?
Florence Trenchard	I am going to crown you Captain of the Archers of Trenchard Manor.
Asa Trenchard	Aside to Florence Trenchard. I’ve got the ship.
Florence Trenchard	No; have you?
Sir Edward Trenchard	Come, ladies and gentlemen, take from me. Takes glasses, Starts on seeing men in livery. Who are these strange faces?
Mr. Coyle	In his ear. Bailiffs, Sir Edward.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Bailiffs! Florence I am lost.
	Florence Trenchard supports her father. At the same moment Lord Dundreary enters with letter and money. Georgina appears at dairy door as Lord Dundreary comes down, L. Asa Trenchard cuts string of bottle, cork hits Lord Dundreary. General commotion as drop descends.

Act III

Scene 1

Dairy set as before in Act 2nd, Scene 2.

	Asa Trenchard discovered on bench, R. C., whittling stick. Mary busy with milk pans in dairy.
Asa Trenchard	Miss Mary, I wish you’d leave off those everlasting dairy fixings, and come and take a hand of chat along with me.
Mary	What, and leave my work? Why, when you first came here, you thought I could not be too industrious.
Asa Trenchard	Well, I think so yet, Miss Mary, but I’ve got a heap to say to you, and I never can talk while you’re moving about so spry among them pans, pails and cheeses. First you raise one hand and then the other, and well, it takes the gumption right out of me.
Mary	Brings sewing down. Well, then, I’ll sit here⁠—sits on bench with Asa Trenchard, vis-à-vis. Well now, will that do?
Asa Trenchard	Well, no, Miss Mary, that won’t do, neither; them eyes of yourn takes my breath away.
Mary	What will I do, then?
Asa Trenchard	Well, I don’t know, Miss Mary, but, darn me, if you could do anything that wasn’t so tarnal neat and handsome, that a fellow would want to keep on doing nothing else all the time.
Mary	Well, then, I’ll go away. Rises.
Asa Trenchard	Stopping her. No, don’t do that, Miss Mary, for then I’ll be left in total darkness. She sits. Somehow I feel kinder lost, if I haven’t got you to talk to. Now that I’ve got the latitude and longitude of all them big folks, found out the length of every lady’s foot, and the soft spot on everybody’s head, they can’t teach me nothing; but here, Whittling here I come to school.
Mary	Then throw away that stick, and put away your knife, like a good boy. Throws away stick upstage. I must cure you of that dreadful trick of whittling.
Asa Trenchard	Oh, if you only knew how it helps me to keep my eyes off you, Miss Mary.
Mary	But you needn’t keep your eyes off me.
Asa Trenchard	I’m afraid I must, my eyes are awful tale-tellers, and they might be saying something you wouldn’t like to hear, and that might make you mad, and then you’d shut up school, and send me home feeling about as small as a tadpole with his tail bobbed off.
Mary	Don’t be alarmed, I don’t think I will listen to any tales that your eyes may tell unless they’re tales I like and ought to hear.
Asa Trenchard	If I thought they’d tell any other, Miss Mary, I pluck them right out and throw them in the first turnip patch I came to.
Mary	And now tell me more about your home in America. Do you know I’ve listened to your stories until I’m half a backwoodsman’s wife already?
Asa Trenchard	Aside. Wouldn’t I like to make her a whole one.
Mary	Yes, I can shut my eyes and almost fancy I see your home in the backwoods. There are your two sisters running about in their sunbonnets.
Asa Trenchard	Debby and Nan? Yes!
Mary	Then I can see the smoke curling from the chimney, then men and boys working in the fields.
Asa Trenchard	Yes.
Mary	The girls milking the cows, and everybody so busy.
Asa Trenchard	Yes.
Mary	And then at night, home come your four big brothers from the hunt laden with game, tired and footsore, and covered with snow.
Asa Trenchard	That’s so.
Mary	Then how we lasses bustle about to prepare supper. The fire blazes on the hearth, while your good old mother cooks the slapjacks.
Asa Trenchard	Getting very excited. Yes.
Mary	And then after supper the lads and lasses go to a corn husking. The demijohn of old peach brandy is brought out and everything is so nice.
Asa Trenchard	I shall faint in about five minutes, Miss Mary you’re a darned sight too good for this country. You ought to make tracks.
Mary	Make what?
Asa Trenchard	Make tracks, pack up, and emigrate to the roaring old state of Vermont, and live ’long with mother. She’d make you so comfortable, and there would be sister Debby and Nab, and well, I reckon I’d be there, too.
Mary	Oh! I’m afraid if I were there your mother would find the poor English girl a sad incumbrance.
Asa Trenchard	Oh, she ain’t proud, not a mite, besides they’ve all seen Britishers afore.
Mary	I suppose you allude to my cousin, Edward Trenchard?
Asa Trenchard	Well, he wan’t the only one, there was the old Squire, Mark Trenchard.
Mary	Starting Aside. My grandfather!
Asa Trenchard	Oh! he was a fine old hoss, as game as a bison bull, and as gray as a coon in the fall; you see he was kinder mad with his folks here, so he came over to America to look after the original branch of the family, that’s our branch. We’re older than the Trenchard’s on this side of the water. Yes we’ve got the start of the heap.
Mary	Tell me, Mr. Trenchard, did he never receive any letters from his daughter?
Asa Trenchard	Oh yes, lots of them, but the old cuss never read them, though. He chucked them in the fire as soon as he made out who they come from.
Mary	Aside. My poor mother.
Asa Trenchard	You see, as nigh as we could reckon it up, she had gone and got married again his will, and that made him mad, and well, he was a queer kind of a rusty fusty old coon, and it appeared that he got older, and rustier, and fustier and coonier every fall, you see it always took him in the fall, it was too much for him. He got took down with the ague, he was so bad the doctors gave him up, and mother she went for a minister, and while she was gone the old man called me in his room, “come in, Asa Trenchard, boy,” says he, and his voice rang loud and clear as a bell, “come in,” says he. Well I comed in; “sit down,” says he; well I sot down. You see I was always a favorite with the old man. “Asa Trenchard, my boy,” says he, takin’ a great piece of paper, “when I die, this sheet of paper makes you heir to all my property in England.” Well, you can calculate I pricked up my ears about that time, bime-by the minister came, and I left the room, and I do believe he had a three day’s fight with the devil, for that old man’s soul, but he got the upper hand of satan at last, and when the minister had gone the old man called me into his room again. The old Squire was sitting up in his bed, his face as pale as the sheet that covered him, his silken hair flowing in silvery locks from under his red cap, and the tears rolling from his large blue eyes down his furrowed cheek, like two mill streams. Will you excuse my lighting a cigar? For the story is a long, awful moving, and I don’t think I could get on without a smoke. Strikes match. “Wal,” says he to me, and his voice was not as loud as it was afore⁠—it was like the whisper of the wind in a pine forest, low and awful. “Asa Trenchard, boy,” said he, “I feel that I’ve sinned in hardening my heart against my own flesh and blood, but I will not wrong the last that is left of them; give me the light,” says he. Wal I gave him the candle that stood by his bedside, and he took the sheet of paper I was telling you of, just as I might take this. Takes will from pocket. And he twisted it up as I might this, Lights will and he lights it just this way, and he watched it burn slowly and slowly away. Then, says he, “Asa Trenchard, boy that act disinherits you, but it leaves all my property to one who has a better right to it. My own daughter’s darling child, Mary Meredith,” and then he smiled, sank back upon his pillow, drew a long sigh as if he felt relieved, and that was the last of poor old Mark Trenchard.
Mary	Poor Grandfather. Buries her face and sobs.
Asa Trenchard	After business. Wal, I guess I’d better leave her alone. Sees half-burned will. There lies four hundred thousand dollars, if there’s a cent. Asa Trenchard, boy, you’re a hoss. Starts off, R. 1 C.
Mary	To me, all to me. Oh Mr. Trenchard, how we have all wronged poor grandfather. What, gone? He felt after such tidings, he felt I should be left alone⁠—who would suspect there was such delicacy under that rough husk, but I can hardly believe the startling news⁠—his heiress⁠—I, the penniless orphan of an hour ago, no longer penniless, but, alas, an orphan still, Enter Florence Trenchard with none to share my wealth, none to love me.
Florence Trenchard	Throwing arms around Mary’s neck. What treason is this, Mary, no one to love you, eh, what’s the matter? You’ve been weeping, and I met that American Savage coming from here; he has not been rude to you?
Mary	On no, he’s the gentlest of human beings, but he has just told me news that has moved me strangely.
Florence Trenchard	What is it, love?
Mary	That all grandfather’s property is mine, mine, Florence, do you understand?
Florence Trenchard	What! he has popped, has he? I thought he would.
Mary	Who do you mean?
Florence Trenchard	Who? Asa Trenchard, to be sure.
Mary	Asa Trenchard, why, what put that in your head?
Florence Trenchard	Why how can Mark Trenchard’s property be yours, unless you marry the legatee.
Mary	The legatee? Who?
Florence Trenchard	Why, you know Mark Trenchard left everything to Asa Trenchard.
Mary	No, no, you have been misinformed.
Florence Trenchard	Nonsence, he showed it to me, not an hour ago on a half sheet of rough paper just like this. Sees will. Like this. Picks it up. Why this is part of it, I believe.
Mary	That’s the paper he lighted his cigar with.
Florence Trenchard	Then he lighted his cigar with 80,000 pounds. Here is old Mark Trenchard’s signature.
Mary	Yes, I recognize the hand.
Florence Trenchard	And here are the words “Asa Trenchard, in consideration of sole heir”⁠—etc.⁠—etc.⁠—etc.
Mary	Oh Florence, what does this mean?
Florence Trenchard	It means that he is a true hero, and he loves you, you little rogue. Embraces her.
Mary	Generous man. Hides face in Florence Trenchard’s bosom.
Florence Trenchard	Oh, won’t I convict him, now. I’ll find him at once.
	Runs off, R. 3 E., Mary after her calling Florence!!! Florence!!! as scene closes.

Scene 2

Chamber as before.

	Enter Mrs. Mountchessington, and Augusta, L. 1 E.
Mrs. Mountchessington	Yes, my child, while Mr. De Boots and Mr. Trenchard are both here, you must ask yourself seriously, as to the state of your affections, remember, your happiness for life will depend upon the choice you make.
Augusta	What would you advise, mamma? You know I am always advised by you.
Mrs. Mountchessington	Dear, obedient child. De Boots has excellent expectations, but then they are only expectations after all. This American is rich, and on the whole I think a well regulated affection ought to incline to Asa Trenchard.
Augusta	Very well, mamma.
Mrs. Mountchessington	At the same time, you must be cautious, or in grasping at Asa Trenchard’s solid good qualities, you may miss them, and De Boots expectations into the bargain.
Augusta	Oh, I will take care not to give up my hold on poor De Boots ’till I am quite sure of the American.
Mrs. Mountchessington	That’s my own girl. Enter Asa Trenchard L. Ah, Mr. Trenchard, we were just talking of your archery powers.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, I guess shooting with bows and arrows is just about like most things in life, all you’ve got to do is keep the sun out of your eyes, look straight⁠—pull strong⁠—calculate the distance, and you’re sure to hit the mark in most things as well as shooting.
Augusta	But not in England, Mr. Trenchard. There are disinterested hearts that only ask an opportunity of showing how they despise that gold, which others set such store by.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, I suppose there are, Miss Gusty.
Augusta	All I crave is affection.
Asa Trenchard	Crosses to C. Do you, now? I wish I could make sure of that, for I’ve been cruelly disappointed in that particular.
Mrs. Mountchessington	Yes, but we are old friends, Mr. Trenchard, and you needn’t be afraid of us.
Asa Trenchard	Oh, I ain’t afraid of you⁠—both on you together.
Mrs. Mountchessington	People sometimes look a great way off, for that which is near at hand. Glancing at Augusta and Asa Trenchard alternatively.
Asa Trenchard	You don’t mean, Miss Gusta. Augusta casts sheeps eyes at him. Now, don’t look at me in that way. I can’t stand it, if you do, I’ll bust.
Mrs. Mountchessington	Oh, if you only knew how refreshing this ingenuousness of yours is to an old woman of the world like me.
Asa Trenchard	Be you an old woman of the world?
Mrs. Mountchessington	Yes, sir.
Augusta	Oh yes.
Asa Trenchard	Well I don’t doubt it in the least. Aside. This gal and the old woman are trying to get me on a string. Aloud. Wal, then, if a rough spun fellow like me was to come forward as a suitor for you daughter’s hand, you wouldn’t treat me as some folks do, when they find out I wasn’t heir to the fortune.
Mrs. Mountchessington	Not heir to the fortune, Mr. Trenchard?
Asa Trenchard	Oh, no.
Augusta	What, no fortune?
Asa Trenchard	Nary red, it all comes to their barkin up the wrong tree about the old man’s property.
Mrs. Mountchessington	Which he left to you.
Asa Trenchard	Oh, no.
Augusta	Not to you?
Asa Trenchard	No, which he meant to leave to me, but he thought better on it, and left it to his granddaughter Miss Mary Meredith.
Mrs. Mountchessington	Miss Mary Meredith! Oh, I’m delighted.
Augusta	Delighted?
Asa Trenchard	Yes, you both look tickled to death. Now, some gals, and mothers would go away from a fellow when they found that out, but you don’t valley fortune, Miss Gusty?
Mrs. Mountchessington	Aside, crosses to Augusta. My love, you had better go.
Asa Trenchard	You crave affection, you do. Now I’ve no fortune, but I’m filling over with affections which I’m ready to pour out all over you like apple sass, over roast pork.
Mrs. Mountchessington	Mr. Trenchard, you will please recollect you are addressing my daughter, and in my presence.
Asa Trenchard	Yes, I’m offering her my heart and hand just as she wants them with nothing in ’em.
Mrs. Mountchessington	Augusta, dear, to your room.
Augusta	Yes, ma, the nasty beast. Exit R.
Mrs. Mountchessington	I am aware, Mr. Trenchard, you are not used to the manners of good society, and that, alone, will excuse the impertinence of which you have been guilty.
Asa Trenchard	Don’t know the manners of good society, eh? Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal⁠—you sockdologizing old mantrap. Wal, now, when I think what I’ve thrown away in hard cash today I’m apt to call myself some awful hard names, 400,000 dollars is a big pile for a man to light his cigar with. If that gal had only given me herself in exchange, it wouldn’t have been a bad bargain. But I dare no more ask that gal to be my wife, than I dare ask Queen Victoria to dance a Cape Cod reel.
	Enter Florence Trenchard, L. 1 E.
Florence Trenchard	What do you mean by doing all these dreadful things?
Asa Trenchard	Which things.
Florence Trenchard	Come here sir. He does so.
Asa Trenchard	What’s the matter?
Florence Trenchard	Do you know this piece of paper? Showing burnt paper.
Asa Trenchard	Well I think I have seen it before. Aside. Its old Mark Trenchard’s will that I left half burned up like a landhead, that I am.
Florence Trenchard	And you’re determined to give up this fortune to Mary Meredith?
Asa Trenchard	Well, I couldn’t help it if I tried.
Florence Trenchard	Oh, don’t say that.
Asa Trenchard	I didn’t mean to do it when I first came here⁠—hadn’t the least idea in the world of it, but when I saw that everlasting angel of a gal movin around among them doing fixins like a sunbeam in a shady place; and when I pictured her without a dollar in the world⁠—I⁠—well my old Adam riz right up, and I said, “Asa Trenchard do it”⁠—and I did it.
Florence Trenchard	Well, I don’t know who your old Adam may be, but whoever it is, he’s a very honest man to consult you to do so good an action. But how dare you do such an outrageous thing? you impudent⁠—you unceremonious, oh! you unselfish man! you! you, you! Smothers him with kisses, and runs off, R. 1 E.
Asa Trenchard	Well, if that ain’t worth four hundred thousand dollars, I don’t know what is, it was sweeter than sweet cider right out of the bung hole. Let me see how things stand round here. Thanks to old whiskers I’ve got that ship for the sailor man, and that makes him and Miss Florence all hunk. Then there’s that darned old Mr. Coyle. Well I guess me and old Murcott can fix his flint for him. Then there’s⁠—Looks off, L. Christopher Columbus, here comes Mary.
	Enter Mary, L. 1 E.
Mary	Mr. Trenchard, what can I say to you but offer you my lifelong gratitude.
Asa Trenchard	Don’t now, Miss, don’t⁠—
Mary	If I knew what else to offer. Heaven knows there is nothing that is mine to give that I would keep back.
Asa Trenchard	Give me yourself. Business. I know what a rude, ill-mannered block I am; but there’s a heart inside me worth something, if it’s only for the sake of your dear little image, that’s planted right plump in the middle of it.
Mary	Asa Trenchard, there is my hand, and my heart is in it.
Asa Trenchard	Seizes here hand, then drops it suddenly. Miss Mary, I made what folks call a big sacrifice for you, this morning. Oh! I know it, I ain’t so modest, but that I know it. Now what’s this you’re doing? Is this sacrifice you are making out of gratitude for me? Cause if it is, I wouldn’t have it, though not to have it would nigh break my heart, tough as it is.
Mary	No, no, I give myself freely to you⁠—as freely as you, this morning, gave my grandfather’s property to me.
Asa Trenchard	Say it again, last of hope and blessed promise. Clasps her in his arms. Mary, there’s something tells me that you’ll not repent it. I’m rough, Mary, awful rough, but you needn’t fear that I’ll ever be rough to you. I’ve camped out in the woods, Mary, often and often, and seen the bears at play with their cubs in the moonlight, the glistening teeth, that would tear the hunter, was harmless to them; the big strong claws that would peel a man’s head, as a knife would a pumpkin, was as soft for them as velvet cushions, and that’s what I’ll be with you, my own little wife; and if ever harm does come to you, it must come over the dead body of Asa Trenchard.
Mary	I know it Asa Trenchard; and if I do not prove a true and loving wife to you; may my mother’s bright spirit never look down to bless her child.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, if I don’t get out in the air, I’ll bust. Exit hastily R. 1 E. pulling Mary after him.
	Enter Mr. Binny, L. 1 E. Drunk.
Mr. Binny	Calling. Mr. H’Asa Trenchard, Mr. H’Asa Trenchard! Oh he’s gone; well, I suppose he’ll come back to keep his happointment. Mr. Coyle’s quite impatient. It isn’t hoften that han hamerican has the run of the wine cellars of Trenchard Manor, and in such company, too. There’s me and Mr. Coyle, which is a good judge of old port wine, and he knows it when he drinks; and his clerk, Mr. Murcott, which I don’t hexactly like sitting down with clerks. But Mr. H’Asa Trenchard wished it and Mr. Coyle hadn’t any objections, so in course I put my feelings in my pocket, besides, Murcott is a man of hedication, though unfortunately taken to drink. Well, what of that, it’s been many a man’s misfortune, though I say it, what shouldn’t say it, being a butler. But now to join my distinguished party. Exit, R. 1 E.

Scene 3

Wine cellar in 3.

	Mr. Coyle, Abel Murcott and Mr. Binny discovered. Table L., with two cups and bottles. Mr. Coyle L. of table, seated. Mr. Binny back of table. Abel Murcott sitting on barrel, R. Door in flat with staircase discovered, dark. Stage half dark. Candles on table, lighted.
Mr. Coyle	A capital glass of wine, Mr. Binny, and a capital place to drink it.
Asa Trenchard	Without. Bring a light here, can’t you. I’ve broken my natural allowance of shins already.
	Enters D. in F., down stairs.
Asa Trenchard	To Abel Murcott. Is he tight yet?
Abel Murcott	Histered, but not quite gone yet.
Mr. Coyle	Oh, Mr. Trenchard, glad to see you, to welcome you to the vaults of your ancestors.
Asa Trenchard	Oh! these are the vaults of my ancestors, are they? Wal, you seem to be punishing their spirits pretty well.
Mr. Binny	Wines, Mr. Asa Trenchard? The spirits are in the houter cellar.
Mr. Coyle	Oh, Mr. Asa Trenchard, there is no place like a wine cellar for a hearty bout. Here you might bawl yourself hoarse beneath these ribs of stone, and nobody hear you. He shouts and sings very loud.
Asa Trenchard	Oh, wouldn’t they hear you? Aside. That’s worth knowing.
Mr. Binny	Very drunk⁠—rising. That’s right, Mr. Coyle, make as much noise as you like, you are in the cellars of Trenchard Manor, Mr. Coyle. Mr. Coyle, bless you, Mr. Coyle. Mr. Coyle, why his hit Mr. Coyle, I am sitting at the present time, in this present distinguished company? I will tell you, Mr. Coyle, hit his because Hi always hacts and conducts myself has becomes a gentleman, hand Hi knows what’s due to manners. Falls in chair.
Asa Trenchard	Steady, old hoss, steady.
Mr. Binny	Hi’m steady. Hi always was steady. Staggers across to L. H. Hi’m going to fetch clean glasses. Exit, L. 3 R.
Asa Trenchard	Now, Mr. Coyle, suppose you give us a song.
Mr. Coyle	Very drunk. I can’t sing, Mr. Trenchard, but I sometimes join in the chorus.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, give us a chorus.
Mr. Coyle	Will you assist in the vocalization thereof?
Asa Trenchard	Mimicing. Will do the best of my endeavors thereunto.
Mr. Coyle	Sings. “We won’t go home till morning.” Repeat. Repeat. Falls off chair, senseless.
Asa Trenchard	Finishing the strain. “I don’t think you’ll go home at all.” Now, then, quick, Murcott, before the butler comes back, get his keys. Abel Murcott gets keys from Mr. Coyle’s pocket and throws them to Asa Trenchard. Is this all?
Abel Murcott	No; the key of his private bureau is on his watch chain, and I can’t get it off.
Asa Trenchard	Take watch and all.
Abel Murcott	No; he will accuse us of robbing him.
Asa Trenchard	Never mind, I’ll take the responsibility. Mr. Coyle moves.
Abel Murcott	He is getting up.
Asa Trenchard	Well, darn me, knock him down again.
Abel Murcott	I can’t.
Asa Trenchard	Can’t you? Well, I can.
	Pulls Abel Murcott away. Knocks Mr. Coyle down; is going towards D. in F., meets Mr. Binny with tray and glasses; kicks it, knocks Mr. Binny down and exits up staircase, followed by Abel Murcott, carrying candle. Dark state. Mr. Binny rises; Mr. Coyle ditto. Blindly encounter each other and pummel soundly till change.
	Quick Change

Scene 4

Chamber in 1, same as Scene 2.

	Enter Lord Dundreary and Harry Vernon, L. 1 E. Lord Dundreary stops, C., and is seized with an inclination to sneeze. Motions with his hand to Harry Vernon.
Harry Vernon	My lord! Business Lord Dundreary sneezing. Your lordship! Lord Dundreary same business. Louder. My lord!
Lord Dundreary	There you go; now you’ve spoiled it.
Harry Vernon	Spoiled what, my lord?
Lord Dundreary	Spoiled what? why a most magnificent sneeze.
Harry Vernon	I’m very sorry to interrupt your lordship’s sneeze, but I merely wanted to express my gratitude to you for getting me a ship.
Lord Dundreary	Sir, I don’t want your gratitude, I only want to sneeze.
Harry Vernon	Very well, my lord, then I will leave you, and this gives you an opportunity for sneezing. Crosses to R. But in return for what you have done for me, should you ever want a service a sailor can offer you, just hail Harry Vernon, and you’ll find he’ll weigh anchor and be alongside. Hitches up breeches and exits, R. 1 E.
Lord Dundreary	Find him alongside? What does he mean by a long side? and he always wants to weigh anchor. What funny fellows the sailors are. Why the devil won’t they keep a memorandum of the weight of their anchor? What’s the matter with the sailor’s side? Imitates Harry Vernon. Oh I see, he’s got the stomachache. Exit, R. 1 E.

Scene 5

Library in Trenchard Manor in 3 or 4.

	Enter Mr. Buddicombe, R. 1 E., following Lord Dundreary.
Mr. Buddicombe	A letter, my lord.
Lord Dundreary	Takes letter. You may go. Exit Mr. Buddicombe, R. 1 E. Opens letter. “My dear Frederick.” He calls me Frederick because my name is Robert. “I wrote you on my arrival.” Why, I never heard from him. “But I am afraid you didn’t get the letter, because I put no name on the envelope.” That’s the reason why I didn’t get it, but who did get it? It must have been some fellow without any name. “My dear brother, the other day a rap came to my door, and some fellows came in and proposed a quiet game of porker.” A quiet game of porker, why, they wanted to kill him with a poker. “I consented and got stuck⁠—” Sam’s dead, I’ve got a dead lunatic for a brother⁠—“for the drinks.” He got on the other side of the paper, why couldn’t he get stuck all on one side. “P.S.⁠—If you don’t get this letter let me know, for I shall feel anxious.” He’s a mad lunatic. Exit, R. 1 E.
	Change Scene

Scene 6

Mr. Coyle’s Office in 2. High desk and stool, R. Modern box center against flat. Cabinet, L.

	Asa Trenchard discovered looking over papers on box. Abel Murcott looking in desk.
Asa Trenchard	Have you found it?
Abel Murcott	No, Mr. Trenchard. I’ve searched all the drawers but can find no trace of it.
Asa Trenchard	What’s this?
Abel Murcott	That’s a cabinet where his father kept old deeds, the key he always carries about him.
Asa Trenchard	Oh, he does, does he? Well I reckon I saw a key as I came in that will open it. Exit, R. 1 E.
Abel Murcott	Key, oh, my poor muddled brain, what can he mean!
Asa Trenchard	Re-enters with axe. Here’s a key that will open any lock that Hobb ever invented.
Abel Murcott	Key? what key?
Asa Trenchard	What key, why, Yankee. Shows axe, begins to break open Cabinet.
	Enter Mr. Coyle, R. 2 E.
Mr. Coyle	Villains! would you rob me?
Abel Murcott	Stand off, Mr. Coyle, we are desperate. Now seizes him.
Asa Trenchard	Here it is a sure as there are snakes in Virginia. Let the old cuss go, Murcott.
Mr. Coyle	Burglars! oh, you shall dearly pay for this.
Asa Trenchard	Yes, I’ll pay⁠—but I guess you’ll find the change.
Mr. Coyle	The law⁠—the law shall aid me.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, perhaps it would be as well not to call in the law just yet. It might look a little further than might be convenient.
Abel Murcott	It’s no use to blunder, Mr. Coyle, you are harmless to us now, for we have that, that will crush you.
Mr. Coyle	Well, what are your conditions? money, how much?
Asa Trenchard	Wal, we warn’t thinking of coming down on your dollars. But you have an appointment with Sir Edward at two, haven’t you?
Mr. Coyle	Well?
Asa Trenchard	Well, I want you to keep that appointment.
Mr. Coyle	Keep it?
Asa Trenchard	Yes, and that’s all I do want you to keep of his, and instead of saying you have come to foreclose the mortgage, I want you to say, you have found the release which proves the mortgage to have been paid off.
Mr. Coyle	I accept. Is that all?
Asa Trenchard	Not quite. Then I want you to pay off the execution debts.
Mr. Coyle	What, I pay Sir Edward’s debts?
Asa Trenchard	Yes, with Sir Edward’s money that stuck to your fingers naturally while passing through your hands.
Mr. Coyle	To Abel Murcott. Traitor!
Abel Murcott	He knows all, Mr. Coyle.
Mr. Coyle	Is there anything more!
Asa Trenchard	Yes, I want you to apologize to Miss Florence Trenchard, for having the darned impudence to propose for her hand.
Mr. Coyle	What more?
Asa Trenchard	Then you resign your stewardship in favor of your clerk, Abel Murcott.
Mr. Coyle	What, that drunkard vagabond?
Asa Trenchard	Well, he was, but he’s going to take the pledge at the first pump he comes to.
Abel Murcott	Yes, I will conquer the demon drink, or die in the struggle with him.
Mr. Coyle	Well, anything more?
Asa Trenchard	Yes, I think the next thing will be to get washed. You’re not a handsome man at best, and now you’re awful. Mr. Coyle makes a dash at Abel Murcott. Asa Trenchard catches him and turns him round to R. Mr. Coyle, in your present state of mind, you had better go first.
Mr. Coyle	Bitterly. Oh, sir, it is your turn now.
Asa Trenchard	Yes, it is my turn, but you can have the first wash. Come along Murcott. Exeunt, R. 1 E.
	Change Scene

Scene 7

Library in Trenchard Manor in 3 or 4.

	Sir Edward Trenchard discovered seated R. of table.
Sir Edward Trenchard	The clock is on the stroke of two, and Mr. Coyle is waiting my decision. In giving her to him, I know I shall be embittering her life to save my fortune, but appearances⁠—no, no, I will not sacrifice her young life so full of promise, for a few short years of questionable state for myself, better leave her to the mercy of chance. Enter Florence Trenchard, R. U. E. that sell her to this scoundrel; and to myself, I will not survive the downfall of my house, but end it thus. Raises pistol to his head. Florence Trenchard seizes his arm and screams.
Florence Trenchard	Father, dear father, what despair is this? Sir Edward Trenchard buries his face in his hands. If it is fear of poverty, do not think of me, I will marry this man if I drop dead in my bridal robes.
	Enter Mr. Binny, R. 1 E.
Mr. Binny	Mr. Coyle, sir who has come by happointment.
Sir Edward Trenchard	I will not see him.
Florence Trenchard	Yes, yes, show him up, Mr. Binny. Exit Mr. Binny, R. 1 E.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Florence, I will not consent to this sacrifice.
	Enter Asa Trenchard, Mr. Coyle and Abel Murcott, R. 1 E.
Sir Edward Trenchard	How is this Mr. Coyle, you are not alone?
Asa Trenchard	No, you see, squire, Mr. Coyle wishes me and his clerk to witness the cutting off the seals from the mortgage, which he has been lucky enough to find the release of.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Heavens, is it so?
Mr. Coyle	Yes, Sir Edward, there is the release executed by my father, which had become detached.
Asa Trenchard	To him. Accidentally.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Saved, saved at last from want!
Mr. Coyle	Meanwhile I have paid the execution debts out of a fine which has just fallen in.
Asa Trenchard	Accidentally. It’s astonishing how things have fallen in and out today.
Sir Edward Trenchard	But your demand here? Points to Florence Trenchard.
Mr. Coyle	I make none, Sir Edward. I regret that I should have conceived so mad a thought; it is enough to unfit me for longer holding position as your agent, which I beg humbly to resign⁠—
Asa Trenchard	Aside to him. Recommending as your successor⁠—
Mr. Coyle	Recommending as my successor Abel Murcott, whose knowledge of your affairs, gained in my office, will render him as useful as I have been.
Asa Trenchard	Yes, just about.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Your request is granted, Mr. Coyle.
Asa Trenchard	And now, my dear Mr. Coyle, you may a-b-s-q-u-a-t-u-l-a-t-e.
Mr. Coyle	I go, Sir Edward, with equal good wishes for all assembled here. Darts a look at Abel Murcott and exits, R. 1 E.
Asa Trenchard	That’s a good man, Sir Edward.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Yes.
Asa Trenchard	Oh, he’s a very good man.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Yes, he is a good man.
Asa Trenchard	But he can’t keep a hotel.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Mr. Murcott, your offence was heavy.
Florence Trenchard	And so has been his reparation. Forgive him, papa. Mr. Murcott, you saved me; may Heaven bless you.
Abel Murcott	Yes, I saved her, thank Heaven. I had strength enough for that. Exits L. 1 E.
Florence Trenchard	You’ll keep your promise and make Mr. Murcott your clerk, papa?
Sir Edward Trenchard	Yes, I can refuse nothing; I am so happy; I am so happy, I can refuse none anything today.
Asa Trenchard	Can’t you, Sir Edward! Now, that’s awful lucky, for there’s two gals want your consent mighty bad.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Indeed; for what?
Asa Trenchard	To get hitched.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Hitched?
Asa Trenchard	Yes to get spliced.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Spliced?
Asa Trenchard	Yes, to get married.
Sir Edward Trenchard	They have it by anticipation. Who are they?
Asa Trenchard	There’s one on ’em. Points to Florence Trenchard.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Florence! and the other?
Asa Trenchard	She’s right outside. Exit, hastily, R. 1 E.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Well, and who is the happy man, Lord Dundreary⁠—
Florence Trenchard	Lord Dundreary! No, papa⁠—but Harry Vernon. He’s not poor now, though he’s got a ship.
	Re-enter Asa Trenchard, with Mary.
Asa Trenchard	Here’s the other one, Sir Edward.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Mary? Who is the object of your choice?
Mary	Rough-spun, honest-hearted Asa Trenchard.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Ah! Mr. Trenchard you win a heart of gold.
Florence Trenchard	And so does Mary, papa, believe me. Crosses to Asa Trenchard. Mary and Sir Edward Trenchard go up.
Florence Trenchard	What’s the matter?
Asa Trenchard	You make me blush.
Florence Trenchard	I don’t see you blushing.
Asa Trenchard	I’m blushing all the way down my back.
Florence Trenchard	Oh, you go long. Goes upstage.
Asa Trenchard	Hello! here’s all the folks coming two by two, as if they were pairing for Noah’s ark. Here’s Mrs. Mountchestnut and the Sailor man. Enter as Asa Trenchard calls them off. Here’s De Boots and his gal, and darn me, if here ain’t old setidy fetch it, and the sick gal, how are you buttons? Lord Dundreary knocks against Asa Trenchard, who is in C. of stage.
Lord Dundreary	There’s that damned rhinocerous again. Crosses to L. with Georgina, and seats her.
Asa Trenchard	Here comes turkey cock, number two, and his gal, and darn me, if here ain’t Puffy and his gal.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Mr. Vernon, take her, she’s yours, though Heaven knows what I shall do without her.
Mrs. Mountchessington	Rising. Ah, Sir Edward, that is just my case; but you’ll never know what it is to be a mother. Comes down, L. C. Georgina, Augusta, my dears, come here. They come down each side of her. You’ll sometimes think of your poor mamma, bless you. Aside to them. Oh, you couple of fools.
	Bumps their foreheads. Lord Dundreary has business with Georgina, then leads her to a seat, L.
Capt. De Boots	To Lord Dundreary. Why, Fred, we’re all getting married!
Lord Dundreary	Yes, it’s catching, like the cholera.
Mr. Binny	I ’ope, Sir Edward, there’s no objections to my leading Miss Sharpe to the hymenial halter.
Sir Edward Trenchard	Certainly not, Mr. Binny.
Mr. Buddicombe	To Lord Dundreary. And Skillet and I have made so bold, My lord⁠—
Lord Dundreary	Yes, you generally do make bold⁠—but bless you, my children⁠—bless you.
Asa Trenchard	Say, you, lord, buttons, I say, whiskers.
Lord Dundreary	Illustrious exile? Comes down.
Asa Trenchard	They’re a nice color, ain’t they?
Lord Dundreary	Yes, they’re all wight now.
Asa Trenchard	All wight? no, they’re all black.
Lord Dundreary	When I say wight I mean black.
Asa Trenchard	Say, shall I tell that sick gal about that hair dye?
Lord Dundreary	No, you needn’t tell that sick gal about that hair dye!
Asa Trenchard	Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to.
Lord Dundreary	Aside. That man is a damned rattlesnake.
	Goes up, sits in Georgina’s lap⁠—turns to apologize, sits in Augusta’s lap⁠—same business with Mrs. Mountchessington, then goes back to Georgina.
Asa Trenchard	Miss Georgina. She comes down. How’s your appetite? Shall I tell that lord about the beefsteak and onions I saw you pitching into?
Georgina	Please don’t, Mr. Trenchard, I’m so delicate.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to.
Georgina	Oh, thank you.
	Backs upstage and sits in Lord Dundreary’s lap, who has taken her seat.
Asa Trenchard	Miss Gusty. Augusta comes down. Got your boots, hain’t you?
Augusta	Yes, Mr. Trenchard.
Asa Trenchard	How do they fit you? Say, shall I tell that fellow you were after me first?
Augusta	Extravagantly. Not for the world, Mr. Trenchard.
Asa Trenchard	Mimicing. Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to.
Asa Trenchard	To Mrs. Mountchessington. Mrs. Mountchestnut.
Lord Dundreary	Coming down. Sir, I haven’t a chestnut to offer you, but if you’d like some of your native food, I’ll order you a doughnut?
Asa Trenchard	I dough not see it.
Lord Dundreary	Laughs. That’s good.
Asa Trenchard	Yes, very good.
Lord Dundreary	For you.
Asa Trenchard	Oh, you get out, I mean the old lady.
Lord Dundreary	Mrs. Mountchessington, this illustrious exile wishes to see you. Mrs. Mountchessington comes down.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, old woman?
Mrs. Mountchessington	Old woman, sir?
Asa Trenchard	Got two of them gals off your hands, haven’t you?
Mrs. Mountchessington	I’m proud to say, I have.
Asa Trenchard	Shall I tell them fellows you tried to stick them on me first?
Mrs. Mountchessington	You’ll please not mention the subject.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to. Backs up;⁠—curtseying;⁠—knocks back against Lord Dundreary, who is stooping to pick up a handkerchief. They turn and bunk foreheads. Say, Mr. Puffy. Mr. Binny comes down. Shall I tell Sir Edward about your getting drunk in the wine cellar?
Mr. Binny	You need not⁠—not if you don’t like unto.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to.
Mr. Binny	Remember the hold hadage. “A still tongue shows a wise ’ead.”
Asa Trenchard	X Q’s me.
Mr. Binny	O, I, C. Goes up.
Florence Trenchard	Comes down, L. Well cousin, what have you to say to us? Mary comes down R. of Asa Trenchard.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, I ain’t got no ring, to put in your noses, but I’s got one to put on your finger. To Mary. And I guess the sailor man has one to put on yours, and I guess you two are as happy as clams at high water.
Florence Trenchard	I am sure you must be very happy.
Asa Trenchard	Wal, I am not so sure about my happiness.
Florence Trenchard	Why, you ungrateful fellow. What do want to complete it?
Asa Trenchard	To Audience. My happiness depends on you.
Florence Trenchard	And I am sure you will not regret your kindness shown to Our American Cousin. But don’t go yet, pray⁠—for Lord Dundreary has a word to say. Calls Lord Dundreary.
Lord Dundreary	Sneezes. That’s the idea.

Curtain

Colophon

Our American Cousin
was published in 1869 by
Tom Taylor.