THE MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

Dramatis Personae

Sir John Falstaff
Fenton, a young gentleman
Shallow, a country justice
Slender, cousin to Shallow
Ford, a Gentleman dwelling at Windsor
Page, a Gentleman dwelling at Windsor
William Page, a boy, son to Page
Sir Hugh Evans, a Welsh parson
Doctor Caius, a French physician
Host of the Garter Inn
Bardolph, Pistol, Nym; followers of Falstaff
Robin, page to Falstaff
Simple, servant to Slender
Rugby, servant to Doctor Caius
Mistress Ford
Mistress Page
Anne Page, her daughter, in love with Fenton
Mistress Quickly, servant to Doctor Caius
Servants to Page, Ford, etc.

Scene: Windsor and the neighbourhood

The Merry Wives of Windsor

Act I

Scene I

Windsor. Before Page’s house.

	Enter Justice Shallow, Slender, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Justice Shallow	Hotly. Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star Chamber matter of it; if he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.
Slender	Nodding. In the county of Gloucester, Justice of Peace, and “coram.”
Justice Shallow	Ay, cousin Slender, and “cust-alorum.”
Slender	Ay, and “rato-lorum” too; and a gentleman born, Master Parson, who writes himself “armigero” in any bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation⁠—“armigero.”
Justice Shallow	Ay, that I do; and have done any time these three hundred years.
Slender	All his successors, gone before him, hath done’t; and all his ancestors, that come after him, may: they may give the dozen white luces in their coat.
Justice Shallow	Proudly. It is an old coat.
Sir Hugh Evans	The dozen white louses do become an old coat well; it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to man, and signifies love.
Justice Shallow	Coldly. The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old coat.
Slender	I may quarter, coz?
Justice Shallow	You may, by marrying.
Sir Hugh Evans	It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.
Justice Shallow	Not a whit.
Sir Hugh Evans	Yes, py’r lady! If he has a quarter of your coat, there is but three skirts for yourself, in my simple conjectures; but that is all one. If Sir John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you, I am of the church, and will be glad to do my benevolence to make atonements and compromises between you.
Justice Shallow	The Council shall hear it; it is a riot.
Sir Hugh Evans	It is not meet the Council hear a riot; there is no fear of Got in a riot; the Council, look you, shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a riot; take your vizaments in that.
Justice Shallow	Ha! o’ my life, if I were young again, the sword should end it.
Sir Hugh Evans	It is petter that friends is the sword and end it; and there is also another device in my prain, which peradventure prings goot discretions with it. There is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master George Page, which is pretty virginity.
Slender	Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaks small like a woman.
Sir Hugh Evans	It is that fery person for all the ’orld, as just as you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and gold, and silver, is her grandsire upon his death’s-bed⁠—Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!⁠—give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years old. It were a goot motion if we leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.
Justice Shallow	Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?
Sir Hugh Evans	Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.
Justice Shallow	I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts.
Sir Hugh Evans	Seven hundred pounds, and possibilities, is goot gifts.
Justice Shallow	Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there?
Sir Hugh Evans	Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do despise one that is false; or as I despise one that is not true. The knight Sir John is there; and, I beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the door for Master Page. Knocks. What, hoa! Got pless your house here!
Page	Within. Who’s there?
Sir Hugh Evans	Here is Got’s plessing, and your friend, and Justice Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that peradventures shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your likings.
	Enter Page.
Page	I am glad to see your worships well. I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow.
Justice Shallow	Master Page, I am glad to see you; much good do it your good heart! I wished your venison better; it was ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page?⁠—and I thank you always with my heart, la! with my heart.
Page	Sir, I thank you.
Justice Shallow	Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.
Page	I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.
Slender	How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say he was outrun on Cotsall.
Page	It could not be judged, sir.
Slender	You’ll not confess, you’ll not confess.
Justice Shallow	That he will not: ’tis your fault; ’tis your fault. ’Tis a good dog.
Page	A cur, sir.
Justice Shallow	Sir, he’s a good dog, and a fair dog; can there be more said? he is good, and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here?
Page	Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office between you.
Sir Hugh Evans	It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.
Justice Shallow	He hath wronged me, Master Page.
Page	Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.
Justice Shallow	If it be confessed, it is not redressed: is not that so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed he hath;⁠—at a word, he hath⁠—believe me; Robert Shallow, esquire, saith he is wronged.
Page	Here comes Sir John.
	Enter Sir John Falstaff, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol.
Falstaff	Now, Master Shallow, you’ll complain of me to the King?
Justice Shallow	Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and broke open my lodge.
Falstaff	But not kiss’d your keeper’s daughter?
Justice Shallow	Tut, a pin! this shall be answered.
Falstaff	I will answer it straight: I have done all this. That is now answered.
Justice Shallow	The Council shall know this.
Falstaff	’Twere better for you if it were known in counsel: you’ll be laughed at.
Sir Hugh Evans	Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts.
Falstaff	Good worts! good cabbage! Slender, I broke your head; what matter have you against me?
Slender	Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you; and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol. They carried me to the tavern, and made me drunk, and afterwards picked my pocket.
Bardolph	You Banbury cheese! He draws his sword.
Slender	Ay, it is no matter.
Pistol	How now, Mephostophilus! He also draws.
Slender	Faintly. Ay, it is no matter.
Nym	Pricks him with his sword. Slice, I say! pauca, pauca; slice! That’s my humour.
Slender	Desperate. Where’s Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?
Sir Hugh Evans	Comes between them. Peace, I pray you. The three withdraw. Now let us understand. Takes out notebook. There is three umpires in this matter, as I understand: writes that is⁠—Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is, lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter.
Page	We three to hear it and end it between them.
Sir Hugh Evans	Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my notebook; and we will afterwards ’ork upon the cause with as great discreetly as we can. He writes again.
Falstaff	Pistol!
Pistol	He hears with ears.
Sir Hugh Evans	Looks up. The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, “He hears with ear”? Why, it is affectations.
Falstaff	Pistol, did you pick Master Slender’s purse?
Slender	Ay, by these gloves, did he⁠—or I would I might never come in mine own great chamber again else!⁠—of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards that cost me two shilling and two pence apiece of Yead Miller, by these gloves.
Falstaff	Is this true, Pistol?
Sir Hugh Evans	No, it is false, if it is a pick-purse.
Pistol	Ha, thou mountain-foreigner!⁠—Sir John and master mine, I combat challenge of this latten bilbo. Word of denial in thy labras here! Word of denial! Froth and scum, thou liest.
Slender	By these gloves, then, ’twas he. Pointing at Nym.
Nym	Be avised, sir, and pass good humours; I will say “marry trap” with you, if you run the nuthook’s humour on me; that is the very note of it.
Slender	By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for though I cannot remember what I did when you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.
Falstaff	What say you, Scarlet and John?
Bardolph	Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five sentences.
Sir Hugh Evans	It is his “five senses”; fie, what the ignorance is!
Bardolph	And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashier’d; and so conclusions passed the careires.
Slender	Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but ’tis no matter; I’ll ne’er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick; if I be drunk, I’ll be drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.
Sir Hugh Evans	So Got ’udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
Falstaff	You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it.
	Enter Anne Page* with wine; Mistress Ford and Mistress Page following.*
Page	Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we’ll drink within.
	Exit Anne Page.
Slender	O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.
Page	How now, Mistress Ford!
Falstaff	Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met; by your leave, good mistress. Kissing her.
Page	Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a hot venison pasty to dinner; come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.
	Exeunt all but Justice Shallow, Slender, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Slender	I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of Songs and Sonnets here.
	Enter Simple.
	How, Simple! Where have you been? I must wait on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles about you, have you?
Simple	Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight afore Michaelmas?
Justice Shallow	Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. Taking him by the arm. A word with you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as ’twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here: do you understand me?
Slender	Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, I shall do that that is reason.
Justice Shallow	Nay, but understand me.
Slender	So I do, sir.
Sir Hugh Evans	At his other side. Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.
Slender	Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says; I pray you pardon me; he’s a justice of peace in his country, simple though I stand here.
Sir Hugh Evans	But that is not the question; the question is concerning your marriage.
Justice Shallow	Ay, there’s the point, sir.
Sir Hugh Evans	Marry is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page.
Slender	Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any reasonable demands.
Sir Hugh Evans	But can you affection the ’oman? Let us command to know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth: therefore, precisely, can you carry your good will to the maid?
Justice Shallow	Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?
Slender	I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that would do reason.
Sir Hugh Evans	Nay, Got’s lords and his ladies! you must speak possitable, if you can carry her your desires towards her.
Justice Shallow	That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?
Slender	I will do a greater thing than that upon your request, cousin, in any reason.
Justice Shallow	Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz; what I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?
Slender	I will marry her, sir, at your request; but if there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are married and have more occasion to know one another; I hope upon familiarity will grow more contempt. But if you say “Marry her,” I will marry her; that I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.
Sir Hugh Evans	It is a fery discretion answer; save, the fall is in the ’ort “dissolutely:” the ’ort is, according to our meaning, “resolutely.” His meaning is good.
Justice Shallow	Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
Slender	Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!
Justice Shallow	Here comes fair Mistress Anne.
	Re-enter Anne Page.
	He bows. Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne!
Anne Page	Curtsies. The dinner is on the table; my father desires your worships’ company.
Justice Shallow	I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne!
Sir Hugh Evans	Hurries in. Od’s plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.
	Exeunt Justice Shallow* and Sir Hugh Evans.*
Anne Page	To Slender. Will’t please your worship to come in, sir?
Slender	Simpering. No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well.
Anne Page	The dinner attends you, sir.
Slender	I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. To Simple. Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin Shallow.
	Exit Simple.
	A justice of peace sometime may be beholding to his friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy yet, till my mother be dead. But what though? Yet I live like a poor gentleman born.
Anne Page	I may not go in without your worship: they will not sit till you come.
Slender	I’ faith, I’ll eat nothing; I thank you as much as though I did.
Anne Page	Impatient. I pray you, sir, walk in.
Slender	I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my shin th’ other day with playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a dish of stewed prunes⁠—and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? Be there bears i’ the town?
Anne Page	I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.
Slender	I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel at it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see the bear loose, are you not?
Anne Page	Ay, indeed, sir.
Slender	That’s meat and drink to me now. I have seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by the chain; but I warrant you, the women have so cried and shrieked at it that it passed; but women, indeed, cannot abide ’em; they are very ill-favoured rough things.
	Re-enter Page.
Page	Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.
Slender	I’ll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
Page	By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come. He stands aside to let him pass in.
Slender	Nay, pray you lead the way.
Page	Going in. Come on, sir.
Slender	Begins to follow but then turns. Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
Anne Page	Not I, sir; pray you keep on.
Slender	Truly, I will not go first; truly, la! I will not do you that wrong.
Anne Page	Keeps behind him. I pray you, sir.
Slender	I’ll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You do yourself wrong indeed, la!He goes in.
	Exeunt.

Scene II

The same.

	Enter Sir Hugh Evans* and Simple.*
Sir Hugh Evans	Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius’ house which is the way; and there dwells one Mistress Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry nurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and his wringer.
Simple	Well, sir.
Sir Hugh Evans	Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it is a ’oman that altogether’s acquaintance with Mistress Anne Page; and the letter is to desire and require her to solicit your master’s desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray you be gone: I will make an end of my dinner; there’s pippins and cheese to come.
	Exeunt.

Scene III

A room in the Garter Inn.

	Enter Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nym, Pistol, and Robin.
Falstaff	Sets down his cup of sack. Mine host of the Garter!
Host	Turns. What says my bully rook? Speak scholarly and wisely.
Falstaff	Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.
Host	Discard, bully Hercules; cashier; let them wag; trot, trot.
Falstaff	I sit at ten pounds a week.
Host	Thou’rt an emperor, Caesar, Keiser, and Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap; said I well, bully Hector?
Falstaff	Do so, good mine host.
Host	I have spoke; let him follow. To Bardolph. Let me see thee froth and lime. I am at a word; follow.
	Exit Host.
Falstaff	Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade; an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu.
Bardolph	It is a life that I have desired; I will thrive.
Pistol	O base Hungarian wight! Wilt thou the spigot wield?
	Exit Bardolph.
Nym	He was gotten in drink. Is not the humour conceited?
Falstaff	I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox: his thefts were too open; his filching was like an unskilful singer⁠—he kept not time.
Nym	The good humour is to steal at a minim’s rest.
Pistol	“Convey” the wise it call. “Steal!” foh! A fico for the phrase!
Falstaff	Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
Pistol	Why, then, let kibes ensue.
Falstaff	There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.
Pistol	Young ravens must have food.
Falstaff	Which of you know Ford of this town?
Pistol	I ken the wight; he is of substance good.
Falstaff	My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
Pistol	Two yards, and more.
Falstaff	No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford’s wife; I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation; I can construe the action of her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be Englished rightly, is “I am Sir John Falstaff’s.”
Pistol	He hath studied her will, and translated her will out of honesty into English.
Nym	The anchor is deep; will that humour pass?
Falstaff	Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s purse; he hath a legion of angels.
Pistol	As many devils entertain; and “To her, boy,” say I.
Nym	The humour rises; it is good; humour me the angels.
Falstaff	I have writ me here a letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.
Pistol	Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
Nym	I thank thee for that humour.
Falstaff	O! she did so course o’er my exteriors with such a greedy intention that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass. Here’s another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheator to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. To Pistol. Go, bear thou this letter to Mistress Page; To Nym. and thou this to Mistress Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
Pistol	Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, And by my side wear steel? then Lucifer take all!
Nym	I will run no base humour. Here, take the humour-letter; I will keep the haviour of reputation.
	They throw letters on the table.
Falstaff	Rising. To Robin. Hold, sirrah; bear you these letters tightly; Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores. Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go; Trudge, plod away o’ hoof; seek shelter, pack! Falstaff will learn the humour of this age; French thrift, you rogues; myself, and skirted page.
	Exeunt Falstaff* and Robin.*
Pistol	Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds, And high and low beguile the rich and poor; Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack, Base Phrygian Turk!
Nym	I have operations in my head which be humours of revenge.
Pistol	Wilt thou revenge?
Nym	By welkin and her star!
Pistol	With wit or steel?
Nym	With both the humours, I: I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.
Pistol	And I to Ford shall eke unfold How Falstaff, varlet vile, His dove will prove, his gold will hold, And his soft couch defile.
Nym	My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to deal with poison; I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous: that is my true humour.
Pistol	Thou art the Mars of malcontents; I second thee; troop on.
	Exeunt.

Scene IV

A room in Doctor Caius’s house, a door in back leading to a small closet; two other doors, one leading to the street with a window beside it.

	Enter Mistress Quickly* and Simple.*
Mistress Quickly	Calling. What, John Rugby!
	Enter Rugby.
	I pray thee go to the casement, and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor Caius, coming: if he do, i’ faith, and find anybody in the house, here will be an old abusing of God’s patience and the King’s English.
Rugby	I’ll go watch.
Mistress Quickly	Go; and we’ll have a posset for’t soon at night, in faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire.
	Rugby goes to window.
	An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in house withal; and, I warrant you, no telltale nor no breed-bate; his worst fault is that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish that way; but nobody but has his fault; but let that pass. Peter Simple you say your name is?
Simple	Ay, for fault of a better.
Mistress Quickly	And Master Slender’s your master?
Simple	Ay, forsooth.
Mistress Quickly	Does he not wear a great round beard, like a glover’s paring-knife?
Simple	No, forsooth; he hath but a little whey face, with a little yellow beard⁠—a cane-coloured beard.
Mistress Quickly	A softly-sprighted man, is he not?
Simple	Ay, forsooth; but he is as tall a man of his hands as any is between this and his head; he hath fought with a warrener.
Mistress Quickly	How say you?⁠—O! I should remember him. Does he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?
Simple	Yes, indeed, does he.
Mistress Quickly	Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! Tell Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish⁠—
Rugby	Rugby calls from window. Out, alas! here comes my master.
Mistress Quickly	We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man; go into this closet. Shuts Simple* in the closet.* He will not stay long. Calling. What, John Rugby! John! what, John, I say!
	Enter Doctor Caius, she feigns not to see him.
	Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt he be not well that he comes not home.
	Sings. And down, down, adown-a, etc.
Doctor Caius	Suspicious Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you, go and vetch me in my closet une boitine verde⁠—a box, a green-a box: testily do intend vat I speak? a green-a box. He busies himself with papers.
Mistress Quickly	Ay, forsooth, I’ll fetch it you. Aside. I am glad he went not in himself: if he had found the young man, he would have been horn-mad. She goes to closet.
Doctor Caius	Wipes his forehead. Fe, fe, fe fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je m’en vais à la cour⁠—la grande affaire.
Mistress Quickly	Returning with a green case. Is it this, sir?
Doctor Caius	Oui; mettez le au mon pocket: depechez, Quickly⁠—Vere is dat knave, Rugby?
Mistress Quickly	What, John Rugby? John!
Rugby	Comes forward. Here, sir.
Doctor Caius	You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby: come, take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to de court.
Rugby	Opening the door. ’Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.
Doctor Caius	Following swiftly. By my trot, I tarry too long stops⁠—Od’s me! Qu’ay j’oublie? Rushes to the closet. Dere is some simples in my closet dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.
Mistress Quickly	Aside. Ay me, he’ll find the young man there, and be mad!
Doctor Caius	Discovers Simple. O diable, diable! vat is in my closet?⁠—Villainy! larron! Pulling Simple* out.* Rugby, my rapier!
Mistress Quickly	Good master, be content.
Doctor Caius	Verefore shall I be content-a?
Mistress Quickly	The young man is an honest man.
Doctor Caius	What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere is no honest man dat shall come in my closet.
Mistress Quickly	I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truth of it: he came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.
Doctor Caius	Vell.
Simple	Ay, forsooth, to desire her to⁠—
Mistress Quickly	Peace, I pray you.
Doctor Caius	Peace-a your tongue!⁠—Speak-a your tale.
Simple	To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my master, in the way of marriage.
Mistress Quickly	This is all, indeed, la! but I’ll ne’er put my finger in the fire, and need not.
Doctor Caius	Sir Hugh send-a you?⁠—Rugby, baillez me some paper: tarry you a little-a while. He sits at desk and writes.
Mistress Quickly	Draws Simple* aside.* I am glad he is so quiet: if he had been throughly moved, you should have heard him so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding, man, I’ll do you your master what good I can; and the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my master⁠—I may call him my master, look you, for I keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds, and do all myself⁠—
Simple	’Tis a great charge to come under one body’s hand.
Mistress Quickly	Are you avis’d o’ that? You shall find it a great charge; and to be up early and down late; but notwithstanding⁠—to tell you in your ear⁠—I would have no words of it⁠—my master himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page; but notwithstanding that, I know Anne’s mind, that’s neither here nor there.
Doctor Caius	Rising and folding letter. You jack’nape; give-a dis letter to Sir Hugh; by gar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in de Park; and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good you tarry here: by gar, I will cut all his two stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to throw at his dog.
	Exit Simple.
Mistress Quickly	Alas, he speaks but for his friend.
Doctor Caius	Turns upon her. It is no matter-a ver dat:⁠—do not you tell-a me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I vill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed mine host of de Jartiere to measure our weapon. By gar, I vill myself have Anne Page.
Mistress Quickly	Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We must give folks leave to prate: he boxes her ears what, the good-jer! Rubbing her head.
Doctor Caius	Rugby, come to the court vit me. To Mistress Quickly. By gar, if I have not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my door. Follow my heels, Rugby.
	Exeunt Doctor Caius* and Rugby.*
Mistress Quickly	You shall have An the door shuts fool’s-head of your own. No, I know Anne’s mind for that: never a woman in Windsor knows more of Anne’s mind than I do; nor can do more than I do with her, I thank heaven.
Fenton	Within. Who’s within there? ho!
Mistress Quickly	Who’s there, I trow? Come near the house, I pray you.
	Enter Fenton.
Fenton	How now, good woman! how dost thou?
Mistress Quickly	The better, that it pleases your good worship to ask.
Fenton	What news? how does pretty Mistress Anne?
Mistress Quickly	In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you that by the way; I praise heaven for it.
Fenton	Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? Shall I not lose my suit?
Mistress Quickly	Troth, sir, all is in His hands above; but notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I’ll be sworn on a book she loves you. Have not your worship a wart above your eye?
Fenton	Yes, marry, have I; what of that?
Mistress Quickly	Well, thereby hangs a tale; good faith, it is such another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever broke bread. We had an hour’s talk of that wart; I shall never laugh but in that maid’s company;⁠—but, indeed, she is given too much to allicholy and musing. But for you⁠—well, go to.
Fenton	Well, I shall see her today. Hold, there’s money for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf: if thou seest her before me, commend me.
Mistress Quickly	Will I? i’ faith, that we will; and I will tell your worship more of the wart the next time we have confidence; and of other wooers.
Fenton	Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.
Mistress Quickly	Farewell to your worship.⁠—
	Exit Fenton.
	Truly, an honest gentleman; but Anne loves him not; for I know Anne’s mind as well as another does. Out upon’t, what have I forgot?
	Exit.

Act II

Scene I

Before Page’s house.

	Enter Mistress Page, with a letter.
Mistress Page	What! have I ’scaped love-letters in the holiday-time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them? Let me see. She reads. “Ask me no reason why I love you; for though Love use Reason for his precisian, he admits him not for his counsellor. You are not young, no more am I; go to, then, there’s sympathy: you are merry, so am I; ha! ha! then there’s more sympathy; you love sack, and so do I; would you desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page, at the least, if the love of soldier can suffice, that I love thee. I will not say, pity me: ’tis not a soldier-like phrase; but I say, Love me. By me, Thine own true knight, By day or night, Or any kind of light, With all his might For thee to fight, John Falstaff.” What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with age to show himself a young gallant. What an unweighed behaviour hath this Flemish drunkard picked, with the devil’s name! out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What should I say to him? I was then frugal of my mirth:⁠—Heaven forgive me! Why, I’ll exhibit a bill in the parliament for the putting down of men. How shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings.
	Enter Mistress Ford.
Mistress Ford	Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house.
Mistress Page	And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very ill.
Mistress Ford	Nay, I’ll ne’er believe that; I have to show to the contrary.
Mistress Page	Faith, but you do, in my mind.
Mistress Ford	Well, I do, then; yet, I say, I could show you to the contrary. O, Mistress Page! give me some counsel.
Mistress Page	What’s the matter, woman?
Mistress Ford	O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I could come to such honour!
Mistress Page	Hang the trifle, woman; take the honour. What is it?⁠—Dispense with trifles;⁠—what is it?
Mistress Ford	If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so, I could be knighted.
Mistress Page	What? thou liest. Sir Alice Ford! These knights will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy gentry.
Mistress Ford	We burn daylight: hands her a letter here, read, read; perceive how I might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat men as long as I have an eye to make difference of men’s liking: and yet he would not swear; praised women’s modesty; and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness that I would have sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of his words; but they do no more adhere and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of “Greensleeves.” What tempest, I trow, threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I think the best way were to entertain him with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?
Mistress Page	Holding the two letters side by side. Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and Ford differs. To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill opinions, here’s the twin-brother of thy letter; but let thine inherit first, for, I protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for different names, sure, more, and these are of the second edition. He will print them, out of doubt; for he cares not what he puts into the press, when he would put us two: I had rather be a giantess and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.
Mistress Ford	Taking Mistress Page’s letter. Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very words. What doth he think of us?
Mistress Page	Nay, I know not; it makes me almost ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I’ll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in me that I know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.
Mistress Ford	“Boarding” call you it? I’ll be sure to keep him above deck.
Mistress Page	So will I; if he come under my hatches, I’ll never to sea again. Let’s be revenged on him; let’s appoint him a meeting, give him a show of comfort in his suit, and lead him on with a fine-baited delay, till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.
Mistress Ford	Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against him that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! It would give eternal food to his jealousy.
Mistress Page	Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he’s as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause; and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable distance.
Mistress Ford	You are the happier woman.
Mistress Page	Let’s consult together against this greasy knight. Come hither.
	They retire.
	Enter Fordand Pistol, and Page* and Nym in pairs.*
Ford	Well, I hope it be not so.
Pistol	Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs: Sir John affects thy wife.
Ford	Why, sir, my wife is not young.
Pistol	He woos both high and low, both rich and poor, Both young and old, one with another, Ford; He loves the gallimaufry. Ford, perpend.
Ford	Love my wife!
Pistol	With liver burning hot: prevent, or go thou, Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels.⁠— O! odious is the name!
Ford	What name, sir?
Pistol	The horn, I say. Farewell:
	Take heed; have open eye, for thieves do foot by night; Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo birds do sing. Away, Sir Corporal Nym. To Page. Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.
	Exit Pistol.
Ford	Aside. I will be patient: I will find out this.
Nym	To Page. And this is true; I like not the humour of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: I should have borne the humoured letter to her; but I have a sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife; there’s the short and the long.
	My name is Corporal Nym; I speak, and I avouch ’tis true. My name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your wife. Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese; and there’s the humour of it. Adieu.
	Exit Nym.
Page	Aside. “The humour of it,” quoth ’a! Here’s a fellow frights English out of his wits.
Ford	I will seek out Falstaff.
Page	I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.
Ford	If I do find it: well.
Page	I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest o’ the town commended him for a true man.
Ford	’Twas a good sensible fellow: well.
Page	How now, Meg!
	Mistress Page and Mistress Ford come forward, having heard all.
Mistress Page	Whither go you, George?⁠—Hark you. They speak together.
Mistress Ford	Demure. How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy?
Ford	Starts. I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go. He turns away.
Mistress Ford	Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head now. Will you go, Mistress Page?
Mistress Page	Have with you. You’ll come to dinner, George? Aside to Mistress Ford. Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger to this paltry knight.
Mistress Ford	Aside to Mistress Page. Trust me, I thought on her: she’ll fit it.
	Enter Mistress Quickly.
Mistress Page	You are come to see my daughter Anne?
Mistress Quickly	Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?
Mistress Page	Go in with us and see; we’d have an hour’s talk with you.
	Exeunt Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and Mistress Quickly.
Page	How now, Master Ford!
Ford	Rouses. You heard what this knave told me, did you not?
Page	Yes; and you heard what the other told me?
Ford	Do you think there is truth in them?
Page	Hang ’em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer it; but these that accuse him in his intent towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men; very rogues, now they be out of service.
Ford	Were they his men?
Page	Marry, were they.
Ford	I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the Garter?
Page	Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head.
Ford	I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to turn them together. A man may be too confident. I would have nothing “lie on my head”: I cannot be thus satisfied.
Page	Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes. There is either liquor in his pate or money in his purse when he looks so merrily.
	Enter Host* and Justice Shallow following at a distance.*
	How now, mine host!
Host	How now, bully-rook! Thou’rt a gentleman. Turns and calls. Cavaliero-justice, I say!
Justice Shallow	Breathless. I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you go with us? We have sport in hand.
Host	Tell him, cavaliero-justice; tell him, bully-rook.
Justice Shallow	Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.
Ford	Good mine host o’ the Garter, a word with you.
Host	What say’st thou, my bully-rook?
	They go aside.
Justice Shallow	To Page. Will you go with us to behold it? My merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places; for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.
	They converse apart.
Host	Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavaliero?
Ford	None, I protest: but I’ll give you a pottle of burnt sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him my name is Brook, only for a jest.
Host	My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress; said I well? and thy name shall be Brook. It is a merry knight. Will you go, mynheers? Going.
Justice Shallow	Have with you, mine host.
Page	I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his rapier.
Justice Shallow	Tut, sir! I could have told you more. In these times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and I know not what: ’tis the heart, Master Page; ’tis here, ’tis here. I have seen the time with my long sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.
Host	Calling. Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag?
Page	Have with you. I had rather hear them scold than fight.
	Exeunt Host, Justice Shallow, and Page.
Ford	Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly on his wife’s frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily. She was in his company at Page’s house, and what they made there I know not. Well, I will look further into’t; and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not my labour; if she be otherwise, ’tis labour well bestowed.
	Exit.

Scene II

A room in the Garter Inn.

	Enter Falstaff* and Pistol.*
Falstaff	I will not lend thee a penny.
Pistol	Why then, the world’s mine oyster, Which I with sword will open. I will retort the sum in equipage.
Falstaff	Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow, Nym; or else you had looked through the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took’t upon mine honour thou hadst it not.
Pistol	Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen pence?
Falstaff	Reason, you rogue, reason. Thinkest thou I’ll endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me, I am no gibbet for you: go: a short knife and a throng!⁠—to your manor of Picht-hatch! go. You’ll not bear a letter for me, you rogue!⁠—you stand upon your honour!⁠—Why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the terms of my honour precise. I, I, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand, and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! You will not do it, you!
Pistol	I do relent; what wouldst thou more of man?
	Enter Robin.
Robin	Sir, here’s a woman would speak with you.
Falstaff	Let her approach.
	Enter Mistress Quickly.
Mistress Quickly	Curtsies. Give your worship good morrow.
Falstaff	Good morrow, good wife.
Mistress Quickly	Not so, an’t please your worship.
Falstaff	Good maid, then.
Mistress Quickly	I’ll be sworn; As my mother was, the first hour I was born.
Falstaff	I do believe the swearer. What with me?
Mistress Quickly	Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
Falstaff	Two thousand, fair woman; and I’ll vouchsafe thee the hearing.
Mistress Quickly	There is one Mistress Ford, glances round at Pistol and Robin sir⁠—I pray, come a little nearer this ways:⁠—I myself dwell with Master Doctor Caius.
Falstaff	Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say⁠—
Mistress Quickly	Your worship says very true;⁠—I pray your worship come a little nearer this ways.
Falstaff	I warrant thee nobody hears waves his hand towards Pistol and Robin⁠—mine own people, mine own people.
Mistress Quickly	Are they so? God bless them, and make them His servants!
Falstaff	Well: Mistress Ford, what of her?
Mistress Quickly	Why, sir, she’s a good creature. Lord, Lord! your worship’s a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you, and all of us, I pray.
Falstaff	Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford⁠—
Mistress Quickly	Marry, this is the short and the long of it. You have brought her into such a canaries as ’tis wonderful: the best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her to such a canary; yet there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches; I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift; smelling so sweetly⁠—all musk, and so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best and the fairest, that would have won any woman’s heart; and I warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her. I had myself twenty angels given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all; and yet there has been earls, nay, which is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.
Falstaff	But what says she to me? be brief, my good she-Mercury.
Mistress Quickly	Marry, she hath received your letter; for the which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you to notify that her husband will be absence from his house between ten and eleven.
Falstaff	Ten and eleven?
Mistress Quickly	Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet woman leads an ill life with him; he’s a very jealousy man; she leads a very frampold life with him, good heart.
Falstaff	Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will not fail her.
Mistress Quickly	Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to your worship: Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you too; and let me tell you in your ear, she’s as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe’er be the other; and she bade me tell your worship that her husband is seldom from home, but she hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon a man: surely I think you have charms, la! yes, in truth.
Falstaff	Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my good parts aside, I have no other charms.
Mistress Quickly	Blessing on your heart for’t!
Falstaff	But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford’s wife and Page’s wife acquainted each other how they love me?
Mistress Quickly	That were a jest indeed! They have not so little grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! But Mistress Page would desire you to send her your little page, of all loves: her husband has a marvellous infection to the little page; and, truly, Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a better life than she does; do what she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as she will; and truly she deserves it; for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send her your page; no remedy.
Falstaff	Why, I will.
Mistress Quickly	Nay, but do so then; and, look you, he may come and go between you both; and in any case have a nay-word, that you may know one another’s mind, and the boy never need to understand anything; for ’tis not good that children should know any wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say, and know the world.
Falstaff	Fare thee well; commend me to them both. There’s my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with this woman.⁠—
	Exeunt Mistress Quickly* and Robin.*
	This news distracts me.
Pistol	This punk is one of Cupid’s carriers; Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights; Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
	Exit Pistol.
Falstaff	Say’st thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I’ll make more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say ’tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no matter.
	Enter Bardolph, with a cup of sack.
Bardolph	Sir John, there’s one Master Brook below would fain speak with you and be acquainted with you: and hath sent your worship a morning’s draught of sack.
Falstaff	Brook is his name?
Bardolph	Ay, sir.
Falstaff	Call him in.
	Exit Bardolph.
	Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o’erflow such liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompassed you? Go to; via!
	Re-enter Bardolph, with Ford* disguised carrying a bag of money.*
Ford	Bless you, sir!
Falstaff	And you, sir; would you speak with me?
Ford	I make bold to press with so little preparation upon you.
Falstaff	You’re welcome. What’s your will?⁠—Give us leave, drawer.
	Exit Bardolph.
Ford	Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much: my name is Brook.
Falstaff	Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.
Ford	Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you; for I must let you understand I think myself in better plight for a lender than you are: the which hath something embold’ned me to this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open.
Falstaff	Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
Ford	Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me; if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage.
Falstaff	Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.
Ford	I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.
Falstaff	Speak, good Master Brook; I shall be glad to be your servant.
Ford	Sir, I hear you are a scholar⁠—I will be brief with you, and you have been a man long known to me, though I had never so good means, as desire, to make myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfection; but, good Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register of your own, that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know how easy is it to be such an offender.
Falstaff	Very well, sir; proceed.
Ford	There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband’s name is Ford.
Falstaff	Well, sir.
Ford	I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her; fee’d every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her; not only bought many presents to give her, but have given largely to many to know what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind or in my means, meed, I am sure, I have received none, unless experience be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say this,
	“Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues; Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues”
Falstaff	Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?
Ford	Never.
Falstaff	Have you importuned her to such a purpose?
Ford	Never.
Falstaff	Of what quality was your love, then?
Ford	Like a fair house built on another man’s ground; so that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where I erected it.
Falstaff	To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?
Ford	When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say that though she appear honest to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your place and person, generally allowed for your many warlike, court-like, and learnéd preparations.
Falstaff	O, sir!
Ford	Believe it, for you know it. He places the bag on the table. There is money; spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only give me so much of your time in exchange of it as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford’s wife: use your art of wooing, win her to consent to you; if any man may, you may as soon as any.
Falstaff	Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.
Ford	O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on the excellency of her honour that the folly of my soul dares not present itself; she is too bright to be looked against. Now, could I come to her with any detection in my hand, my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves; I could drive her then from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand other her defences, which now are too too strongly embattled against me. What say you to’t, Sir John?
Falstaff	Weighing the bag in his hand. Master Brook, I will first make bold with your money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford’s wife.
Ford	O good sir!
Falstaff	I say you shall.
Ford	Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.
Falstaff	Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own appointment; even as you came in to me her assistant or go-between parted from me: I say I shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally knave, her husband, will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall know how I speed.
Ford	Bowing. I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, sir?
Falstaff	Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not; yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the which his wife seems to me well-favoured. I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue’s coffer; and there’s my harvest-home.
Ford	I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him if you saw him.
Falstaff	Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o’er the cuckold’s horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford’s a knave, and I will aggravate his style; thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at night. He takes up the bag.
	Exit Falstaff.
Ford	What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent to him; the hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man have thought this? See the hell of having a false woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are devils’ additions, the names of fiends. But Cuckold! Wittol!⁠—Cuckold! the devil himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass; he will trust his wife; he will not be jealous; I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they think in their hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts but they will effect. God be praised for my jealousy! Eleven o’clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it; better three hours too soon than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!
	Exit.

Scene III

A field near Windsor.

	Enter Doctor Caius* and Rugby.*
Doctor Caius	Stops. Jack Rugby!
Rugby	Sir?
Doctor Caius	Vat is de clock, Jack?
Rugby	’Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet.
Doctor Caius	By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come; he has pray his Pible vell dat he is no come: by gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.
Rugby	He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill him if he came.
Doctor Caius	By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him. Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him.
Rugby	Alas, sir, I cannot fence!
Doctor Caius	Villany, take your rapier. They begin to fence.
Rugby	Forbear; here’s company.
	Enter Host, Justice Shallow, Slender, and Page.
Host	Bless thee, bully doctor!
Justice Shallow	Save you, Master Doctor Caius!
Page	Now, good Master Doctor!
Slender	Give you good morrow, sir.
Doctor Caius	Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?
Host	To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse; to see thee here, to see thee there; to see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is he dead, my Francisco? Ha, bully! What says my Aesculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? Ha! is he dead, bully stale? Is he dead?
Doctor Caius	By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de world; he is not show his face.
Host	Thou art a Castalion King Urinal! Hector of Greece, my boy!
Doctor Caius	I pray you, bear witness that me have stay six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.
Justice Shallow	He is the wiser man, Master doctor: he is a curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should fight, you go against the hair of your professions. Is it not true, Master Page?
Page	Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter, though now a man of peace.
Justice Shallow	Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old, and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to make one. Though we are justices, and doctors, and churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of our youth in us; we are the sons of women, Master Page.
Page	’Tis true, Master Shallow.
Justice Shallow	It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor Caius, I come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the peace; you have showed yourself a wise physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman. You must go with me, Master Doctor.
Host	Pardon, guest-justice.⁠—A word, Monsieur Mockwater.
Doctor Caius	Mock-vater! Vat is dat?
Host	Mockwater, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.
Doctor Caius	By gar, then I have as much mockvater as de Englishman.⁠—Scurvy jack-dog priest! By gar, me vill cut his ears.
Host	He will clapperclaw thee tightly, bully.
Doctor Caius	Clapper-de-claw! Vat is dat?
Host	That is, he will make thee amends.
Doctor Caius	By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me; for, by gar, me vill have it.
Host	And I will provoke him to’t, or let him wag.
Doctor Caius	Me tank you for dat.
Host	And, moreover, bully⁠—aside but first: Master guest, and Master Page, and eke Cavaliero Slender, go you through the town to Frogmore.
Page	Sir Hugh is there, is he?
Host	He is there: see what humour he is in; and I will bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?
Justice Shallow	We will do it.
Page, Shallow, and Slender	Adieu, good Master Doctor.
	Exeunt Page, Justice Shallow, and Slender.
Doctor Caius	By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a jack-an-ape to Anne Page.
Host	Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience; throw cold water on thy choler; go about the fields with me through Frogmore; I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is, at a farmhouse a-feasting; and thou shalt woo her. Cried I aim! Said I well?
Doctor Caius	By gar, me tank you for dat: by gar, I love you; and I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.
Host	For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne Page: said I well?
Doctor Caius	By gar, ’tis good; vell said.
Host	Let us wag, then.
Doctor Caius	Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
	Exeunt.

Act III

Scene I

A meadow near Frogmore with a field-path and two stiles, one hard-by, the other at a distance.

	Enter Sir Hugh Evans* in doublet and hose; a drawn sword in one hand and an open book in the other. Simple on the look-out up a tree.*
Sir Hugh Evans	Calls. I pray you now, good Master Slender’s serving-man, and friend Simple by your name, which way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic?
Simple	Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, every way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town way.
Sir Hugh Evans	I most fehemently desire you you will also look that way.
Simple	I will, Sir.
Sir Hugh Evans	Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals about his knave’s costard when I have goot opportunities for the ’ork: pless my soul! Sings.
	To shallow rivers, to whose falls Melodious birds sings madrigals; There will we make our peds of roses, And a thousand fragrant posies. To shallow⁠—
	Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry. Sings.
	Melodious birds sing madrigals⁠— Whenas I sat in Pabylon⁠— And a thousand vagram posies. To shallow⁠—
Simple	Descending the tree Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh.
Sir Hugh Evans	He’s welcome.
	Sings.
	To shallow rivers, to whose falls⁠—
	Heaven prosper the right!⁠—What weapons is he?
Simple	No weapons, sir. Points. There comes my master, Master Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over the stile, this way.
Sir Hugh Evans	Pray you give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms. Reads in a book. Simple* takes up gown from ground.*
	Enter Page* and Justice Shallow over the near stile, with Slender following. At the same time Host, Doctor Caius, and Rugby are seen climbing the stile afar off.*
Justice Shallow	How now, Master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful.
Slender	Aside. Ah, sweet Anne Page!
Page	’Save you, good Sir Hugh!
Sir Hugh Evans	Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!
Justice Shallow	What, the sword and the word! Do you study them both, Master Parson?
Page	And youthful still, in your doublet and hose, this raw rheumatic day!
Sir Hugh Evans	There is reasons and causes for it.
Page	We are come to you to do a good office, Master Parson.
Sir Hugh Evans	Fery well; what is it?
Page	Looks over Sir Hugh Evans’ shoulder. Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike having received wrong by some person, is at most odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.
Justice Shallow	I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning, so wide of his own respect.
Sir Hugh Evans	What is he?
	Host, Doctor Caius, and Rugby approach.
Page	I think you know him: He turns. Master Doctor Caius, the renowned French physician.
Sir Hugh Evans	Got’s will and His passion of my heart! I had as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.
Page	Why?
Sir Hugh Evans	He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates and Galen⁠—raises his voice and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as you would desires to be acquainted withal. Doctor Caius runs forward with rapier and dagger drawn.
Page	I warrant you, he’s the man should fight with him.
Slender	Aside. O, sweet Anne Page!
Justice Shallow	It appears so, by his weapons. Keep them asunder; here comes Doctor Caius. He crosses his path.
Page	Steps in front of Sir Hugh Evans Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.
Justice Shallow	So do you, good Master Doctor.
Host	Disarm them, and let them question; let them keep their limbs whole and hack our English. They are disarmed.
Doctor Caius	I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear: verefore will you not meet-a me?
Sir Hugh Evans	Aside to Doctor Caius. Pray you use your patience; in good time.
Doctor Caius	By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.
Sir Hugh Evans	Aside to Doctor Caius. Pray you, let us not be laughing-stogs to other men’s humours; I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends. Aloud. I will knog your urinals about your knave’s cogscomb for missing your meetings and appointments.
Doctor Caius	Diable!⁠—Jack Rugby⁠—mine Host de Jarretiere⁠—have I not stay for him to kill him? Have I not, at de place I did appoint?
Sir Hugh Evans	As I am a Christians soul, now, look you, this is the place appointed. I’ll be judgment by mine host of the Garter.
Host	Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaullia; French and Welsh, soul-curer and body-curer!
Doctor Caius	Ay, dat is very good; excellent!
Host	Peace, I say! Hear mine host of the Garter. Am I politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? No; he gives me the potions and the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? No; he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so;⁠—give me thy hand, celestial; so. Joins their hands. Boys of art, I have deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong places; your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. To Page* and Justice Shallow.* Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace; follow, follow, follow.
Justice Shallow	Trust me, a mad host!⁠—Follow, gentlemen, follow. He mounts the stile.
Slender	Aside. O, sweet Anne Page!
	Exeunt Justice Shallow, Slender, Page, and Host.
Doctor Caius	Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot of us, ha, ha?
Sir Hugh Evans	This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog our prains together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the host of the Garter.
Doctor Caius	By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.
Sir Hugh Evans	Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you follow.
	Exeunt.

Scene II

A street in Windsor.

	Enter Mistress Page* and Robin; he pauses.*
Mistress Page	Nay, keep your way, little gallant: you were wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master’s heels?
Robin	I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than follow him like a dwarf.
Mistress Page	O! you are a flattering boy: now I see you’ll be a courtier.
	Enter Ford.
Ford	Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?
Mistress Page	Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?
Ford	Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want of company. I think, if your husbands were dead, you two would marry.
Mistress Page	Be sure of that⁠—two other husbands.
Ford	Where had you this pretty weathercock?
Mistress Page	I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of. What do you call your knight’s name, sirrah?
Robin	Sir John Falstaff.
Ford	Sir John Falstaff!
Mistress Page	He, he; I can never hit on’s name. There is such a league between my good man and he! Is your wife at home indeed?
Ford	Indeed she is.
Mistress Page	Curtsies. By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her.
	Exeunt Mistress Page* and Robin.*
Ford	Has Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath he any thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score. He pieces out his wife’s inclination; he gives her folly motion and advantage; and now she’s going to my wife, and Falstaff’s boy with her. A man may hear this shower sing in the wind: and Falstaff’s boy with her! Good plots! They are laid; and our revolted wives share damnation together. Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the so seeming Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and wilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim. Clock strikes. The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me search; there I shall find Falstaff. I shall be rather praised for this than mocked; for it is as positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is there. I will go.
	Enter Page, Justice Shallow, Slender, Host, Sir Hugh Evans, Doctor Caius, and Rugby.
Shallow, Page, etc.	Well met, Master Ford.
Ford	Trust me, a good knot; I have good cheer at home, and I pray you all go with me.
Justice Shallow	I must excuse myself, Master Ford.
Slender	And so must I, sir; we have appointed to dine with Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for more money than I’ll speak of.
Justice Shallow	We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer.
Slender	I hope I have your good will, father Page.
Page	You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you. But my wife, Master doctor, is for you altogether.
Doctor Caius	Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush.
Host	What say you to young Master Fenton? He capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he speaks holiday, he smells April and May; he will carry’t, he will carry’t; ’tis in his buttons; he will carry’t.
Page	Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is of no having: he kept company with the wild Prince and Pointz; he is of too high a region, he knows too much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of my substance; if he take her, let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that way.
Ford	I beseech you, heartily, some of you go home with me to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have sport; I will show you a monster. Master Doctor, you shall go; so shall you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh.
Justice Shallow	Well, fare you well; we shall have the freer wooing at Master Page’s.
	Exeunt Justice Shallow* and Slender.*
Doctor Caius	Go home, John Rugby; I come anon.
	Exit Rugby.
Host	Farewell, my hearts; I will to my honest knight Falstaff, and drink canary with him.
	Exit Host.
Ford	Aside. I think I shall drink in pipe-wine first with him. I’ll make him dance.
	Aloud. Will you go, gentles?
All	Have with you to see this monster.
	Exeunt.

Scene III

A room in Ford’s house, hung with arras; stairs leading to a gallery; a large open hearth; three doors, one with windows right and left opening into the street.

	Enter Mistress Ford* and Mistress Page.*
Mistress Ford	Calls. What, John! what, Robert!
Mistress Page	Quickly, quickly:⁠—Is the buck-basket⁠—
Mistress Ford	I warrant. What, Robin, I say!
	Enter Servants* with a basket.*
Mistress Page	Impatient. Come, come, come.
Mistress Ford	Here, set it down. They do so.
Mistress Page	Give your men the charge; we must be brief.
Mistress Ford	Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be ready here hard by in the brew-house; and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and, without any pause or staggering, take this basket on your shoulders: that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet-Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.
Mistress Page	You will do it?
Mistress Ford	I have told them over and over; they lack no direction. Be gone, and come when you are called.
	Exeunt Servants.
Mistress Page	Here comes little Robin.
	Enter Robin.
Mistress Ford	How now, my eyas-musket! what news with you?
Robin	My Master Sir John is come in at your backdoor, Mistress Ford, and requests your company.
Mistress Page	You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?
Robin	Ay, I’ll be sworn. My master knows not of your being here, and hath threatened to put me into everlasting liberty, if I tell you of it; for he swears he’ll turn me away.
Mistress Page	Thou’rt a good boy; this secrecy of thine shall be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a new doublet and hose. I’ll go hide me.
Mistress Ford	Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone.
	Exit Robin.
	Mistress Page, remember you your cue.
Mistress Page	I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.
	Exit Mistress Page, leaving door ajar.
Mistress Ford	Go to, then; we’ll use this unwholesome humidity, this gross watery pumpion; we’ll teach him to know turtles from jays.
	Enter Falstaff.
Falstaff	“Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel?” Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the period of my ambition: O this blessed hour!
Mistress Ford	O, sweet Sir John! They embrace.
Falstaff	Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish; I would thy husband were dead. I’ll speak it before the best lord, I would make thee my lady.
Mistress Ford	I your lady, Sir John! Alas, I should be a pitiful lady.
Falstaff	Let the court of France show me such another. I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond; thou hast the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian admittance.
Mistress Ford	A plain kerchief, Sir John; my brows become nothing else; nor that well neither.
Falstaff	By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thou wouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature thy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it.
Mistress Ford	Believe me, there’s no such thing in me.
Falstaff	What made me love thee? Let that persuade thee there’s something extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a many of these lisping hawthorn-buds that come like women in men’s apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury in simple-time; I cannot; but I love thee, none but thee; and thou deservest it.
Mistress Ford	Do not betray me, sir; I fear you love Mistress Page.
Falstaff	Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a limekiln.
Mistress Ford	Well, heaven knows how I love you; with meaning and you shall one day find it.
Falstaff	Keep in that mind; I’ll deserve it.
Mistress Ford	Nay, I must tell you, so you do; with meaning or else I could not be in that mind.
Robin	Within. Mistress Ford! Mistress Ford! here’s Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.
Falstaff	She shall not see me; I will ensconce me behind the arras.
Mistress Ford	Pray you, do so; she’s a very tattling woman.
	Falstaff hides himself.
	Re-enter Mistress Page* and Robin.*
	What’s the matter? How now!
Mistress Page	Seeming breathless. O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You’re shamed, you are overthrown, you are undone forever!
Mistress Ford	What’s the matter, good Mistress Page?
Mistress Page	O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!
Mistress Ford	What cause of suspicion?
Mistress Page	What cause of suspicion? Out upon you! how am I mistook in you!
Mistress Ford	Why, alas, what’s the matter?
Mistress Page	Your husband’s coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house, by your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence: you are undone.
Mistress Ford	Aside. Speak louder. ’Tis not so, I hope.
Mistress Page	Pray heaven it be not so that you have such a man here! but ’tis most certain your husband’s coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here, convey, convey him out. Be not amazed; call all your senses to you; defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life forever.
Mistress Ford	What shall I do?⁠—There is a gentleman, my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame as much as his peril: I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the house.
Mistress Page	For shame! never stand “you had rather” and “you had rather”: your husband’s here at hand; bethink you of some conveyance; in the house you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here is a basket; if he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking: or⁠—it is whiting-time⁠—send him by your two men to Datchet-Mead.
Mistress Ford	He’s too big to go in there. What shall I do?
Falstaff	Coming forward. Let me see’t, let me see’t. O, let me see’t! I’ll in, I’ll in; follow your friend’s counsel; I’ll in.
Mistress Page	What, Sir John Falstaff! In his ear. Are these your letters, knight?
Falstaff	I love thee and none but thee; help me away: let me creep in here. I’ll never⁠—
	Voices heard in the street without. He gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen.
Mistress Page	Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men, Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight!
Mistress Ford	Calling. What, John! Robert! John!
	Robin hastily thrusts the remainder of the linen into the basket and runs off.
	Re-enter Servants.
	Go, take up these clothes here, quickly; where’s the cowl-staff? Look how you drumble! They pass a pole through the handle of the basket. Carry them to the laundress in Datchet-Mead; they hoist the basket, staggering quickly, come.
	Enter Ford, Page, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Ford	Pray you come near. If I suspect without cause, why then make sport at me, then let me be your jest; I deserve it. How now, whither bear you this?
Servant	To the laundress, forsooth.
Mistress Ford	Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing.
Ford	Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck! Buck, buck, buck! ay, buck; I warrant you, buck; and of the season too, it shall appear.
	Exeunt Servants* with the basket.*
	Gentlemen, I have dreamed tonight; I’ll tell you my dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my chambers; search, seek, find out. I’ll warrant we’ll unkennel the fox. Goes to outer door. Let me stop this way first. Locking the door. So, now uncape.
Page	Good Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much.
Ford	True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen, you shall see sport anon⁠ ⁠… Mounts the stairs. Follow me, gentlemen.
	They hesitate. Exit Ford.
Sir Hugh Evans	This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.
Doctor Caius	By gar, ’tis no the fashion of France; it is not jealous in France.
Page	Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.
	Exeunt Sir Hugh Evans, Page, and Doctor Caius.
Mistress Page	Is there not a double excellency in this?
Mistress Ford	I know not which pleases me better, that my husband is deceived, or Sir John.
Mistress Page	What a taking was he in when your husband asked who was in the basket!
Mistress Ford	I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.
Mistress Page	Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same strain were in the same distress.
Mistress Ford	I think my husband hath some special suspicion of Falstaff’s being here, for I never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now.
Mistress Page	I will lay a plot to try that, and we will yet have more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will scarce obey this medicine.
Mistress Ford	Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water, and give him another hope, to betray him to another punishment?
Mistress Page	We will do it; let him be sent for tomorrow eight o’clock, to have amends.
	Re-enter Ford, Page, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Ford	I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of that he could not compass.
Mistress Page	Aside to Mistress Ford. Heard you that?
Mistress Ford	Aside to Mistress Page. Ay, ay, peace.⁠—
	You use me well, Master Ford, do you?
Ford	Ay, I do so.
Mistress Ford	Heaven make you better than your thoughts!
Ford	Amen!
Mistress Page	You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.
Ford	Ay, ay; I must bear it.
Sir Hugh Evans	If there be any pody in the house, and in the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment!
Doctor Caius	Be gar, nor I too; there is no bodies.
Page	Fie, fie, Master Ford, are you not ashamed? What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not ha’ your distemper in this kind for the wealth of Windsor Castle.
Ford	’Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it.
Sir Hugh Evans	You suffer for a pad conscience. Your wife is as honest a ’omans as I will desires among five thousand, and five hundred too.
Doctor Caius	By gar, I see ’tis an honest woman.
Ford	Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in the Park: I pray you pardon me; I will hereafter make known to you why I have done this. Come, wife, come, Mistress Page; I pray you pardon me; takes their hands pray heartily, pardon me.
	Exeunt Mistress Ford* and Mistress Page.*
Page	To the others. Let’s go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we’ll mock him. I do invite you tomorrow morning to my house to breakfast; after, we’ll a-birding together; I have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so?
Ford	Anything.
Sir Hugh Evans	If there is one, I shall make two in the company.
Doctor Caius	If there be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.
Ford	Pray you go, Master Page.
	Exeunt Ford* and Page.*
Sir Hugh Evans	I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousy knave, mine host.
Doctor Caius	Dat is good; by gar, with all my heart.
Sir Hugh Evans	A lousy knave! to have his gibes and his mockeries!
	Exeunt.

Scene IV

A room in Page’s house.

	Enter Fenton* and Anne Page.*
Fenton	I see I cannot get thy father’s love; Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.
Anne Page	Alas! how then?
Fenton	Why, thou must be thyself. He doth object, I am too great of birth; And that my state being gall’d with my expense, I seek to heal it only by his wealth. Besides these, other bars he lays before me, My riots past, my wild societies; And tells me ’tis a thing impossible I should love thee but as a property.
Anne Page	May be he tells you true.
Fenton	No, heaven so speed me in my time to come! Albeit I will confess thy father’s wealth Was the first motive that I wooed thee, Anne: Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value Than stamps in gold, or sums in sealéd bags; And ’tis the very riches of thyself That now I aim at.
Anne Page	Gentle Master Fenton, Yet seek my father’s love; still seek it, sir. If opportunity and humblest suit Cannot attain it, why then⁠—hark you hither.
	They converse apart.
	Enter Justice Shallow, Slender, and Mistress Quickly.
Justice Shallow	Break their talk, Mistress Quickly: my kinsman shall speak for himself. She draws near the lovers.
Slender	Pale. I’ll make a shaft or a bolt on’t. ’Slid, ’tis but venturing.
Justice Shallow	Be not dismayed.
Slender	No, she shall not dismay me. I care not for that, but that I am afeard.
Mistress Quickly	To Anne Page. Hark ye; Master Slender would speak a word with you.
Anne Page	I come to him. Aside. This is my father’s choice. O, what a world of vile ill-favour’d faults Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year!
Mistress Quickly	Steps between them. And how does good Master Fenton? Pray you, a word with you. Anne moves away.
Justice Shallow	She’s coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a father!
Slender	I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell you good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress Anne the jest how my father stole two geese out of a pen, good uncle.
Justice Shallow	Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.
Slender	Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman in Gloucestershire.
Justice Shallow	He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.
Slender	Ay, that I will come cut and long-tail, under the degree of a squire.
Justice Shallow	He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure.
Anne Page	Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself.
Justice Shallow	Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that good comfort. She calls you, coz; I’ll leave you. He stands aside.
Anne Page	Now, Master Slender.
Slender	Plucking his beard. Now, good Mistress Anne.⁠—
Anne Page	What is your will?
Slender	My will! ’od’s heartlings, that’s a pretty jest indeed! I ne’er made my will yet, I thank heaven; I am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise.
Anne Page	I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me?
Slender	Casting down his eyes. Truly, for mine own part I would little or nothing with you. Your father and my uncle hath made motions; if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man be his dole! They can tell you how things go better than I can. You may ask your father; here he comes.
	Enter Page* and Mistress Page.*
Page	Now, Master Slender: love him, daughter Anne. Why, how now! what does Master Fenton here? You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house: I told you, sir, my daughter is dispos’d of.
Fenton	Nay, Master Page, be not impatient.
Mistress Page	Good Master Fenton, come not to my child.
Page	She is no match for you.
Fenton	Sir, will you hear me?
Page	No, good Master Fenton. Come, Master Shallow; come, son Slender, in. Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.
	Exeunt Page, Justice Shallow, and Slender.
Mistress Quickly	Speak to Mistress Page.
Fenton	Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter In such a righteous fashion as I do, Perforce, against all checks, rebukes, and manners, I must advance the colours of my love And not retire: let me have your good will.
Anne Page	Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool.
Mistress Page	I mean it not; I seek you a better husband.
Mistress Quickly	That’s my master, Master doctor.
Anne Page	Alas! I had rather be set quick i’ the earth. And bowl’d to death with turnips.
Mistress Page	Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master Fenton, I will not be your friend, nor enemy; My daughter will I question how she loves you, And as I find her, so am I affected. Till then, farewell, sir: she must needs go in; Her father will be angry.
	Exeunt Mistress Page.* Anne Page follows, turning at the door.*
Fenton	Farewell, gentle mistress. Farewell, Nan.
	The door closes.
Mistress Quickly	This is my doing now: “Nay,” said I, “will you cast away your child on a fool, and a physician? Look on Master Fenton.” This is my doing.
Fenton	I thank thee; and I pray thee, once tonight Give my sweet Nan this ring. There’s for thy pains.
	Fenton thrusts money in her hands and exits.
Mistress Quickly	Now Heaven send thee good fortune! A kind heart he hath; a woman would run through fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet I would my master had Mistress Anne; or I would Master Slender had her; or, in sooth, I would Master Fenton had her; I will do what I can for them all three, for so I have promised, and I’ll be as good as my word; but speciously for Master Fenton. Well, I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff from my two mistresses: what a beast am I to slack it!
	Exit.

Scene V

A room in the Garter Inn

	Enter Falstaff* from his chamber.*
Falstaff	Bardolph, I say⁠—
	Enter Bardolph.
Bardolph	Here, sir.
Falstaff	Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in’t.
	Exit Bardolph.
	Sits. Have I lived to be carried in a basket, and to be thrown in the Thames like a barrow of butcher’s offal? Well, if I be served such another trick, I’ll have my brains ta’en out and buttered, and give them to a dog for a new year’s gift. The rogues slighted me into the river with as little remorse as they would have drowned a blind bitch’s puppies, fifteen i’ the litter; and you may know by my size that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as hell I should down. I had been drowned but that the shore was shelvy and shallow; a death that I abhor, for the water swells a man; and what a thing should I have been when had been swelled! I should have been a mountain of mummy.
	Re-enter Bardolph, with two cups of sack.
Bardolph	Here’s Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you. He sets cups down.
Falstaff	Takes one. Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for my belly’s as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs for pills to cool the reins. He drains the cup. Call her in.
Bardolph	Opening the door. Come in, woman.
	Enter Mistress Quickly.
Mistress Quickly	Curtsies. By your leave. I cry you mercy. Give your worship good morrow.
Falstaff	Empties the second cup. Take away these chalices. Go, brew me a pottle of sack finely.
Bardolph	Takes up the cups. With eggs, sir?
Falstaff	Simple of itself; I’ll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.
	Exit Bardolph.
	How now!
Mistress Quickly	Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford.
Falstaff	Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was thrown into the ford; I have my belly full of ford.
Mistress Quickly	Alas the day! good heart, that was not her fault: she does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection.
Falstaff	So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman’s promise.
Mistress Quickly	Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her between eight and nine; I must carry her word quickly. She’ll make you amends, I warrant you.
Falstaff	Well, I will visit her. Tell her so; and bid her think what a man is; let her consider his frailty, and then judge of my merit.
Mistress Quickly	I will tell her.
Falstaff	Do so. Between nine and ten, sayest thou?
Mistress Quickly	Eight and nine, sir.
Falstaff	Well, be gone; I will not miss her.
Mistress Quickly	Peace be with you, sir.
	Exit Mistress Quickly.
Falstaff	I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me word to stay within. I like his money well. O! here he comes.
	Enter Ford* disguised as Brook.*
Ford	Bless you, sir!
Falstaff	Now, Master Brook, you come to know what hath passed between me and Ford’s wife?
Ford	That, indeed, Sir John, is my business.
Falstaff	Master Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at her house the hour she appointed me.
Ford	And how sped you, sir?
Falstaff	Very ill-favouredly, Master Brook.
Ford	How so, sir? did she change her determination?
Falstaff	No. Master Brook; but the peaking cornuto her husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual ’larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither provoked and instigated by his distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife’s love.
Ford	What! while you were there?
Falstaff	While I was there.
Ford	And did he search for you, and could not find you?
Falstaff	You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes in one Mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford’s approach; and, in her invention and Ford’s wife’s distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket.
Ford	A buck-basket!
Falstaff	By the Lord, a buck-basket! rammed me in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy napkins, that, Master Brook, there was the rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril.
Ford	And how long lay you there?
Falstaff	Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford’s knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their mistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes to Datchet-lane; they took me on their shoulders; met the jealous knave their master in the door; who asked them once or twice what they had in their basket. I quaked for fear lest the lunatic knave would have searched it; but Fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well, on went he for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master Brook: I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first, an intolerable fright to be detected with a jealous rotten bellwether; next, to be compassed like a good bilbo in the circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in, like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease: think of that; a man of my kidney, think of that, that am as subject to heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw: it was a miracle to ’scape suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I was more than half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot, in that surge, like a horseshoe; think of that, hissing hot, think of that, Master Brook!
Ford	In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my sake you have suffered all this. My suit, then, is desperate; you’ll undertake her no more.
Falstaff	Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is this morning gone a-birding; I have received from her another embassy of meeting; ’twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master Brook.
Ford	’Tis past eight already, sir.
Falstaff	Is it? I will then address me to my appointment. Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall know how I speed, and the conclusion shall be crowned with your enjoying her: adieu. You shall have her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford.
	Exit Falstaff.
Ford	Hum! ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I sleep? Master Ford, awake; awake, Master Ford. There’s a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford. This ’tis to be married; this ’tis to have linen and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself what I am; I will now take the lecher; he is at my house. He cannot scape me; ’tis impossible he should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse, nor into a pepper box; but, lest the devil that guides him should aid him, I will search impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not, shall not make me tame; if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go with me; I’ll be horn-mad.
	Exit.

Act IV

Scene I

A street before the house of Mistress Page.

	Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Quickly, and William.
Mistress Page	Is he at Master Ford’s already, think’st thou?
Mistress Quickly	Sure he is by this; or will be presently; but truly he is very courageous mad about his throwing into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly.
Mistress Page	I’ll be with her by and by; I’ll but bring my young man here to school. Look where his master comes; ’tis a playing day, I see.
	Enter Sir Hugh Evans.
	How now, Sir Hugh, no school today?
Sir Hugh Evans	No; Master Slender is let the boys leave to play.
Mistress Quickly	Blessing of his heart!
Mistress Page	Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits nothing in the world at his book; I pray you ask him some questions in his accidence.
Sir Hugh Evans	Come hither, William; hold up your head; come.
Mistress Page	Come on, sirrah; hold up your head; answer your master; be not afraid.
Sir Hugh Evans	William, how many numbers is in nouns?
William	Two
Mistress Quickly	Truly, I thought there had been one number more, because they say “Od’s nouns.”
Sir Hugh Evans	Peace your tattlings! What is “fair,” William?
William	Pulcher.
Mistress Quickly	Polecats! There are fairer things than polecats, sure.
Sir Hugh Evans	You are a very simplicity ’oman; I pray you, peace. What is “lapis,” William?
William	A stone.
Sir Hugh Evans	And what is “a stone,” William?
William	A pebble.
Sir Hugh Evans	No, it is “lapis”; I pray you remember in your prain.
William	Lapis.
Sir Hugh Evans	That is a good William. What is he, William, that does lend articles?
William	Articles are borrowed of the pronoun, and be thus declined: Singulariter, nominativo; hic, haec, hoc.
Sir Hugh Evans	Nominativo, hig, hag, hog; pray you, mark: genitivo, hujus. Well, what is your accusative case?
William	Accusativo, hinc.
Sir Hugh Evans	I pray you, have your remembrance, child. Accusativo, hung, hang, hog.
Mistress Quickly	“Hang-hog” is Latin for bacon, I warrant you.
Sir Hugh Evans	Leave your prabbles, ’oman. What is the focative case, William?
William	Scratches his head. O vocativo, O.
Sir Hugh Evans	Remember, William: focative is caret.
Mistress Quickly	And that’s a good root.
Sir Hugh Evans	’Oman, forbear.
Mistress Page	Peace.
Sir Hugh Evans	What is your genitive case plural, William?
William	Genitive case?
Sir Hugh Evans	Ay.
William	Genitive: horum, harum, horum.
Mistress Quickly	Vengeance of Jenny’s case; fie on her! Never name her, child, if she be a whore.
Sir Hugh Evans	For shame, ’oman.
Mistress Quickly	You do ill to teach the child such words. He teaches him to hick and to hack, which they’ll do fast enough of themselves; and to call “horum;” fie upon you!
Sir Hugh Evans	’Oman, art thou lunatics? Hast thou no understandings for thy cases, and the numbers of the genders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as I would desires.
Mistress Page	To Mistress Quickly. Prithee, hold thy peace.
Sir Hugh Evans	Show me now, William, some declensions of your pronouns.
William	Forsooth, I have forgot.
Sir Hugh Evans	It is qui, quae, quod; if you forget your “quis,” your “quaes,” and your “quods,” you must be preeches. Go your ways and play; go.
Mistress Page	He is a better scholar than I thought he was.
Sir Hugh Evans	He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mistress Page.
Mistress Page	Adieu, good Sir Hugh.
	Exit Sir Hugh Evans.
	Get you home, boy. Come, we stay too long.
	Exeunt.

Scene II

A room in Ford’s house; the buck-basket in a corner.

	Enter Falstaff* and Mistress Ford.*
Falstaff	Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love, and I profess requital to a hair’s breadth; not only, Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement, complement, and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your husband now?
Mistress Ford	He’s a-birding, sweet Sir John.
Mistress Page	Within. What ho! gossip Ford, what ho!
Mistress Ford	Opening a door. Step into the chamber, Sir John.
	Exit Falstaff, leaving the door ajar.
	Enter Mistress Page.
Mistress Page	How now, sweetheart! who’s at home besides yourself?
Mistress Ford	Why, none but mine own people.
Mistress Page	Indeed!
Mistress Ford	No, certainly.⁠—Aside to her. Speak louder.
Mistress Page	Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.
Mistress Ford	Why?
Mistress Page	Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again. He so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails against all married mankind; so curses all Eve’s daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying “Peer out, peer out!” that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but tameness, civility, and patience, to this his distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat knight is not here.
Mistress Ford	Why, does he talk of him?
Mistress Page	Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a basket; protests to my husband he is now here; and hath drawn him and the rest of their company from their sport, to make another experiment of his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery.
Mistress Ford	How near is he, Mistress Page?
Mistress Page	Hard by, at street end; he will be here anon.
Mistress Ford	I am undone! the knight is here.
Mistress Page	Why, then, you are utterly shamed, and he’s but a dead man. What a woman are you! Away with him, away with him! better shame than murder.
	Falstaff peers forth from the chamber.
Mistress Ford	Which way should he go? How should I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket again?
	Re-enter Falstaff.
Falstaff	No, I’ll come no more i’ the basket. May I not go out ere he come?
Mistress Page	Alas! three of Master Ford’s brothers watch the door with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise you might slip away ere he came. But what make you here?
Falstaff	What shall I do? I’ll creep up into the chimney.
Mistress Ford	There they always use to discharge their birding-pieces.
Mistress Page	Creep into the kiln-hole.
Falstaff	Where is it?
Mistress Ford	He will seek there, on my word. Neither press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his note: there is no hiding you in the house.
Falstaff	At bay. I’ll go out then.
Mistress Page	If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir John. Unless you go out disguised⁠—
Mistress Ford	How might we disguise him?
Mistress Page	Alas the day! I know not! There is no woman’s gown big enough for him; otherwise he might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape.
Falstaff	Good hearts, devise something: any extremity rather than a mischief.
Mistress Ford	My maid’s aunt, the fat woman of Brainford, has a gown above.
Mistress Page	On my word, it will serve him; she’s as big as he is; and there’s her thrummed hat, and her muffler too. Run up, Sir John.
Mistress Ford	Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page and I will look some linen for your head.
Mistress Page	Quick, quick! we’ll come dress you straight; put on the gown the while.
	Exit Falstaff.
Mistress Ford	I would my husband would meet him in this shape; he cannot abide the old woman of Brainford; he swears she’s a witch, forbade her my house, and hath threatened to beat her.
Mistress Page	Heaven guide him to thy husband’s cudgel; and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!
Mistress Ford	But is my husband coming?
Mistress Page	Ay, in good sadness is he; and talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.
Mistress Ford	We’ll try that; for I’ll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with it as they did last time.
Mistress Page	Nay, but he’ll be here presently; let’s go dress him like the witch of Brainford.
Mistress Ford	I’ll first direct my men what they shall do with the basket. Go up; I’ll bring linen for him straight.
Mistress Page	Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough.
	Exit Mistress Ford.
	We’ll leave a proof, by that which we will do, Wives may be merry and yet honest too. We do not act that often jest and laugh; ’Tis old but true: “Still swine eats all the draff.”
	Exit.
	Re-enter Mistress Ford, with two Servants.
Mistress Ford	Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders; your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it down, obey him. Quickly, dispatch.
	Exit Mistress Ford* with linen from cupboard.*
First Servant	Come, come, take it up.
Second Servant	Pray heaven, it be not full of knight again.
First Servant	I hope not; I had lief as bear so much lead. They lift the basket.
	Enter Ford, Page, Justice Shallow, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Ford	Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any way then to unfool me again? The basket catches his eye. Set down the basket, villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket! O you panderly rascals! there’s a knot, a ging, a pack, a conspiracy against me. Now shall the devil be shamed. Chokes. What, wife, I say! Come, come forth! behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching!
Page	Why, this passes, Master Ford! you are not to go loose any longer; you must be pinioned.
Sir Hugh Evans	Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad dog.
Justice Shallow	Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.
Ford	So say I too, sir.⁠—
	Re-enter Mistress Ford.
	Come hither, Mistress Ford, pointing the honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband! She confronts him. I suspect without cause, Mistress, do I?
Mistress Ford	Calm. Heaven be my witness, you do, if you suspect me in any dishonesty.
Ford	Well said, brazen-face! hold it out. Come forth, sirrah. Pulling clothes out of the basket in a fury.
Page	This passes!
Mistress Ford	Are you not ashamed? Let the clothes alone.
Ford	I shall find you anon.
Sir Hugh Evans	’Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your wife’s clothes? To the others. Come away.
Ford	To the servants. Empty the basket, I say!
Mistress Ford	Why, man, why?
Ford	Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed out of my house yesterday in this basket: why may not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is; my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable. Pluck me out all the linen. Page assists him.
Mistress Ford	If you find a man there, he shall die a flea’s death.
Page	Here’s no man. He overturns the empty basket.
Justice Shallow	By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this wrongs you.
Sir Hugh Evans	Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the imaginations of your own heart; this is jealousies.
Ford	Well, he’s not here I seek for.
Page	No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.
	Exit Servants, carrying away the basket.
Ford	Help to search my house this one time. If I find not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; let me forever be your table-sport; let them say of me “As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow walnut for his wife’s leman.” Satisfy me once more; once more search with me.
Mistress Ford	What, hoa, Mistress Page! Come you and the old woman down; my husband will come into the chamber.
Ford	Old woman? what old woman’s that?
Mistress Ford	Why, it is my maid’s aunt of Brainford.
Ford	A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does she? We are simple men; we do not know what’s brought to pass under the profession of fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, by the figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond our element. We know nothing. He takes down his cudgel from the wall. Come down, you witch, you hag you; come down, I say!
Mistress Ford	Nay, good sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let him not strike the old woman.
	Re-enter Falstaff* in woman’s clothes, led by Mistress Page. He hesitates.*
Mistress Page	Come, Mother Prat; come, give me your hand.
Ford	I’ll prat her.⁠—Falstaff runs; Ford cudgels. Out of my door, you witch, you rag, you baggage, you polecat, you ronyon! Out, out! I’ll conjure you, I’ll fortune-tell you.
	Exit Falstaff.
Mistress Page	Are you not ashamed? I think you have killed the poor woman.
Mistress Ford	Nay, he will do it. ’Tis a goodly credit for you.
Ford	Hang her, witch!
Sir Hugh Evans	By yea and no, I think the ’oman is a witch indeed; I like not when a ’oman has a great peard; I spy a great peard under her muffler.
Ford	Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you follow; see but the issue of my jealousy; if I cry out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open again.
Page	Let’s obey his humour a little further. Come, gentlemen.
	Exeunt Ford, Page, Justice Shallow, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Mistress Page	Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
Mistress Ford	Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat him most unpitifully methought.
Mistress Page	I’ll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o’er the altar; it hath done meritorious service.
Mistress Ford	What think you? May we, with the warrant of womanhood and the witness of a good conscience, pursue him with any further revenge?
Mistress Page	The spirit of wantonness is sure scared out of him; if the devil have him not in fee-simple, with fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the way of waste, attempt us again.
Mistress Ford	Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him?
Mistress Page	Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the figures out of your husband’s brains. If they can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be the ministers.
Mistress Ford	I’ll warrant they’ll have him publicly shamed; and methinks there would be no period to the jest, should he not be publicly shamed.
Mistress Page	Come, to the forge with it then; shape it. I would not have things cool.
	Exeunt.

Scene III

A room in the Garter Inn.

	Enter Host* and Bardolph.*
Bardolph	Sir, the Germans desire to have three of your horses; the Duke himself will be tomorrow at court, and they are going to meet him.
Host	What duke should that be comes so secretly? I hear not of him in the court. Let me speak with the gentlemen; they speak English?
Bardolph	Ay, sir; I’ll call them to you.
Host	They shall have my horses, but I’ll make them pay; I’ll sauce them; they have had my house a week at command; I have turned away my other guests. They must come off; I’ll sauce them. Come.
	Exeunt.

Scene IV

A room in Ford’s house.

	Enter Page, Ford, Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Sir Hugh Evans	’Tis one of the best discretions of a ’oman as ever I did look upon.
Page	And did he send you both these letters at an instant?
Mistress Page	Within a quarter of an hour.
Ford	Kneeling. Pardon me, wife. Henceforth, do what thou wilt;
Page	I rather will suspect the sun with cold Than thee with wantonness: now doth thy honour stand, In him that was of late an heretic, As firm as faith.
Page	’Tis well, ’tis well; no more. Be not as extreme in submission As in offence; But let our plot go forward: let our wives Yet once again, to make us public sport, Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow, Where we may take him and disgrace him for it.
Ford	There is no better way than that they spoke of.
Page	How? To send him word they’ll meet him in the park at midnight? Fie, fie! he’ll never come!
Sir Hugh Evans	You say he has been thrown in the rivers; and has been grievously peaten as an old ’oman; methinks there should be terrors in him, that he should not come; methinks his flesh is punished; he shall have no desires.
Page	So think I too.
Mistress Ford	Devise but how you’ll use him when he comes, And let us two devise to bring him thither.
Mistress Page	There is an old tale goes that Herne the hunter, Sometime a keeper here in Windsor Forest, Doth all the wintertime, at still midnight, Walk round about an oak, with great ragg’d horns; And there he blasts the tree, and takes the cattle, And makes milch-kine yield blood, and shakes a chain In a most hideous and dreadful manner: You have heard of such a spirit, and well you know The superstitious idle-headed eld Received, and did deliver to our age, This tale of Herne the hunter for a truth.
Page	Why, yet there want not many that do fear In deep of night to walk by this Herne’s oak. But what of this?
Mistress Ford	Marry, this is our device; That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us, Disguis’d, like Herne, with huge horns on his head.
Page	Well, let it not be doubted but he’ll come, And in this shape. When you have brought him thither, What shall be done with him? What is your plot?
Mistress Page	That likewise have we thought upon, and thus: Nan Page my daughter, and my little son, And three or four more of their growth, we’ll dress Like urchins, ouphs, and fairies, green and white, With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads, And rattles in their hands. Upon a sudden, As Falstaff, she, and I, are newly met, Let them from forth a sawpit rush at once With some diffuséd song; upon their sight We two in great amazédness will fly: Then let them all encircle him about, And fairy-like, to pinch the unclean knight; And ask him why, that hour of fairy revel, In their so sacred paths he dares to tread In shape profane.
Mistress Ford	And till he tell the truth, Let the supposéd fairies pinch him sound, And burn him with their tapers.
Mistress Page	The truth being known, We’ll all present ourselves; dis-horn the spirit, And mock him home to Windsor.
Ford	The children must Be practis’d well to this or they’ll ne’er do’t.
Sir Hugh Evans	I will teach the children their behaviours; and I will be like a jack-an-apes also, to burn the knight with my taber.
Ford	That will be excellent. I’ll go buy them vizards.
Mistress Page	My Nan shall be the Queen of all the Fairies, Finely attired in a robe of white.
Page	That silk will I go buy. Aside. And in that time Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away, And marry her at Eton. Go, send to Falstaff straight.
Ford	To Page. Nay, I’ll to him again, in name of Brook; He’ll tell me all his purpose. Sure, he’ll come.
Mistress Page	Fear not you that. Go, get us properties And tricking for our fairies.
Sir Hugh Evans	Let us about it. It is admirable pleasures, and fery honest knaveries.
	Exeunt Page, Ford, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Mistress Page	Go, Mistress Ford. Send Quickly to Sir John to know his mind.
	Exit Mistress Ford.
	I’ll to the Doctor; he hath my good will, And none but he, to marry with Nan Page. That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot; And he my husband best of all affects: The Doctor is well money’d, and his friends Potent at court: he, none but he, shall have her, Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her.
	Exit.

Scene V

A room in the Garter Inn.

	Enter Host* and Simple.*
Host	What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thick-skin? Speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.
Simple	Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff from Master Slender.
Host	Points. There’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed and truckle-bed; ’tis painted about with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go knock and call; he’ll speak like an Anthropophaginian unto thee; knock, I say.
Simple	There’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber; I’ll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down; I come to speak with her, indeed.
Host	Ha! a fat woman? The knight may be robbed. I’ll call. Bully knight! Bully Sir John! Speak from thy lungs military. Art thou there? It is thine host, thine Ephesian, calls.
Falstaff	Above. How now, mine host?
Host	Here’s a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her descend; my chambers are honourible. Fie! privacy? fie!
	Enter Falstaff.
Falstaff	There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with, me; but she’s gone.
Simple	Pray you, sir, was’t not the wise woman of Brainford?
Falstaff	Ay, marry was it, mussel-shell: what would you with her?
Simple	My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her, seeing her go thorough the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the chain or no.
Falstaff	I spake with the old woman about it.
Simple	And what says she, I pray, sir?
Falstaff	Marry, she says that the very same man that beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of it.
Simple	I would I could have spoken with the woman herself; I had other things to have spoken with her too, from him.
Falstaff	What are they? Let us know.
Host	Ay, come; quick.
Simple	I may not conceal them, sir.
Falstaff	Threatening him. Conceal them, or thou diest.
Simple	Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne Page: to know if it were my master’s fortune to have her or no.
Falstaff	’Tis, ’tis his fortune.
Simple	What sir?
Falstaff	To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so.
Simple	May I be bold to say so, sir?
Falstaff	Ay, Sir Tike; like who more bold?
Simple	I thank your worship; I shall make my master glad with these tidings.
	Exit Simple.
Host	Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was there a wise woman with thee?
Falstaff	Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught me more wit than ever I learned before in my life; and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning.
	Enter Bardolph, mired and breathless.
Bardolph	Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage!
Host	Where be my horses? Speak well of them, varletto.
Bardolph	Run away, with the cozeners; for so soon as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off, from behind one of them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away, like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.
Host	They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain; do not say they be fled; Germans are honest men.
	Enter Sir Hugh Evans.
Sir Hugh Evans	Where is mine host?
Host	What is the matter, sir?
Sir Hugh Evans	Have a care of your entertainments: there is a friend of mine come to town tells me there is three cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts of Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look you; you are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stogs, and ’tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.
	Exit Sir Hugh Evans.
	Enter Doctor Caius.
Doctor Caius	Vere is mine host de Jarteer?
Host	Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.
Doctor Caius	I cannot tell vat is dat; but it is tell-a me dat you make grand preparation for a Duke de Jamany. By my trot, dere is no duke that the court is know to come; I tell you for good will: Adieu.
	Exit Doctor Caius.
Host	Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight; I am undone. Fly, run, hue and cry, villain; I am undone!
	Exeunt Host* and Bardolph.*
Falstaff	I would all the world might be cozened, for I have been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to the ear of the court how I have been transformed, and how my transformation hath been washed and cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, and liquor fishermen’s boots with me; I warrant they would whip me with their fine wits till I were as crestfallen as a dried pear. I never prospered since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.
	Enter Mistress Quickly.
	Now! whence come you?
Mistress Quickly	From the two parties, forsooth.
Falstaff	The devil take one party and his dam the other! And so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more for their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy of man’s disposition is able to bear.
Mistress Quickly	And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant; speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her.
Falstaff	What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow; and was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brainford. But that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered me, the knave constable had set me i’ the stocks, i’ the common stocks, for a witch.
Mistress Quickly	Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber; you shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so crossed.
Falstaff	Come up into my chamber.
	Exeunt.

Scene VI

Another room in the Garter Inn.

	Enter Fenton* and Host.*
Host	Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy; I will give over all.
Fenton	Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose, And, as I am a gentleman, I’ll give thee A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.
Host	I will hear you, Master Fenton; and I will, at the least, keep your counsel.
Fenton	From time to time I have acquainted you With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page, Who, mutually, hath answered my affection, So far forth as herself might be her chooser, Even to my wish. I have a letter from her Of such contents as you will wonder at; The mirth whereof so larded with my matter That neither, singly, can be manifested Without the show of both; wherein fat Falstaff Hath a great scare: the image of the jest He peruses the letter. I’ll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host: Tonight at Herne’s oak, just ’twixt twelve and one, Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen; The purpose why is here: in which disguise, While other jests are something rank on foot, Her father hath commanded her to slip Away with Slender, and with him at Eton Immediately to marry; she hath consented: Now, sir, Her mother, even strong against that match And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed That he shall likewise shuffle her away, While other sports are tasking of their minds; And at the deanery, where a priest attends, Straight marry her: to this her mother’s plot She seemingly obedient likewise hath Made promise to the doctor. Now thus it rests: Her father means she shall be all in white; And in that habit, when Slender sees his time To take her by the hand and bid her go, She shall go with him: her mother hath intended The better to denote her to the doctor⁠— For they must all be mask’d and vizarded⁠— That quaint in green she shall be loose enrob’d, With ribands pendent, flaring ’bout her head; And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe, To pinch her by the hand: and, on that token, The maid hath given consent to go with him.
Host	Which means she to deceive, father or mother?
Fenton	Both, my good host, to go along with me: And here it rests, that you’ll procure the vicar To stay for me at church, ’twixt twelve and one, And in the lawful name of marrying, To give our hearts united ceremony.
Host	Well, husband your device; I’ll to the vicar. Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.
Fenton	So shall I evermore be bound to thee; Besides, I’ll make a present recompense.
	Exeunt.

Act V

Scene I

A room in the Garter Inn.

	Enter Falstaff* and Mistress Quickly.*
Falstaff	Prithee, no more prattling; go: I’ll hold. This is the third time; I hope good luck lies in odd numbers. Away! go. They say there is divinity in odd numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death. Away!
Mistress Quickly	I’ll provide you a chain, and I’ll do what I can to get you a pair of horns.
Falstaff	Away, I say; time wears; hold up your head, and mince.
	Exit Mistress Quickly.
	Enter Ford.
	How now, Master Brook! Master Brook, the matter will be known tonight, or never. Be you in the Park about midnight, at Herne’s oak, and you shall see wonders.
Ford	Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me you had appointed?
Falstaff	I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, like a poor old man; but I came from her, Master Brook, like a poor old woman. That same knave Ford, her husband, hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, Master Brook, that ever governed frenzy. I will tell you: he beat me grievously in the shape of a woman; for in the shape of man, Master Brook, I fear not Goliath with a weaver’s beam, because I know also life is a shuttle. I am in haste; go along with me; I’ll tell you all, Master Brook. Donning his coat. Since I plucked geese, played truant, and whipped top, I knew not what ’twas to be beaten till lately. At the door. Follow me: I’ll tell you strange things of this knave Ford, on whom tonight I will be revenged, and I will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow. Strange things in hand, Master Brook! Follow.
	Exeunt.

Scene II

The outskirts of Windsor Park; night.

	Enter Page, Justice Shallow, and Slender, with a lantern.
Page	Come, come; we’ll couch i’ the castle-ditch till we see the light of our fairies. Remember, son Slender, my daughter.
Slender	Ay, forsooth; I have spoke with her, and we have a nay-word how to know one another. I come to her in white and cry “mum”; she cries “budget,” and by that we know one another.
Justice Shallow	That’s good too; but what needs either your “mum” or her “budget”? The white will decipher her well enough. It hath struck ten o’clock.
Page	The night is dark; light and spirits will become it well. Heaven prosper our sport! No man means evil but the devil, and we shall know him by his horns. Let’s away; follow me.
	Exeunt.

Scene III

The street in Windsor.

	Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and Doctor Caius.
Mistress Page	Master Doctor, my daughter is in green; when you see your time, take her by the hand, away with her to the deanery, and dispatch it quickly. Go before into the Park; we two must go together.
Doctor Caius	I know vat I have to do; adieu.
Mistress Page	Fare you well, sir.
	Exit Doctor Caius.
	My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff as he will chafe at the doctor’s marrying my daughter; but ’tis no matter; better a little chiding than a great deal of heart break.
Mistress Ford	Where is Nan now, and her troop of fairies, and the Welsh devil, Hugh?
Mistress Page	They are all couched in a pit hard by Herne’s oak, with obscured lights; which, at the very instant of Falstaff’s and our meeting, they will at once display to the night.
Mistress Ford	That cannot choose but amaze him.
Mistress Page	If he be not amazed, he will be mocked; if he be amazed, he will every way be mocked.
Mistress Ford	We’ll betray him finely.
Mistress Page	Against such lewdsters and their lechery, Those that betray them do no treachery.
Mistress Ford	The hour draws on: to the oak, to the oak!
	Exeunt.

Scene IV

Windsor Park.

	The Fairies approach, dancing, with masked lights; Sir Hugh Evans, disguised as a satyr in frieze and horns, Pistol attired as Puck, Mistress Quickly in white as Fairy Queen, Anne Page with William and many others in red, black, grey, green and white.
Sir Hugh Evans	Trib, trib, fairies; come; and remember your parts. Be pold, I pray you; follow me into the pit; and when I give the watch-ords, do as I pid you. Come, come; trib, trib.
	Exeunt.

Scene V

Beneath a mighty oak in another part of the park.

	Enter Falstaff* disguised as Herne the hunter with a buck’s head on.*
Falstaff	The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the minute draws on. Now the hot-blooded gods assist me! Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa; love set on thy horns. O powerful love! that in some respects, makes a beast a man; in some other a man a beast. You were also, Jupiter, a swan, for the love of Leda. O omnipotent love! how near the god drew to the complexion of a goose! A fault done first in the form of a beast; O Jove, a beastly fault! and then another fault in the semblance of a fowl: think on’t, Jove, a foul fault! When gods have hot backs what shall poor men do? For me, I am here a Windsor stag; and the fattest, I think, i’ the forest. Send me a cool rut-time, Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow? Who comes here? my doe?
	Enter Mistress Ford* and Mistress Page.*
Mistress Ford	Sir John! Art thou there, my deer? my male deer?
Falstaff	My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain potatoes; let it thunder to the tune of “Greensleeves”; hail kissing-comfits and snow eringoes; let there come a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me here.
	Embracing her.
Mistress Ford	Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart.
Falstaff	Divide me like a brib’d buck, each a haunch; I will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the fellow of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your husbands. Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Herne the hunter? Why, now is Cupid a child of conscience; he makes restitution. As I am a true spirit, welcome!
	Noise within.
Mistress Page	Alas! what noise?
Mistress Ford	Heaven forgive our sins!
Falstaff	What should this be?
Mistress Ford	Away, away!
Mistress Page	Away, away!
	They run off.
Falstaff	I think the devil will not have me damned, lest the oil that’s in me should set hell on fire; he would never else cross me thus.
	A sudden burst of light; the Fairies appear with crowns of fire and rattles in their hands led by Sir Hugh Evans like a Satyr, holding a taper, Pistol as a Puck, Mistress Quickly as Fairy Queen, Anne Page as a Fairy, and others; they dance towards Falstaff singing.
Mistress Quickly	Fairies, black, grey, green, and white, You moonshine revellers, and shades of night, You orphan heirs of fixéd destiny, Attend your office and your quality. Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes.
Pistol	Elves, list your names: silence, you airy toys! They are still. Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap: Where fires thou find’st unrak’d, and hearths unswept, There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry: Our radiant Queen hates sluts and sluttery.
Falstaff	They are fairies; he that speaks to them shall die: I’ll wink and couch: no man their works must eye.
	Lies down upon his face at the foot of the oak.
Sir Hugh Evans	Where’s Bede? Go you, and where you find a maid That, ere she sleep, has thrice her prayers said, Rein up the organs of her fantasy, Sleep she as sound as careless infancy; But those as sleep and think not on their sins, Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides, and shins.
Mistress Quickly	About, about! Search Windsor castle, elves, within and out: Strew good luck, ouphes, on every sacred room, That it may stand till the perpetual doom, In state as wholesome as in state ’tis fit, Worthy the owner and the owner it. The several chairs of order look you scour With juice of balm and every precious flower: Each fair instalment, coat, and several crest, With loyal blazon, evermore be blest! And nightly, meadow-fairies, look you sing, Like to the Garter’s compass, in a ring: The expressure that it bears, green let it be, More fertile-fresh than all the field to see; And “Honi soit qui mal y pense” write In emerald tufts, flowers purple, blue and white; Like sapphire, pearl, and rich embroidery, Buckled below fair knighthood’s bending knee. Fairies use flowers for their charactery. Away! disperse! But, till ’tis one o’clock, Our dance of custom round about the oak Of Herne the hunter let us not forget.
Sir Hugh Evans	Pray you, lock hand in hand; yourselves in order set; The Fairies encircle the oak. And twenty glowworms shall our lanterns be, To guide our measure round about the tree. But, stay; I smell a man of middle-earth.
Falstaff	Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy, lest he transform me to a piece of cheese!
Pistol	Vile worm, thou wast o’erlook’d even in thy birth.
Anne Page	With trial-fire touch me his finger-end: If he be chaste, the flame will back descend And turn him to no pain; but if he start, It is the flesh of a corrupted heart.
Pistol	A trial! come.
Sir Hugh Evans	Setting his lights to the buck’s horns Come, will this wood take fire?
	They burn him with their tapers.
Falstaff	Oh, oh, oh!
Anne Page	Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire! About him, fairies; sing a scornful rhyme; And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time.
	The Fairies dance about him and sing.
All	Fie on sinful fantasy! Fie on lust and luxury! Lust is but a bloody fire, Kindled with unchaste desire, Fed in heart, whose flames aspire, As thoughts do blow them, higher and higher. Pinch him, fairies, mutually; Pinch him for his villany; Pinch him and burn him and turn him about, Till candles and starlight and moonshine be out.
	During this song the Fairies pinch Falstaff. Doctor Caius comes one way, and steals away a fairy in green; Slender another way, and takes off a fairy in white; and Fenton comes, and steals away Anne Page. A noise of hunting is heard within. All the Fairies run away. Falstaff pulls off his buck’s head, and seeks to escape.
	Enter Page, Ford, Mistress Page, Mistress Ford. They lay hold on Falstaff.
Page	Nay, do not fly; I think we have watch’d you now:
	Falstaff seeks to hide his face within the buck’s head once again.
	Will none but Herne the hunter serve your turn?
Mistress Page	I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher. Falstaff casts the buck’s head from him. Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives? Points to horns. See you these, husband? do not these fair yokes Become the forest better than the town?
Ford	Now, sir, who’s a cuckold now? Master Brook, Falstaff’s a knave, a cuckoldly knave; here are his horns, Master Brook; and, Master Brook, he hath enjoyed nothing of Ford’s but his buck-basket, his cudgel, and twenty pounds of money, which must be paid to Master Brook; his horses are arrested for it, Master Brook.
Mistress Ford	Sir John, we have had ill luck; we could never meet. I will never take you for my love again; but I will always count you my deer.
Falstaff	I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass.
Ford	Ay, and an ox too; both the proofs are extant.
Falstaff	And these are not fairies? I was three or four times in the thought they were not fairies; and yet the guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise of my powers, drove the grossness of the foppery into a received belief, in despite of the teeth of all rhyme and reason, that they were fairies. See now how wit may be made a Jack-a-Lent when ’tis upon ill employment!
	Enter Sir Hugh Evans* without his satyr mask.*
Sir Hugh Evans	Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave your desires, and fairies will not pinse you.
Ford	Well said, fairy Hugh.
Sir Hugh Evans	And leave you your jealousies too, I pray you.
Ford	I will never mistrust my wife again, till thou art able to woo her in good English.
Falstaff	Have I laid my brain in the sun, and dried it, that it wants matter to prevent so gross o’er-reaching as this? Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too? Shall I have a coxcomb of frieze? ’Tis time I were choked with a piece of toasted cheese.
Sir Hugh Evans	Seese is not good to give putter: your belly is all putter.
Falstaff	“Seese” and “putter”! Have I lived to stand at the taunt of one that makes fritters of English? This is enough to be the decay of lust and late-walking through the realm.
Mistress Page	Why, Sir John, do you think, though we would have thrust virtue out of our hearts by the head and shoulders, and have given ourselves without scruple to hell, that ever the devil could have made you our delight?
Ford	What, a hodge-pudding? a bag of flax?
Mistress Page	A puffed man?
Page	Old, cold, withered, and of intolerable entrails?
Ford	And one that is as slanderous as Satan?
Page	And as poor as Job?
Ford	And as wicked as his wife?
Sir Hugh Evans	And given to fornications, and to taverns, and sack and wine, and metheglins, and to drinkings and swearings and starings, pribbles and prabbles?
Falstaff	Well, I am your theme; you have the start of me; I am dejected; I am not able to answer the Welsh flannel. Ignorance itself is a plummet o’er me; use me as you will.
Ford	Marry, sir, we’ll bring you to Windsor, to one Master Brook, that you have cozened of money, to whom you should have been a pander: over and above that you have suffered, I think to repay that money will be a biting affliction.
Mistress Ford	Nay, husband, let that go to make amends; Forget that sum, so we’ll all be friends.
Ford	Well, here’s my hand: all is forgiven at last.
Page	Yet be cheerful, knight; thou shalt eat a posset tonight at my house; where I will desire thee to laugh at my wife, that now laughs at thee. Tell her, Master Slender hath married her daughter.
Mistress Page	Aside. Doctors doubt that; if Anne Page be my daughter, she is, by this, Doctor Caius’ wife.
	Slender heard hulloing in the wood.
Slender	Whoa, ho! ho! father Page!
Page	Son, how now! how now, son! have you dispatched?
	Enter Slender.
Slender	Dispatched! I’ll make the best in Gloucestershire know on’t; would I were hanged, la, else!
Page	Of what, son?
Slender	I came yonder at Eton to marry Mistress Anne Page, and she’s a great lubberly boy: if it had not been i’ the church, I would have swinged him, or he should have swinged me. If I did not think it had been Anne Page, would I might never stir! and ’tis a postmaster’s boy.
Page	Upon my life, then, you took the wrong.
Slender	What need you tell me that? I think so, when I took a boy for a girl. If I had been married to him, for all he was in woman’s apparel, I would not have had him.
Page	Why, this is your own folly. Did not I tell you how you should know my daughter by her garments?
Slender	I went to her in white and cried “mum” and she cried “budget” as Anne and I had appointed; and yet it was not Anne, but a postmaster’s boy.
Sir Hugh Evans	Jeshu! Master Slender, cannot you see put marry poys?
Page	O I am vexed at heart: what shall I do?
Mistress Page	Good George, be not angry: I knew of your purpose; turned my daughter into green; and, indeed, she is now with the doctor at the deanery, and there married.
	Enter Doctor Caius.
Doctor Caius	Wrathfully. Vere is Mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened; I ha’ married un garçon, a boy; un paysan, by gar, a boy; it is not Anne Page; by gar, I am cozened.
Mistress Page	Why, did you take her in green?
Doctor Caius	Ay, by gar, and ’tis a boy: by gar, I’ll raise all Windsor.
	Exit Doctor Caius* shaking his fist.*
Ford	This is strange. Who hath got the right Anne?
Page	My heart misgives me; here comes Master Fenton.
	Enter Fenton* and Anne Page, arm in arm.*
	How now, Master Fenton!
Anne Page	Kneels. Pardon, good father! good my mother, pardon!
Page	Now, Mistress, how chance you went not with Master Slender?
Mistress Page	Why went you not with Master Doctor, maid?
Fenton	You do amaze her: hear the truth of it. You would have married her most shamefully, Where there was no proportion held in love. The truth is, she and I, long since contracted, Are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us. The offence is holy that she hath committed, And this deceit loses the name of craft, Of disobedience, or unduteous title, Since therein she doth evitate and shun A thousand irreligious curséd hours, Which forcéd marriage would have brought upon her.
Ford	Stand not amaz’d: here is no remedy: In love, the heavens themselves do guide the state: Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate.
Falstaff	I am glad, though you have ta’en a special stand to strike at me, that your arrow hath glanced.
Page	Well, what remedy?⁠—Fenton, heaven give thee joy! What cannot be eschew’d must be embrac’d.
Falstaff	When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chas’d.
Mistress Page	Well, I will muse no further. Master Fenton, Heaven give you many, many merry days! Good husband, let us every one go home, And laugh this sport o’er by a country fire; Sir John and all.
Ford	Let it be so. Sir John, To Master Brook you yet shall hold your word; For he, tonight, shall lie with Mistress Ford.
	Exeunt.

The Merry Wives of Windsor
was published in 1602 by
William Shakespeare.